Match Report 20170517

vs The Randy Dragons 2-10 Loss
CB, JH, RH, TH 2 (MOM), TK(gk)

We Lost to The Randy Dragons

Dragonboner

Boy did it hurt. That fucken’ scaled scabrous thing you do not want given you a fucken’. 8======>~~~~~ But fucken’ us it did. Ouch! To paraphrase the pharisees – Jesus Fucking Christ! Like when Conan the Barbarian punched a horse we went down. It was bad.

Let’s focus on the positives. I got two goals – that does NOT happen every day. We drank beer – that was fun. It was Jim’s first game as a married man – it did not end in divorce. Chassy said the FUNNIEST thing I have EVER heard at the pub – we all laughed. +++++ (positives)

Well, where to from here? We need to fight back, and get our own Dragon Cocks. I’m pretty sure buying actual Dragon Cocks is frowned up on (like buying Rhino horn I guess), but there’s no law in the world that says you can’t turn your own Penis into a Dragon Cock – sooooooooooooooo somehow we have to metamorphise Chassy into a Dragon’s Member *BA DING CHA* see what I did there? Oh boy-o.

Match Report 2017_05_11

vs Lieutenants loss 4-9
CB 1, DC 2, TK (gk), AW 1, RH , TH

 

Well, we lost. Let’s say it loudly: NINE GOALS TO FOUR!

But like Anish Kapoor’s Vantablack (a pigment so dark that it absorbs 99.96 percent of light), this scoreline was not at all reflective (of the match). The scoreline reflected perhaps .04 percent of the true nature of the match.

And like Anish Kapoor’s Vantablack (a material so dark it makes crinkled aluminium appear flat), the scoreline of this match has obscured the vital details and quality of this sporting contest.

Until now.

In retaliation against the malign influence of this truth absorbing scoreline, let us dig a little deeper. Let us reach around behind this eclipsing result and reveal something of the true nature of the competition.

Within the first few minutes of the game the opposition had scored three goals and the Nannas were perfectly placed to come from behind (if you will). And come from behind we did. CB nutmegged a player and slotted a low corner goal. Soon after AW converted another with a lovely finish in front of goals. DC slammed one home and we were back in the game at 3-3. Just before the end of the half we conceded another goal. 3-4 at halftime.

We knew that all we needed to do was get back on the court and slot two quick goals and we would be in the lead. Unfortunately the opposite happened. Lieutenants slotted two quick goals and suddenly they were ahead 6-3. Then a couple more: 8-3. We clawed one back: 8-4. Then they whipped our undies off and made it 9-4.

But we could have beaten them. They kept getting their goals by running a 1-2 off the side kick and getting into space and having a free shot at goals. We kept forgetting that when we are blocking the side kick, we also have to be ready to turn, run and mark the player who has just taken the kick. At least three of their goals were scored in this manner.

And so it was to Mr Wilkinson that we took it for the post match festivities. And they were wholesome and involved Jenga and good ale and a late and welcome arrival from the Endangered Gilby. The Jenga really primed me for some awesome fire building action the following weekend while camping at Kinglake with Sol.

 

Match Report – 11 May 2017 – While you were sleeping

8:40 versus Lieutenants
CB 1m, DC 2m, RH 1, TH, TK, AW 1 – (highly unsure of the actual goal tally)

The mercury has really dropped recently, which makes the dedication of the Coach® and the author to their on-going controlled experiment even more remarkable. I swear the temperature in the Merri Creek Valley was close to zero as our intrepid cyclists made their way to Brunswick (perversely riding within meters of the skippers house en route).

Much like last week kick off was again meet almost immediately with weirdness. This time in the form of Joel – aka Little Ref – informing our opposition that they were on the wrong court… that was a first. They departed and the Nannas, who until that point had been playing rather well, were left standing around the court looking rather confused (the author even more confused due to the bewildering effects of the controlled experiment was prompted to question if in fact it was actually happening in actual reality). Eventually another team was found who appeared half familiar but at the same time kind of cobbled together. Weird. Needless to say we’d really had our flow fucked with. Now, we’ve played these guys (or most of them) many times before and one thing that is really noticeable is that they really don’t like to smile much, if at all. Anyway, it was a curious game in that we actually played quite well, stringing together some really nice moves, especially passing around the back (with some tasteful touches from Takeshi in goal), but we lost really badly, shipping 9 goals in the process ? how the hell did that happen. I was clearly to blame for one of them, I swear there was no way the guy could control this crazy goalie looping punt… but he did. The Coach was also to blame for a couple of not-following-your-man-as-he-runs-in-a-little-circle-doing-a-1-2-in-the-box-before-shooting goals. So perhaps the Skipper is right in proposing that the GHBG is good for attack and not so good for defence… could be something in that… maybe… possibly. Speaking of attack, we did score a couple of nice ones, I almost karate kicked their goalie in the face to get a mega cross court switch ball from von Martinadale III. There were also an inordinate amount of goal-mouth scuffles which we never quite able to convert. I should also mention that there was some rather unsavoury off-the-ball action when one of the opposition blatantly elbowed the author in the ribs ? apparently this was in retaliation for some perceived injustice earlier in the game. Moments later the same perpetrator, having been bested in a 50/50 ball proceeded to hack wildly at the authors legs as he made off with the ball, fortunately for the authors bodily well being he had transitioned into a kind of flux state where the hacker had become more a tricky piece of terrain to navigate while skiing or mountain biking than a human, a kind of terramophism if you will, which the author successfully avoided whilst involuntarily emitting a whoop of glee…

Anyway, the score did most certainly not reflect the game. poohs.

Afterward we went to Mr Wilkins and were regaled with tales of a young von Martindale III’s late night adventures in prophylactic procurement before being joined by Gillman du Brassy for an entirely wholesome game of Jenga (which the Coach lost). Pints of Steam Ale (and some unmentionable lager) were consumed and talk turned to the backdated bucks party that Jim would be needing having gone and got hitched in the Big Apple whilst on a research Junket for Cory Bernadi’s new conservative party for whom he will be shortly announcing his appointment as press secretary. The Nannas then spent the rest of the evening thinking of words that rhyme with Cory… story, allegory, Montessori…

 

 

p.s. what is that in Jim’s hand ?

jims wedding hand

 

Match Report – May 4 2017 – Weirdness

 

8:40 vs ?
CB (Ass), DC (M), CG, RH, TH, AW – Goals unremembered

 

FONZ_3

It was a strange game – no doubt in part due to the continuing controlled experiments that the Coach and I have been performing with respect to the GHBG – but beyond that it was still strange. It may seem churlish but I feel a large part of the weirdness came from the induction of a new $ Import. Giller announced early on the flurry that we would be joined by a member of the Happy Days cast whom it would appear none of the Nannas had ever heard of. A request was made for clarification but none was forthcoming…

 

 

Telegram

 

… eventually the identity of the “The Fonz” was deduced by someone with more advanced post graduate qualifications than those possessed by the Nannas – but that didn’t stop the weirdness. In fact right from the kickoff it was crazy, Giller let though a soft shot from distance that he would normally have stopped with his eyes closed using only sonic resonance imaging. Perhaps it was the startlingly novel pre-game tactics talk (or perhaps it was only startling to the bewildered test subject) or perhaps it was some kind of professional colleague performance anxiety situation, who can say. Pretty soon the Nannas were further down. It’s rather ungenerous to blame the $ Import for our defensive lapses, especially in the light of their super tight aerial skills and approach play, and I’m sure the Nannas would generally be quicker to blame the controlled experiment in these instances but on a couple of occasions the Nannas-standard-defence-mode of man marking rather came apart at the seams and we shipped another couple of super soft goals. On the upside we did also score a couple of nice ones (though I can’t recall exactly by whom at this late date). On a double thumbs upside we were joined just before halftime by ASS COACH Chasbian Chico von Martingale III shooting plasma from his chode*. On the downside we still lost.

