NANNAS vs BENS BABES
3 v 4
TH, CG, CB, EC, GM, SJG (MOM)
2,000 squeaks and blood blisters to prove it. A masculine badge of linoleum movements.
Nanna’s were all heart. Scrappy, passionate and poetic.
The other team, let’s call them The Others were economical with their defence and sexless with their attack, but like Germans their progress was methodical and inevitable.
They were younger than us, they were faster than us, they were stronger than us but we were honest, more heartfelt and sincere, but sincerity wins nothing and poetry in the gymnasium impresses less, its a game of numbers and grit.
Our trophy horse Brazilian Guido trotted, twirled and netted us some swift goals. He was unflappable.
Elliot ran with the skeleton of a teenager, his skin holding on as he darted like a weed into the Others field of orange shirts, thin, winding, inevitable and flowering into the net through his doggeded persistence.
Chris was like a funky lightning storm, capturing the flashing rain balls with his slap action defences.
I wanted to win for Coach
I felt that coach was my father
He felt everything, saw everything and knew our form missed the dynamo of connection.
We chased the game, she never came to our side, flirted with us like a summer flame but extinguished by our existential desperation.
But let’s talk about masculinity.
The fuel that dripped from The Others curly haired attacking midfielder.
Irritable and discontent from first whistle to sulked handshakes, earning a yellow card early and sat at a idling ‘strangle-you-to-death-in-a shallow-pool-of-your-own-blood’ mode for the entire match.
I had my own dance with a young fellow toe toucher and shoulder rubber. The referee bless him corrected our dance steps, sought to the tune of his repeated whistles and explanations of the rules in slow threatening tones.
We clawed back to 4-3 just before the end, and I think began to believe in ourselves. Located our weaknesses and knew our straight forward truths of the game.
We were men who had seen the world, raised children, grown flowers, buried our friends. We knew of life, and this was our strength, the foibles of youth weren’t in our loins no-longer, and we could see their awkward self expressions and need for society’s acceptance.
Their fatherhood had not come from the mountain.
We had touched the lightning, grown the child, felt the blood of a dark night and spoken to ghosts.
For a game is just a war without weapons, a schizophrenic poem of sport.
What better way to understand the game than seeing Australia’s greatest jazz pianist collapse his newest compositions in a Brunswick jazz club post match. A Sax player ripping the instrument apart, fragmenting the sound into pure physicality, beyond emotion, into swathes of colour and then just black waves moving into daylight.
Draw of 6/6 vs Schnicks
TH 1 Tit goal and MOM – Others
I don’t know about you losers but I’ve won MOM 3 out of the last 4 times I’ve played which I’m pretty sure is sort of a god-damned record, and none of them were charity fucks so stfu. Here’s a poem I wrote about how ball-tearingly awesome I am so go read it, or better yet have someone read it to you and think about how you could be as good as me if you tried except you can’t because I am the best.
He’s a judge,
He’s a coach,
He’s the greatest player ever to play
He’s won three MOMs in a row
He scores a goal every week
He’s on fire
He’s the best
He cannot fuck up
He’s deep in the zone
MOMs and Goals and
Goals and MOMs and
His tit got a goal
He’s Steve Smithing it every fucking day
Like a legend and a hero
And Maradonna at his peak
He’s the real Don Bradman of the Futsal World
Like the King of the Jungle
He’s on top of the world
Like a baby done a shit
He’s well self satisfied
Like a cabbage made of gold
You can’t eat him but he’s amazing
Like a koala with a sword
He can climb a tree and fuck you up
Goals and MOMs and
MOMs and GOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALS
Everyday he is amazing
Everyday he is incredible
Everyday he fucken smashes it
Everyday he kills someone’s belief that they can be the best
Like Superman on steroids
Like Richie Rich but with more money
Like Allah but you can draw his face
Like a mid 80’s Merryl Streep
He’s the toast of everyone’s balls
A real hot debutant
Whose aceness is undeniable
In every way
Whose penis is quite sizeable
Most every day
Whose shit is remarkable
You’d have to say
And say it they do
I don’t know about you
But your jaw be on the floor every time he score
Because of the wonderful things he does
Killing it, and
Slaying it, and
Making it dead
With true modesty and majesty
Just like the Queen
With her jewels and
A corgi skin rug
He’s a bit fucked up
But you can’t say anything
Because the bossness factor is extreme
And in excelsior
And as an earthquake shakes you
And as Cheech Marin he bakes you
And as Houdini he doth fake you
You’ll be crying on your ass
5-4 v Harchester
CB, DC 2, RH, CG, JH, TH 1 (MOM), TK
And so the earth continues its relentless revolve upon its ever so slightly wobbling axis. And so the tides continue to ebb and flow, filling then emptying the liminal lands as they done since time immemorial. And so the sun rises to shine upon the world every day as it has ever done thusly. And so another Thursday rolls around and the Nannas are found to be pulling on their boots and writing one another sexually explicit limericks just as they have done for as long as any of them can remember.