Afterward we went to Howler and drank some superfine beers** (after being ignored by the very Dutch-like-in-aloof -service-manner-but-unDutch-in-general-compentance bar staff) but unfortunately those Nannas outside of the cone of the controlled experiment had to scurry off home inexplicably, leaving only the Coach and I to work on the furtherment of the Nanna project. Following a mandatory GHAG and supplementary beer there ensued much discussion of politics, technology and speculation of a sci-fi nature. It was also proposed by the author that the Nannas should start an Erudite Conversation Club™ wherein the Nannas partake of high quality single malt libations and discuss a mooted topic as intelligently and articulately as they can… stay tuned.

* Cannibal Corpse
** Brooklyn Breweries East India Pale Ale + Fury Road IPA

Match Report 2-2 Draw RH 1 AW 1 RH MOM 18/03/17

Einstein didn’t get too many things wrong.

‘For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction’ is neat and tidy but does not accurately reflect the chaos in Futsal. If one side takes unwarranted physical action upon a player then the equal reaction would be to retaliate with a similar amount of physical force – but no. Better than that, a better retaliation is to score a goal that ties the match with 11 seconds left on the clock and leaves said opposition in fits of rage, too angry to even shake hands.
But then again, time is relative and does not follow a linear path, this was proved when said opposition returned to the time just after the match finished to shake hands but found that the Nannas had already left the sporting arena and were gasping for air on the lawn outside. The moment that normally proceeds directly after the full-time whistle had been shifted temporally and physically to a new space, a warp in the time space membrane which can surely only be caused by an enormous shift in gravity. The joy of the draw had swollen the collective Nanna’s mass to such an extend that time itself was being forced to follow in our path.

Or was it that the Nannas had moved so fast in the closing seconds of the match that time had slowed down for them but not for the opposition? Thus the point that existed at the end of the match for the opposition coincided with a point many minutes later outside on the lawn for the swift moving Nannas? The opposition weren’t being rude when refusing to shake our hands, they were actually still playing the match, the final whistle not yet having been blown. This would prove that playing futsal for the Nannas makes you younger.

Match report – 9 Mar 2017 – by Elliot

6-1 v Dynamo Tehran, Brunswick
DC 1, EC 1M, RH 2, JH 2, AW, CG, CB, (TH late ass coach)

 

MATCH REPORT

Twas’ the hot summer evening of March the 9th, but it was no ordinary night because this night was a Thursday night. A furious battle between good and evil, light and dark, old men and a boy vs more old men, in the age old game of futsal. The game started off  by a fault of mine in defence leading to the Nannas being set back one to nil. Things started looking up in the second half as the Nannas started pounding goals into the back of the net. From the side line the squad looked like a wall of fear crushing the enemies hearts and destroying their dignity and pride. There was no way they will ever come back from this crushing loss of six to one. They left the grounds with their heads down and tears welling up in the corners of their eyes. After we had hammered in our first three goals all the opposition could do was stare dumbfounded at our awesome magnificence. The Captain as well as Jim getting two goals and Le Coq and his son put away one each. To sum it up, two words, TOTAL ANNIHILATION. We then headed to an excellent Korean barbecue place going by the name of Wooga.

First five Match report 23-02-17

Attendees: CG, JH 2 (MOM), RH, TK, AW

Result: Nannas 4 plays Ruud Boys 1

From now on, there’s a first five. If available, first on the court are: Gilla, Jim, Rhian, Takesh and Andy.

It’s the best team the Nannas have.

Last Thursday proved it, and it wasn’t just because we won, it was in the manner that we did it. It was a full team performance. From back to front every Nanna played his role.

Gilla was rock solid in goals, as always, and saved us a few blushes as the clock wound down and the Nannas tired. But his vastly improving distribution is starting to set the tone for the Nannas (he’s starting to know when to go himself [when we’re tired] and when to pass) and last night wasn’t the first time we scored at least one goals from one of his long passes.

Takesh too had a blinder. I think the main feature of his game over the last weeks has been his defense and his willingness to chase and chase and chase some more. Like a rabid sheep dog, he repeatedly got the better of most of his opposite number, stealing the ball from behind or gut running to make sure he was in the way if one of their team got loose. And then, to put the icing on the cake, he set up Hinkley for our opening goal.

Talking of Hinkley, well, it took a moment of magic to get the Nannas going last week, and his strike from what seemed like an impossible angle was pure gold. Before that we huffed and puffed, and were not putting it together but after, we knew we had ‘em. It takes true leadership to get a team up and going.

And then there’s Andy, everyone’s favourite Nanna, the Nanna everyone wants to be, or shack up with, depending on how we are feeling. Andy too, did a mountain of defensive work, time and again running back to protect our lead or just getting his hands dirty by going the hack. But the enduring vision from this match was Andy striding forward to sweetly lash home, from a corner kick. Many Nannas try this move but most get the balance all wrong, leaning back and usually shoot over the target. Not Andy, from the moment I saw him go forward, I knew it was in the back of the net.

And then there’s me. Well, I wasn’t high this week, which was a disappointment but after Hinkley’s goal and after seeing all the great defensive work by my brother Nannas I felt we couldn’t lose and I put the icing on the cake. Gilla threw a long one, and I got my head to it, not really knowing what I was doing but I hit it perfect and it looped over the keep and into the top right of the goal. Then for my next act, I bent one low into their left corner. That was pretty special, I must admit.

Nanna extreme? I reckon we shouldn’t do the two minute subs anymore, just get the solid tight five going, and Cocky, Chas and Tao can come on if there’s an injury or as a tactical substitution.

Match Report 2017_02_02

lost vs Harchester United
5-3

CB 1 MOM, TW 1, RH 1, DC, AW, TK, CG gk, TH coach

Ist half 5-1
2nd half 0-2

A second half win!

Or a 1-1 draw when counting half victories.

Perhaps I’m grasping at straws. We lost. 5-3. Against Harchester United. A very physical side with some excellent pace amongst their ranks. Recently relegated from Div 1 (according to them).

Their were hugs pre game as Nannas greeted each other after long absences at beach houses, camping and overseas. First game back for 2017. February. Holidays over. Children back at school. Warm days. Warm hugs from Nanna brethren.

The first five minutes of the game it felt like we could match our opponents. But then they got a couple of goals in quick succession, capitalising on micro moments of Nanna hesitation. The game started to slide away from us as they pushed out to 5-0 and their defences seemed impenetrable. Their goalie’s seal slapping style was unequivocally ugly yet effective. Gilly was pulling out some epic mid air saves and the score could have got a lot worse.

Near the end of the first half I buried a left footer after a perfectly placed corner by Rhian. Half time and words were spoken. Gilly said “whatever you guys are doing in defence.. ahh.. please do something different.” Coach said “Chassy, don’t do it all by yourself up front” and other things I don’t remember.

The second half began and so did Nanna intensity. We started to win the 50-50 balls. There was fire in the bellies. And goals came. A free kick from Tao hit the back of the net. Then Rhian scored one too.

We came away exhausted, defeated but upbeat. We had given it a good go. We had shone for moments. Perhaps just glimmered. But there were some sparks. We’re not dead and buried yet Nannas. There’s still gas in the tanks.

Peace out from the Chaswegian.

Match report 12–01–2017: The Battle of Dawson Street

Nannas 2 plays Unathletico Madrid 1
Attendees: Caesar, Dave, Gilla, Guido, Jim, Jerry (team MOM)

I am not quite sure what it is about this team that fires up the Nannas. Maybe it’s the little Asian dude, who’s forever grabbing at you, pushing you and purposely getting all up in your shit, but the moment you do it back to him, he gets more indignant than Donald Trump at a press conference. Then there’s their keeper and his on-field bunkum. This pecker puller, who can’t help himself but remark on nearly every play of the game, was the same guy that when we played them ages ago threw the ball away from Chassy when they were five or six goals up with a about thirty seconds on the clock. Or is it the guy with the angry eyes. Mr A-Eyes, after I had inadvertently kicked into him and then tried to apologise, went into this transfixed, primeval state with his mate all like ‘ooooh, don’t touch him, ooooooooooh don’t even go near him’ like he was so close to the edge that one more little push was going to see him inflict some sort of berserker rage.

Sure, in the first half, I got into them worse than a bad case of the Clap but it wasn’t like they were blameless in all this, and it wasn’t like we weren’t in a competitive environment where getting your opponent worked up is a good way to put them off their game (these are the same guys we beat in the semi last season).

You will be pleased to know that I did resolve to settle it down a bit after a couple of words from Dave at half time. The only problem was Caesar didn’t get this same advice, or if he did he didn’t heed it. He and Mr A-Eyes had a bit of a set too in the second half, which almost came to blows.

You will also be happy to hear that we were playing some good football. We were holding the ball and passing the ball, Caesar kept running through them, and Dave and I were cleaning up at the back. The first half ended at a goal apiece, and in the second, Caesar got another early on.
As the clock wound down they came at us again and again. They are fast and young, and in those last ten minutes it seemed like we must concede.
Yet they were also way angry and sulky. And like a spoilt child that always gets its way, they expected that the goals would come (but sometimes, like on this evening, this can work against you).

Gilla did pull off some amazing saves (as he always does) but the real turning point was when Jerry arrived with about eight minutes to go (just when some of the older Nannas were starting to tire). It was like the Calvary appearing out of the last afternoon mist after much blood shed and sure enough it tipped the battle in our favour.

As you probably have guessed, we held on.

Afterwards, most of them didn’t shake our hands and they were mutterings like, ‘let’s take it to the carpark’, but all they did out there was cry to the ref and Joel about how dirty we were and how the officiating should have done much, much more to stop this.

What a bunch of babies.

Match Report – 8 Dec 2016 – Grand Final

Nannas 1 VS Dery 5
Att: ANDY, GILLA, GUIDO, JIM, KONDO, RHIAN, TAO
Coach: TH, DC

“What is a Nanna?” This topic has been discussed over years as a part of the quest, “Brownfullness” AKA an ultimate elixir for our longevity.

I had a good realization when the most “life experienced” wise AW threw the great key word “Spine fullness” in the flurry Story.

We have to ask ourselves again “How full is your spine?” “how full is your Brownfullness ?”

This week had quite interesting change to my mental and physical condition. I must say that excitement of grand final looked after the mental side. However the change of physical is more interesting. I did not meet tantric twins but I know the practice. I deliberately filled up my spine as much as I can to experiment this method works. It was a long memorable week to face the grand final show down.

On the final day, I was in quite pumped place with calm mind set. I was literary feeling high, positive, strong, sharp, focused, a bit taller, biting hard, holding tight, eating well, sleeping well and XXX hard. This made me at least a year younger. I felt my spine was full of brown juice and I haven’t felt this good long time… This is better than multi orgasmic experience without ejaculation. may be I look a bit dangerous if i live like this everyday.

The game started good with full energy and we played good. Just other team had better passing and etc and we got a bit frustrated second half to keep all together. Big Kudos to all team brought us to grand final stage and my new realization scheme. It has been too long to be in this grand final chat. The result was second but we remember the taste of the grand final again. Unfortunately it was not followed by massive winning, warehouse ping pong with slow cooked dinner this time but hey lets do it again soon.

Fill up your spine with Brownfullness brother Nannas! 2017 is near us!!

Kondo

Grand final match report 8-12-2016

Nannas 1 plays Dery 5
Att: ANDY, GILLA, GUIDO, JIM, KONDO, RHIAN, TAO

Another season done and another very Nanna way of completing a finals series. Yes, we made the granny but it wouldn’t be a Nanna granny without just a little controversy. And coming out of this minor storm upper management will need to answer two key questions before the new season:

1. What’s up with Chassy, or (put another way), is Chassy out of his fucking mind? Now don’t get me wrong, on the one hand I did very much enjoy the flurry that Chassy’s texts created. It was at times hilarious and one of the best flurries that the Nannas have generated in years. But on the other hand, and it’s a big but, there is a time and place for such conversations and given how divergent the Nannas can be on almost every given topic, he must of know that raising such a subject would create 

alarm

anarchy
anxiety

agitation

bedlam
a brouhaha

chaos

clashes

conflict

confusion

destruction

disorder

disarray

dismay

disquiet

a free-for-all

a furore
foreboding

hysteria

havoc

a hubbub

mayhem
madness

a mess

a mobocracy

panic
pandemonium

a racket

a rumpus

turmoil

tumult

a struggle

an uproar

unease 

within the brown ranks. So starting this conversation only hours before the game, and not letting it go like he did, was, as they say in corporate land, a complete and utter dick move. Sure, we all love Cocky, and as much as we all wanted him to play and we all felt for him that he couldn’t, the conversation about this should have happened way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way earlier. The question I keep coming back to is what was Chassy thinking? Was he trying to undermine us? Was he jealous that we were in the finals? Did he not want us to win? Was he just fucking with us (although this didn’t seem the case given the tenor of his later texts)? Why was it so important that Cocky played, and what did Cocky think about this? And why couldn’t he keep it in his pants and see that he was doing damage to the morale and stability of the Nannas so close to the season decider?

2. What is a Nanna? This is a question that was brought up during the pre-game discussion and it’s one that does need serious attention. Is it someone who’s been in and around the team all 15-16 years or it is someone that is in the team on any particular week? Will there ever be such a thing as an on court, playing Nanna, and an off-court or BeachBox Nanna? And where do ringers fit into the wider scheme of things, especially now that there are one or two Nannas that aren’t playing as much as they used to? Is it fair that we ask ring-ins to fill in and be an integral member of a team for five or six weeks as we go all the way to the finals but then, when we make the granny, we suddenly decide that the ringer be is not good enough and expect them not to play because a Nanna becomes available? Should there a minimum number of games you have to play a season to be a Nanna? Or can you always demand a walk up start for any game, let alone a final, regardless of when you played last? And if you’re not playing do you have the right to try to influence on court matters? What rights do you have if you are not a Nanna original? Would the Nannas ever be picked on form and/or commitment? What is the point of the Nannas? Are we a team or just a bunch of part-timers who pick and choose when we want to play and expect there to be a space ready for us to fill, even if it’s at the expense of the wider team? Do we want to win or are we just happy to turn up, week on week, and take what’s coming to us?
So many questions and as Tao said this will need to be resolved in the Nanna constitution before the next round of finals.