It was on such a Thursday, after much ribald lyrical contemplation of James’ member, that the ‘shittest Nanna’ – as he was known only to himself – prepared a pre match espresso and pondered how he might improve on a particularly shit game he had executed only the week previously, in which he had played rather shitly and been aptly recognised by his brethren in the Nannas as being worthy of precisely zero votes in the most prestigious of all Nanna awards, that being the Man of Match, or MOM as it was colloquially know amongst the men who wear brown, in fact his efforts on field had been judged equally as useful as an ex-banker now living in Grey Lynn who wasn’t even aware the match was taking place, and who was most likely, rather shabbily, involved in the semi-mystical onanistic practice of shadow pumpery.
and then he ran out of things to say…………
Is it better to publish a half finished match report or none at all? The former I believe.
I love you
PLUS I FORGOT WHO GOT THE GOALS – WHAT AN ASSHOLE
1-5 Loss to Dynamo Tehran
CB 1 (MOM), DC, RH, TH (MOM), TK GK (MOM), TW
Imagine, if you will, an ageing water buffalo. His testicles are chock full of a horrific malignancy. A Komodo dragon bites those rancid pustular gonads clean off the old bull, but finding the taste so spectacularly awful he spits them out leaving them covered in highly septic anaerobic saliva. These fetid cojones land in a pile of leper anus’ that have literally shat themselves out of their own rectums during an explosive bout of dysentery related diarrhoea. A passing cat vomits a green bile glaze all over this malodorous mess, then it bakes in the tropical sun and maggots grow in it, until even they die and rot into little sulphurous maggot corpses because it is such god awful disgrace and affront to everything that isn’t a noxious pile of shit covered leper anus’s glazed in cat vomit with a couple of pus filled water buffalo testicles sitting on top.
This sorry picture does not adequately confer the shitness with which we comported ourselves.
On the plus side I won MOM. And I have to assume it was because of love. I showed Chassy a lot of love on the flurries (even after I was a bit cranky with him) and then he showed me a whole lot of love right back ( I think). So let’s not forget what is most important: the love a Nanna has for a brother Nanna. Love you all…
ATT: CB, DC, CG, JH (MOM), RH
Nannas 4 plays Copa Cobana 3
Fletcher was officially five months on the day after the game; it had been just under five months since I had played for the Nannas.
Of the Nannas, there were five to take to court, with El taking up a sixth position. It was muted that we get a seventh but six was deemed ample (by those in the know). Yet, the sixth, El, did not end up being the sixth, as he somehow contrived to run into the back of a parked vehicle on the way to the game. Furthermore, for a moment, it did appear that Cocky would not make it either, having to tend to his injured child, but with about five minutes to spare he showed himself.