And so to the game. We did okay. It was a totally scrappy and uncontrolled affair, and it was always going to be won by the team who took their chances. They did, we didn’t: end of story. We had a couple of moments of good play, like the five or six minute spell leading up to half time when we started to string a few passes together and Guido buried one from close to half way (but just before the break they got one and got back to 2-1).
The second half was pretty much the same but their striker kept getting goal side and Gilla couldn’t stop him. It’s true we were a bit too fired up and there was no fluidity to how we played, and less passing. Far too often we kicked the ball away or went solo when someone else was open and had a better position than us.
The other team were good though. They hustled us; pretty much did what we did to those young punks last week. They never let us settle and were physical.
It was a bit disappointing. It was a bit frustrating. It was a bit sad.
Afterward, we went to Howler and discussed selling cars, treehouses, weddings, and then I left.

Match Report – 10 Nov 2016 – On Winning & Haircuts

 

trump_cocktail

DC 3 mom, CG, JH 1, RH, TH, TK, TW 2, AW
6-2 | 6:40pm v Nunan Street Boys | Brunswick secondary

This week it was all about winning for the Nannas™. Not the sociopathic, narcissistic, megalomaniacal, misogynist, racist, bullying and xenophobic kind of winning where you openly cheat and grab the ref by the pussy. No, the Nannas™ left that kind of winning to someone else*. Instead the Nannas™ stepped from the court with the kind of win that leaves a warm fuzzy glow in your socks and a pleasant lactic aftertaste in the mouth.

We went behind early on but came back with a peach of a volley from Le Coq. Wal had managed to sneak a pass through the hustling attentions of two opposition defenders, it bobbled and bounced into the left corner where he-of-possibly-the-worst-haircut-ever (and I’m not referring here to The Donald®) with his back to goal on quite can acute angle, pivoted and smacked it into the top right corner of the goal. Their goalie didn’t even move! Raucous jubilation ensued on the touchline from the sub-10 year old cheer squad. The Nannas™’ second was a tap in after some nice lead-up play from the Captain and Jimbob. At half time it was 2-2 but shortly after kick off we were back on top following some tasteful footwork from Le Coq – if he does say so himself. But there the score remained for most of the second half. They threatened a few times and the Nannas™ came close on occasion but it was entering SAF’s squeaky bum territory when Tao toe poked the-most-quickly-taken-free-kick-of-all-time through the eye of a needle near post gap and we could breathe a little easier. Jim then did something illusory with his head, it might have been his new bob haircut (putting the bob back in Jimbob) but it appeared to the author as though the ball made contact about half a meter behind Jim’s head ? either way it went in. The rout was sealed in the dying seconds by another sweet strike from Taoser.

In other notes, Kondo was imperious in defence, The coach yelled himself hoarse and Giller didn’t have much to do but did stop one cracker in the top right from very close quarters, accompanied by a sharp fleshy skin slapping noise.

There was also a rather gnarly moment in the first half when one of the opposition went down howling in agony. Literally screaming like a south american howler monkey in labour who’s had both legs blown off by an IED. A suspected dislocated knee! It looked like he was going to be ok once the dust had settled but those initial animal screams were really quite confronting… It should also be noted that late in the second half one of the opposition opined to me (shortly after one of his buddies had shoulder-barged me off the ball) that “you guy’s are the dirtiest team we’ve played”… wtf ???… anyway.

It should also be noted that the ref had a howler and quite clearly doesn’t actually know a number of the basic rules of futsal, and all the nannas yelled at me for not playing the whistle… like hashtag tots whatevs.

Afterwards we went to a new mexican joint on smith street to eat ceviche, drink corn syrup coke and postulate on exactly how much he-of-the-orange-face-and-candy-floss-hair can fuck the planet and it’s inhabitants. The general consensus was to quite a fair degree !

The only consolation in this otherwise profoundly depressing election was the widespread legalisation of university cigarettes.

*you should be very, very careful of what even only a the tiniest little part of you wishes for.

trump_small

 

Match Report 26 Oct 2016

DC, EC, TK, CG, RH, AW

i know, i know. I’ve forgotten everything. I almost forgot the most outrageous near goal ever. author passes to captain, it’s a bit bouncy, a bit shit, but the captain back-heel volley chips his marker, the author running through realising he’ll never control it opts instead for the flying volley see RvP circa ’06 , and holy shit Jay, it almost went in, cue random bystanders losing their minds… ah well.

datestamp: Monday 7 November, tomorrow is the US election and the world teeters on the edge of a freaking apocalypse. I know it’s wrong but there’s a very small and perverse part of me that wants to see what happens when Drumpf is elected and late capitalism finally gets what it deserves… i know, i know.

Match Report 2016_10_16

Vs Unathletico Madrid
loss 9-1 (second half loss 2-0)
CB MOM, DC 1, TK(gk), TH, RH, AW, JH

Goodness me!
Lads of Unathletico Madrid!
You are actually quite athletic.

What does this mean?
Is this irony?
Is this the end of capitalism?
Engel warned us.
Did he not?

It could be like
Gilla calling himself Unfunky,
Or Taozza calling himself Ugliest
Or if we started calling Cocky Vagina.
Speaking of Vagina,
Cocky was the sole penetrant
Of the opposition’s
Goal Mouth.

And with nine seconds to go
Their goalie threw the ball away.
It was our corner.
Too late
We cannot take
That corner.
That seems unsporting good sir!

May be..
They should change their name to
The Good Sports Madrid.

Match report 28-07-16

Attendees: CG, JH 2 (MOM), RH, TH, AW, TW

Result: Nannas 2 plays Dery 1

Another week, another victory for the mighty Nannas.

The Nannas are definitely on a roll. We haven’t won every game over the last four weeks but we haven’t lost one either.

And so it was this week too. We put six on court, in spite of Chassy being off somewhere (seeing something that is best left unsaid; when I was in boarding school there were these two guys who were really into this band, I think they were called the Cure, I never really got what the big deal was, especially seeing that these two guys were into them, which is what I think about anyone who listens to this band now) and Cocky and Kondo having prior engagements.

The Nannas weren’t worried about team-mates missing. They stepped up, they ran, they fucked ‘em hard, and they came out on top.

There was Tao, all purple-faced, running here, running there, screaming his head off, getting some good shots in, giving the opposition what for.

Then the Captain, oh the mighty Captain, what strength, what pace, what fire, what a set of legs. He hasn’t lost it, especially when viewed from behind.

And let’s not forget about Wal, the MAN who all men look up to. The supreme backdoor specialist, and these days one of the Nanna’s best in defence.

The Coach, well, what can you say about him, except that he has the heart of a lion, the balls of a stallion, and the toe of Ronaldo.

And last but by no means least there is the Gilla. Oh Gilla, still the finest keeper in the whole of the APISC, and the worst distributor but slowly but surely working out when to play the percentages or pepper the opposition’s back wall.

These brave Nannas took the lead with an early strike by yours truly. They weren’t really marking up, and I came lumbering up the centre on a corner. Coach rolled one into my path and all I had to do was hit the target.

We almost had another by exactly the same method a few minutes later but Tao didn’t quite make out my immense figure flying through on goal until it was too late, and I snatched at it.

From then, it was end to end stuff, with both teams trying to make inroads but not quite hitting the scoreboard.
They did pull one back after a mis-kick from one of their players that put off Gilla, robbing him of a clean sheet.

I then, duly, stepped up and finished them off. Rhian got the ball just in their half on the left, he whacked it over to me. It came off my elbow, not my hand but, in any case, my arms were by my side. Everyone thought it handball except me and little ref, who said play on. And so I did. From the resultant ricochet off my appendage, it fell to my left, and I was able to steady and bury it.

Then we went to Howler to mix with some very young people and talk about the impending Beach Box.

Match Report 21 07 16

3-3 Draw ? maybe or 4-3 loss – realistic. RH(MOM) JH(1) TH PHIL(2) CG TK TW

First game played in the new Strip (by one player). Phil donned the sample uniform sporting the funk 45 label as requested by the Gilla. Phil looked fine in the brown and gold, his creamy thighs riding seamlessly across the silky fabric as the beads of warm sweat ran smoothly from his heaving chest.

The game itself was pure example of Nannas working together as a team, breaking out to a 3-1 lead until the middle of the second half, tight defence, and even tighter offensive defence, like a nun with no candles in reach.It was really our offensive pressure that hurried the opposition who were younger, stronger, fitter, firmer and gleaming in the harsh fluorescent light that highlighted their every sinew.
Phil was surprisingly eager to please, running freely with the ball and shooting plenty, it may have been the new strip – it probably was the new strip. He teamed nicely with Tao and Jim upfront, working the diagonals and drawing extra defenders with some Ronaldo-esque foot work.
Defence was led by Tom, strong as ever and almost impenetrable, like a leather Hymen requiring skill and determination to pierce.

Post match discussion focused on possible alterations to the new uniform including some colour alterations, before switching to the looming beach box. Debate was heated and questions of location were tabled, stick to the tried and true or move to Mount Martha for a change. The question was left open but post wrap flurries pointed towards a trial run at Gilla’s where the secret “top bedroom” has secrets yet to be discovered. Lets just say that it’s a large family and you don’t get a large family without some tricks up your sleeve, or down your trousers.

Birthday Match report 23-06-16

Attendees: DC 1, JH 2 (MOM), RH, TK, AW, Guido

Result: Nannas 4 plays Kent Brockman 10

Well, the Nannas are still having trouble putting a full team on the court. At the start of the week, we were a good seven brave Nannas willing to do battle. But by Thursday, first Tao went down (with flu), Tommy became unavailable because of
his beloved, and Cocky was 50/50 because of his lower leg.

So we brought in some cover in the form of Guido, our Brazilian super sub, who was only too keen to fill in for us.

Our opposition didn’t care for our troubled team line up. In the first five minutes of the game they must have put four passed us in quick succession. It has to be said that this is becoming all too familiar for the Nannas, mainly because we are continually coming up against some very quick, very skilful and very young opponents.

At this point I saw another familiar sight for the Nannas; the look of resignation. Yes, the Nannas over the last year or so have had to put up with being a bit outgunned and playing in the knowledge that we will be on the end of another loss. And tonight it looked like it was going to be a slaughter.

I do think this has had an effect on us, and has affected our form.

And so it was on this night, they put those first four passed us, our heads dropped and we had nothing to look forward to except another massacre. But then something happened. Guido came on, with his first two touches he went round two of their players and then buried his shot in the bottom left corner.

The fightback had begun. Guido was playing link man in the middle (apart from having a lot of pings himself) and laid on the second goal for me. Guido had the ball about ten out with his back to goal. I went passed him on his left and slid the ball to me. The angle was acute but I didn’t have anyone in the middle to pass to so I just tried to bang it into the top of the net. Well, the keeper just seemed to fade as the ball went above him and bulged the top of the goal.

We got two more goals, Guido one and me one too. I don’t remember Guido’s but mine was another good one too. I got the ball in mid court, went passed one of their players and the toe poke slid in at the far post.

There were a couple of moments when I was almost out on my feet but we ran and ran and competed and competed and won the second half two, one. Looking forward to the next game. We just need to start a little better.

The back in the fold Match Report 16 June 2016

Nannas 5 plays Sore Losers (Occasionally United) 4

DC, JH, TW, Guido, Phil

Okay, so only a few weeks after our AGM, where it was discussed that the Nannas need to pull their collective fingers out and turn up more, again we only had three brave brown men turning out.

One of those, me, was at the start still a bit unsure of if he wanted to play. I kinda got the feeling post-match that the Nannas thought my sadness a few weeks back was due to off-court issues (that is, the ex) but it wasn’t (more on that later): I didn’t like someone running up behind me, and screaming in my ear (well, that’s what it felt like) for putting the ball out of play, or being told I was shit when someone got in front of me to get the ball. This sort of thing does affect one’s confidence in the overall team spirit and brotherly love we like to think is the Nannas (which I why I said on the Flurry I thought we were kidding ourselves).

Anyhow, we were five, with Guido and Phil in, the latter in goals.

The opposing team. Well, they weren’t too bad. They were younger than us (not unusual) and had one dude who could play. But the Nannas weren’t too bad either. Cocky couldn’t quite run (he had cramps in his calf); Tao, who played okay, insisted on yelling at him every time he got out of position (I got a couple of blasts too but I did lose my man but the ones at Cocky were a bit much); Guido was in fine fettle, well his big toe was; and Phil was solid at the back and did some fine explorations up field with ball at foot.

The game was pretty tight but we were always in front with Guido and that big toe of his slotting some very fine goals. The best was laid on for him by Cocky, who slid through a glorious diagonal ball that got Guido’s man all out of position, effectively putting our gifted Brazilian through on goal to do what he does best.

The post match was pretty entertaining as the opposition got the shits with Phil, saying that they should have won the match on forfeit or at least got a goal because he (Phil) was playing on our side. Phil told them they should go jump and I added (as delicately as I could) that if we had our ‘proper’ team on the park we would have smashed them (their goalie’s reaction to this was priceless).

It was good to win.

Anyway, to the ex. So Tao dropped the news (after the game) that the ex is seeing someone (which is something I didn’t know up until that point but I must admit I did have my suspicions, mainly because Gilla was always talking about it). Now, to be truthful, this news did rock me for a little while (probably some of Friday) but on reflection I think the Nannas need to get over it. I feel like I am having that conversation with my parents all over again (the one where I have to explain why me and her aren’t getting back together). As much as Justine and I were a fixture for a long time, and in spite of the fact that the kids are still coming to terms with the separation, what has happened is for the best. I am not going to dis the ex, or reiterate all the reasons why I broke it off with her, or why she broke up with me but I will say that if we would have stayed together it would have been bad, like crossing the streams bad. And this is not to say that you shouldn’t be friends with Justine (I will never begrudge you this), or that some part of me still doesn’t have feelings for her but I look at the way I am now and the way I was when I was with her and, as Cocky would say, it’s truly terrifying. Put it like this (as my counsellor often does), if we had stayed together I would have ended up a shell of a human being, hollowed out, eaten up by extreme frustration and misery, waiting and hoping for some happy ending that was never going to arrive.

So, with all love and respect Nannas, do me a favour and let this topic alone, especially when I’m around: I really don’t wanna know and for all intents and purposes I am really trying not to care; a lot harder said than done. I don’t want to have to death blow you like I did my Dad. He’s still getting over it.

MACTCHY REPORT 20160609

Well miracles do come true – the ball popped up in front of me just on our attacking side of the halfway line and the little baby jesus (blessed be his name) put the magic on my foot and I fuckingwell launched that son of a bitch back at those bastards with the force of a thousand suns exploding the fiery death of supernova nuclear fission power, the ball pretty much elongated into an ellipse with a molten point where physics failed and angels suffer ‘le petite morte’ and damn if that wasn’t a goal for the ages.

Then I fuckin’ mind fucked those kojaks from a set shot but the little ref fisted me so bad.

Perhaps the funniest moment was when their goalie was double nutmegged by a back pass, somehow he sort of lay down over the ball and put his arms on either side of it and then spread his legges to make the humiliation all the greater as it rolled into the goal like a slow vag stain – I think Andy may have flashed his cock at this ‘goalie’ at the opportune moment.

Cocky put one into the corner as only he can, and fuck me with the raw end of Donal Trump’s toupee if the fucking old 1-2s weren’t working. TRIANGLE OF POWER – PASS AND RUN NANNAS, PASS AND FUCKINGWELL RUN.

Started with a lovely hug all in.

match report 2 June 2016

v some newbies @ brunswick
dc(4,m), tw, rh(m), cg(m), ring-in Nif(1,m), ring-in Elliot C(1,m)

ah yes, the match report written over a week after the fact, always difficult. It was a 5 way MOM so I suppose all 5 MOMS figured at least one of the others would scribe a report, figure again foolish suckers… Two of the other MOMs were ring-ins and the remaining two were Rhian and Giller neither of whom has written a report in at least 4 years so like that was ever going happen.
anyway I can’t really remember much apart from the Captain initiating a 1-2 drill during the warmup, the old give and go and shoot, and what do you know he and I then proceeded to score 3 goals that way during the game… I swear, priming is an extremely powerful tool. we also had a last minute random ring-in by the name of Nif, who we’ve played against a few times (notably giller winding him with a full arse slam last week) who was a welcome addition to the Team. As was Elliot, making a return to court of the nanna, and a scoring goal. Some of his tracking back left a bit to be desired ( as Tao was at pains to point out) but there was some nice footwork and a couple of very tasteful passes. err… what else.. Giller totally kept us in it at the end. We were meant to have the bus firmly parked at the back with less than a minute to go, but what do you know, 2 times they were 2 on 1 at the back, one shot went wide and the other was saved by a shoulder-meets-goal-post save from the Funky Nanna™. And of course the highlight of the entire match was the author scoring a pair of braces…
tight is right.

Match Report 2016_05_26

2-7 Loss Vs Jalapeno Chinos

CB, RH (1), JH, DC, TK (G), TH, TW (1(MOM))

We lost, respectfully, to a team of skilful and fit young men who were prepared to sprint constantly for the full thirty six minutes. The only thing they lacked was more than a decade and a half of shit-talking, planning, meeting, beach boxing and many other bonding activities too numerous to mention. And that is why I have it on good authority that not only did…….. ok ok it was a very similar game to two weeks ago though I have to say I think we played a little better this time.

The first half there was classic Nanna’s running after the ball and running after  their man. How often do we see this?? Often I tell you. The second half had us regroup and saw us turn and run with our man. This kept the goals down in the second half and we played with pride.

I walked away from that game feeling pretty good. Feeling like we had done our best and were beat by a much better team. You can’t ask for more than that. It wasn’t until a few days later, and I am kind of wishing I got this report out much sooner, but it wasn’t until a few days later that some devastating news hit The Flurry. One of our long serving members was considering leaving The Nanna’s due to the abuse he felt he received on the court. I was very relieved to find out that on this particular occasion it was not I that flung the shit. I realise this is somewhat surprising and possibly those that were the flingers this time around only served to be the straw that broke the camels back.

However you want to look at it there there were some truths that came from the very sad and near resignation of one of our beloved brothers. He is correct in stating that there does need to be some attitude adjustments and I would be the first to admit that I am one of those that need adjusting. I have been doing my best over the last few weeks and will be continuing to try and curb my tongue on the court.

I do feel there can be room for some constructive criticism but we just need to find a better and more timely way of delivering that.

Hopefully we will see Jim back on the court before too long where he belongs. High and mighty. Or is it mighty high? The love does generally come out at the post game drinks, where we see to little of Jim these days, so we have to make sure there is enough love exuded on the court so we can all bask in the warmness of each other.

I suggest to get us in the mood that we should start each half with a big group hug. And maybe one at the end of the game as well to hug out any negative feelings.

Love and peace to all Nanna’s wherever you may be.

Match Report 2016_05_12

vs RMIT

loss 4-12

CB 1, RH 2, DC 1, TH, TW, JH, CG

 

We lost, respectfully, to a team of skilful and fit young men who were prepared to sprint constantly for the full thirty six minutes. The only thing they lacked was more than a decade and a half of shit-talking, planning, meeting, beach boxing and many other bonding activities too numerous to mention. And that is why I have it on good authority that not only did they not have their AGM that night, they have never actually had one. Their win-loss, our loss-win.

Jim had geared us up for a game of gentle talk and positive reinforcement. And it probably was the mellowest we’ve ever seen Taozza so it must have worked. We got four freaking goals man! What can one say? They whipped our arses. But. Not without a challenge. We made them work for it.

And then we took it to the Pinnacle for the inaugural “Pre- dinner drink”. Followed by the TH (Thomas Howie) Tramway Hotel for some tasty yet overpriced junk food and over flavoured beers. But the real item on the menu was of course the Annual General Meeting. The AGM. Which also sounds a little bit like “Gay Jim”.

I was laughing quite a bit so perhaps it should fall to the more grim faced Nannas to report the true minutes of the meeting. There was talk of new uniforms, prepaid Nanna subscriptions and “wanking ring-ins”. It was noted that there was considerable pleasure to be had in voting for things. The act of raising the hand and declaring “aye” or “nay” is even more fun than voting in online polls.

Tight is right and tight is out.

Match Report – 5 May 2016 – the 60% Nannas


DC 2, TW 1, JH, Andrew, Tim MOM

Well, what do you know, a match report, who would have thought eh. Like the Tasmanian Tiger, or Myspace, such things were believed to have vanished from sight a long time ago… but no, here one is before your very eyes. Generally the match report is written by that Nanna deemed most worthy by his brethren to wear the badge of MOM, but, in a grave and telling sign of the times (with a nod to Prince, RIP) it is instead being written by one not so deemed as, in fact, that honour was given to a ring-in. And not even a real ring-in, a ring-ins ring-in, someone the Nannas had never met in their lives until moments before playing. Tim, who stepped into goals in place of Phil, turned out to be pretty good, good enough to take the MOM, but surely it is something of a Nadir in the documentary history of the Nannas when the match report is itself a ringing.
So how did it come to this ? Well, it starts with the flurry and the first 6 responses being ‘out’. Not the ideal start to the new season. In fact it was a miracle that from this tidal wave of apathy 3 brown heros emerged, JH, TW, DC. Add to this Andy the ring-in with the ancient chelsea top and phil/tim the goalie and what you have is not a team but a gathering of people with fading memories of the good times they used to have when they got together on a Thursday with their friends and played futsal. Admittedly never that well or with any real skill but at least as a team… And so it went.
The first half I think saw the Nannas, or the 60% Nannas, have only a single shot on target. Midway through the 2nd half we were 7 goals to the worse. Tim was real good in goals, young and extremely enthusiastic and vocal but theres only so many one-on-ones he could stop. Then they started to run out of legs a bit, or lost interest, and the 60% Nannas managed to sneak in a couple o goals near the end. Final score 3-9, a goal to TW and a brace to DC. Which was kind of good because as we know from the economics of organic memory we only remember how long something took and how it ended.
After the game Jim pedaled off into the night and Taoser and I went to the Retreat for fish and chips and beer. Andy – the legend Walmartin – turned up for a beer and did a great job of hiding his disappointment upon discovering that only 2 nannas – the 40% Nannas – were in attendance. The three of us then proceeded to talk about the golden age of television and which television shows we had and hadn’t watched. This would have been a dead give away of how unengaged with the world and how uninteresting we were as humans but luckily no one was knitting nearby so it was OK. My lack of knowledge of High Mainataince was met with gasps of disbelief but I can safely say that i am now up to speed… Qasim,pure genius!
As for the 100% Nannas, who knows. Jim got out his death bell and started knelling it pretty loud on the forum which may or may not have lead to a vastly higher percentage of ‘ins’ this week. we’ll see. I’ve re-mooted the idea of a season pass to cover the cost of ringins and hopefully encourage a greater turnout, that seems to have gained some traction but let’s see.
In the meantime, the new 2016 kit delivery timeline took a hit when it was realised that the preferred supplier was planning to place their logo front and centre on the shirt. Donald Trump is republican candidate. Bill shorten is proving very popular in Townsville. Leicester won the premier league. I tested UHD playback for the first time on a 4K Sony TV and was extremely impressed. It’s freaking cold and Miri insists on keeping the back door open all the time.

MATCH REPORT 2016_03_10

7-3 loss to a very skilful team

RH 1,TW 1,GUIDO 1,JH , CB, DC,PHIL (GK)
Mom RH,CB

It was good to have Phil in the rear. He’s just so good back there. His balls are great too. No disrespect to Gilly and Kondo, who are also tremendous back there. It’s just a bit unusual to have Phil back there so it adds a little sparkle.

Guido stepped up too and really helped the Nanna cause. Not quite enough to make victory, but certainly steered us a little closer than we would have been without him.

Special mention goes to the Cocky support machine and the full family cheer squad.

There was no going out afterwards which much be some kind of record for lameness. Cocky was dragged home (not exactly kicking and screaming.. perhaps just silently and inwardly whimpering). Jim ran away to “catch a train” (whatever that means). Hinkley choreographed himself out of the picture. Tao and Guido were talking up a beer at Tao’s. I assume that got out of hand. I had to go “learn some lines” (whatever that means).

MATCH REPORT 10.03.16

7-3 loss to dudes in white

RH 1 TW 1 GUIDO 1 JH 1 Mom RH CB

Phil in goal, a couple of lose ones got through but his composure at the back made up for it as well as his tasteful distribution. Guido returned with some silky moves up front, scoring one, setting up another. Chassey was feisty, showing no signs of the dicky knee that has hampered him recently. Jim showed up. Tao arrived late. Cocky didn’t score any goals, but:…

This was Nanna gold, pure and simple. A very strong  nannas performance, good goals, hard running, tight in the defense, yet still we lost. What does this mean? When the Nannas go hard, play well, score goals but still lose.

Is it a spiritual problem? Or an emotional one? We have focused so hard on altering our physical game that we’ve left everything else behind.

When did a Nanna last tell another Nanna that he loved him, or needed him, or thought of him? When did a Nanna last hug another Nanna, and hold him, and really get in touch with him?

Easter is nearly upon us, a time of spritual renewal, with Trump winning in America and the weather being so hot and humid here need to think of ourselves. Hug yourself and hua Nanna.

 

match report 3 March 2016

2-5 v FC Dalles
Brunswick, 8.00pm
dc1m, cgm, two, rh, th, aw

The game pretty much went like this… run run run gasp stumble jog charge drop-kick punt hurtle stumble pelt trot strike pelt hurry charge hurtle punt trot scurry trot trot pant breathe heavily scurry bolt trot pelt dribble toe-poke stumble charge run hurry hoof boot rush pelt trot race interception tackle gallop jog scurry gallop miskick run pelt jog scamper scamper career stumble hurtle scurry trot stumble tear attack tackle pelt stumble dash career drop-kick gallop zip scurry rush pant rush bolt stumble career attack interception walk stumble trot scamper kick drop-kick run hurry race scurry drop-kick trot hurtle zip jog boot charge rush belt belt scurry walk zip scamper attack tear tear scurry walk challenge attack hurry stumble hurtle sprint bolt career bolt charge tackle rush hurry walk zip breathe hard pant like a dog run rush walk zip challenge attack race scamper zoom race sprint belt dart scamper kick zip hurtle hurtle charge scamper sprint race gallop drop-kick punt stumble career hurry bolt drop-kick hoof bolt pelt walk hurry strike scamper dart walk dash walk run zoom sprint challenge dart rush scamper hurtle breathe heavily rush trot jog stumble strike walk trot scurry career sprint race walk zip sprint hurtle jog tear interception trot scamper dash jog jog charge run trot hoof hoof scurry bolt tear hurtle kick hoof race scurry belt sprint drop-kick kick pelt zip scurry scamper miskick sprint walk jog scamper toe-poke rush stumble sprint zip pelt career sprint sprint run jog belt dart dribble strike belt rush hurtle race challenge tackle hurtle tear trot stumble sprint walk trot stumble toe-poke strike zip stumble rush hurry hurtle pelt dart walk pant zoom dart bolt career hurry dash bolt stumble hurry scamper pelt sprint bolt rush charge run drop-kick walk hurry race hurry scurry tear zoom belt wheeze pant bolt hurry bolt race pelt rush belt zip miskick toe-poke charge dart stumble scurry charge stumble jog pelt dribble miskick zoom sprint hurtle belt miskick dribble race zip career career jog pelt race hurtle toe-poke shoot dash scurry jog gallop gallop dash jog career hoof hoof sprint run dart pelt kick drop-kick gallop hurry trot career punt scurry tear run gallop zoom stumble gallop hurry attack tear tear zoom hurry rush sprint zip dart miskick miskick jog jog scurry career hoof boot career sprint scurry tear pelt bolt dart hurry pant wheeze sprint tear pelt dart challenge trot gallop sprint scurry miskick dart hurtle zip zoom drop-kick hoof scurry charge jog charge sprint rush scamper bolt boot dart gallop dash gallop race hurtle stumble gallop bolt zip scurry stumble huff and puff breathe heavily zip stumble trot rush breathe hard walk walk jog dash breathe heavily scamper hurtle run bolt hoof run gallop stumble zip zoom hurry run walk breathe hard breathe heavily belt rush rush hurry toe-poke rush run pelt pelt pelt race trot race punt kick stumble tear stumble scamper pant pelt trot career run tackle jog charge bolt dart breathe heavily stumble trot stumble scamper belt gallop hurry zoom block block belt zip race dash wheeze gallop zip walk gallop strike dash stumble trot hurry block challenge tear career run jog huff and puff… basically do a hell of a lot of running interspersed with gasping and the occasional shot/tackle/pass before finally stumbling from the court on the verge of a heart attack.

We then went to the Retreat for a quiet one.

Match Report 2016_02_04

RH 2, CB, CG, TH, TW, JH, DC

CB MOM

vs ??

Lost 2-4

I think all of the Nannas rode to the game except Cocky who flowed there in his maxi turbo diesel (of which he is so fond) and Gilby who fluttered in in his Emasculator (of which he is so fond).  Possibly JimBOB came on foot. It matters not.

I joined the peloton of hard, riding hard-riding Nannas as they slid down Glenlyn Road in Brunswick. Always a pleasure to be in the saddle beside one’s brother Nannas, if only to prove to the general population that it is possible for middle aged men to ride bikes in a pack without wearing lycra and looking like a Nut Bagging Sac Fucker. It is in the Nanna DNA to find small ways to subtly and grossly subvert the mainstream paradigm in which we paddle.

We arrived at Brunswick Secondary College to find the gates locked. Phil. When he arrived, on instruction from Gilby, we rewarded him with a slow golf clap for his tardiness and he responded by tossing sachets of hot chocolate? from his vehicle.

The game itself was not hugely memorable nor outstanding. The captain boxed a pair of goals. Straight to the wank bank.

Cocky was looking super straight and wide awake from the sobering influence of professional art angst.

The writer found that his left foot wasn’t able to allow the right foot to kick the ball unassisted. Instead the left foot kept popping in for a little nudge while old righty was in midswing. Unfortunately due to the poor processing power of the over holidayed writer, the message that the ball had moved didn’t reach said writer’s central processing unit until after the resultingly ignominious kick.

At which the straight as a die cockpillow was compelled to pronounce upon the writer’s ineptitude. To which the over holidayed writer could only seethingly retort through the stifling clouds of his own humiliation.. “I didn’t do it on purpose buddy!”

Tao was there and he looked bloody purple at the after match so he must have put in. Jimbino skerricked away post match still sporting his “compression bandage”. The coach was dynamic.

We lost but we looked dangerous when we were working the diagonal cross court angles. They got some very good goals. Gilly was huge in goals and as committed as always, even requiring an embrocation of liniment mid-match.

There was an unprecedented post match mutiny. The writer was designated cook and after informing the Nannas of his venue (Dojo Ramen), the People rose up and squashed his idea flat. They complained that it was too inexpensive and instead we should go to Mess Hall and have a banquet. It was actually pretty good (the food), although with a few jugs of IPA under the belt and inhibitions shed, we realised that the interior design was a bit crap.  The main criticism: trying too hard.

And then all the Nannas went home to bed except for the two Nannas who bear Christ in their names. These two brave souls took it to Belleville and witnessed an absolutely outstanding performance by Mara TK. Yeah!

 

 

 

 

Match Report 17 December 2015

//Nanna Match Report Generator
//Dec 2015

var matchStats= {
'loc':"Brunswick College",
'date':"17th Dec 2015",
'oppName':"a team who's moniker fails to materialsie at this juncture",
'gameTime':"8.40pm",
'scoreNan':10,
'scoreOpp':3,
'apres':"a place who's name I fail to recollect"
}

var Tao = {
'nickName':"Best Looking",
'nickName2': "He of the purple head",
'generalPlay': "some fine play and the usual high quality hustling",
'specialMoment': "the-most-perfectly-weighted-from-a-crazy-accute-angle shot",
'anecdote': "illicited some extreme (yet very humourous) language form the opposition due to completely-justified-use-of-pushing",
'goals':2,
'mom':false
}

var Giller = {
'nickName': "Gilby the whack arse Bilby",
'nickName2': "the Funky Nanna™",
'generalPlay': "not a whole lot of work to do, but stopped a couple of rippers",
'specialMoment': "scored a pearler (though it must be said the opposition goalie made a total hash of it)",
'anecdote': "took award for first Nanna to see JJ’s new Star Wars",
'goals':1,
'mom':false
}

var Rhian = {
'nickName': "The Captain®",
'nickName2': "The Kurgening",
'generalPlay': "some fine link up play, great hustling",
'specialMoment': "a couple of very deftly executed ‘dummies’…",
'anecdote': "Touch it",
'goals':1,
'mom':false
}

var Tom = {
'nickName': "The Coach™",
'nickName2': "Coach Colonel Judge Colonel Coach Judge Coach Judge",
'generalPlay': "some fine form to turn up half way through the first half and coach the brown brothers",
'specialMoment': "yelling a lot",
'anecdote': "didn’t play due to the fact that his kit was being stored beneath a small sleeping child",
'goals':0,
'mom':false
}

var Takeshi = {
'nickName': "Kondo",
'nickName2': "The Tokyo Terror",
'generalPlay': "great positioning on court and penalty box poaching",
'specialMoment': "poking home from close range in the secong half",
'anecdote': "was fully kitted-up and ready to roll in goals until GtWAB arrived",
'goals':1,
'mom':false
}

var Daniel = {
'nickName': "Le Coq Sportif",
'nickName2':"Cocky",
'generalPlay': "some solid if energy-conserving work up front",
'specialMoment': "scored a rare hat-trick following a semi-stupaboot shot from a goalie clearance with said goalie wildly off his line…",
'anecdote': "had a strong tatse of coffee in his mouth for much of the game owing to excessive comsumtion in a bid to stave off sleep",
'goals':3,
'mom':true
}

var Andy = {
'nickName': "WalMartin™",
'nickName2':"The BackDoor Man",
'generalPlay': "kind of outrageous running in the heat to keep the ball in play",
'specialMoment': "stopping the ball with less than 3 µm before the sideline",
'anecdote': "was forced to retreat from the field of battle late in the second half",
'goals':0,
'mom':false
}

var Jim = {
'nickName': "Jim Bob",
'nickName2': "The Communications manager (get it )",
'generalPlay': "strong running and robust challenges",
'specialMoment': "An absolute cannon from wide on the left ",
'anecdote': "continued to update the Nannas on the inner workings of Tinder®",
'goals':2,
'mom':false
}

var team = [Tao,Rhian,Jim,Takeshi,Giller,Daniel,Tom,Andy];

if (matchStats.scoreNan > matchStats.scoreOpp) {
var teamName = "The glorious men in brown™"
var gameDesc = "winning"
}
else{
var teamName = "Nanna B"
var gameDesc = "losing"
}

var conj = ["did ","showed ","made ","had ","displayed ","presented ","exhibited ","was "];
var praise = ["kind of OK", "incredible","mindblowing","fucking staggering","breathtaking", "outstanding"];
var add = ["It should also be noted ", "On top of that ","In addition ","That was followed by "];
var damnation = ["pretty crap", "total rubbish","rather muppet-like","appalling","abysmal", "one of the most pathetic events ever witnessed by a Nanna"];

var reportStartString = "a new season at " + matchStats.loc + " and a return to " + gameDesc + " ways for " + teamName + ". " + team.length + " true heroes of Nanna stepped to the court to do battle with " + matchStats.oppName + ". ";
var reportBodyString = ""
var reportEndString = "And that was about it, the" + praise[Math.floor(Math.random()*praise.length)] + " " + team.length + " brown men then went to " + matchStats.apres + " which was OK, all things considered" ;

for (i=0;i< team.length; i++){
var t = team[i];
var randAdd = add[Math.floor(Math.random()*add.length)]
var randConj = conj[Math.floor(Math.random()*conj.length)]
var randPraise = praise[Math.floor(Math.random()*praise.length)]
var randDamn = damnation[Math.floor(Math.random()*damnation.length)]
var comment = [randPraise,randDamn]
var randComment = comment[Math.floor(Math.random()*comment.length)]
if(t.mom==true){var momString = "and due to the extreme brilliance of his overall play was also awarded the highest Nanna honour of MOM"}
else{ var momString = ""}
reportBodyString = reportBodyString + t.nickName + " " + randConj + t.generalPlay + " and " + randConj + t.specialMoment + " which was also " + randComment + ". " + randAdd + t.nickName2 + " scored " + t.goals + " goals " + momString + " and " + t.anecdote + ". " ;
}
alert(reportStartString + reportBodyString + reportEndString)

17 dec 2015 long