So, we were five. And what a magnificent vista of manhood we were too. At the back stood Gilla. Resplendent in his keepers kit, huffing it out nicely with his ample chest and sizable thighs. It was obvious, for anyone keen on looking, that getting past him would take some doing. At the other of the court, Cocky took his place. All pace and fury, all movement and magic, the Cock’s intent would be running himself back and forth, making the opposition pay for any look they gave him on goal. Just behind the Cock lurked the Chas. Now let me tell you a thing about the Chas. He might look ungainly, all legs a loping, but in truth they don’t call him the most beautiful Nanna for nothing. At right back was the Captain. With a fresh shave, he was a picture of sculptured sinew and monumental muscle; sleekness, out to cut a swathe through the opponents’ flank. Beside him is where I took up station. From my vantage point the court seemed small, the ball hard, the opposition slight and pink. I felt like we had them.
The early exchanges were positive. The Nannas took early touches, making favourable forays forward. We had the ball and were going to keep it. Furthermore, it was only a matter of time until we would break them down and score, and so it proved. The ball was delivered to me by Captain (I think) just inside their territory. Cocky could see plenty of space down their right flank and ran to where he hoped the ball would be delivered. I put it in front of him, and he duly slotted home. It was a fine effort given his natural right-footedness and the keeper came to meet him at the near post. 1-zip.
They got one next. It was their only good move for the entire game, opening us up with some fine passing and movement, which the Nannas were hard pressed to counter. 1-1.
Next came our second. I got the ball mid-court on their left with my back to goal. I had one dude to my back, and another loitering to my front. As the dude in front came to challenge, I slipped it passed him and turned the dude to my rear. All I had to do next was finish, which I did, hitting it low and hard, to the keeper’s right. 2-1.
I am pretty sure they got another before half time but can’t remember it.
Half time: 2-2.
At the break the Captain talked to us of pressure and keeping up our previous efforts. His masculinity and silky skin a guide and inspiration for all the Nannas.
Chassy took this inspiration to heart, leading the way with those loping legs of his. Early in second stanza he thought he was through but the ball jilted loose, leaving Chassy to run past their goals with nothing to show for it. Yet, as their keeper threw it back in, Chas saw his chance and jumped its intended recipient as the ball rolled toward him. He stole, he turned on goal, he placed it neatly passed their keeper. 3-2.
Their next goal was my fault. The ball came bouncing through. I failed to clear it, only getting a weak touch, which only set them up. 3-3.
This last goal proved a tonic for the Nannas; we knew we were better than these young punks, we knew we could beat them, and we certainly knew we weren’t going to lose. So we pushed forward time and time hitting cross bars, skewing our shots just wide, missing final touches that would have let us in on goal until finally, during one of these attacking raids, the Cock was hauled down just outside their penalty area. He stepped up, sizing up the shot. They put three in the wall, and had one marking Chassy over to on Cocky’s left. That left me unattended, so I wondered over to the right. There I stood all alone, the back of the net beckoning me like David Beckham’s flashing boots. Cocky was given the green light to strike. He pondered his options. He looked at the wall, throwing a cursory glance in my direction. I wondered, will he kick it to me? The moment lingered, until suddenly the ball came my way; the perfect pass, expertly weighted, right in the middle of my stance. All I had to do was lean back and lash into the top right corner, which I did. 4-3.
Then came the last two minutes of the game. We felt in control, we were pushing for a fifth, the killer blow. But somewhere in all that dash and hustle, pushing forward, striving for that final pass, we gave it up, and, in true Nanna fashion, in mid-field too. Well, the opposition saw their chance, could they steal a draw from the clutches of defeat, maybe even get two and take the victory? The Nannas backpedalled, Gilla threw himself this way and that, heaving that huffing chest of his as he repelled shot after shot. Suddenly, all our control and passing deserted us, not being able to even get a touch. Suddenly we were under the pump. But the clock was against them, and we, even though we did panic a little, were resolute.
Final score 4-3.
‘‘Twas the night before Friday, a sacred night. The only night in the week that is not, not Thursday. This particular not, not Thursday was the not, not Thursday of brown pride, of victory, a display of raw power that has not been seen for the past Millenia. 8-3. Double plus 2. This night shall go down in history as one of the greatest conquests in modern history. This monumental game shall never be forgotten. The numbers eight and three were burned into the retinas of every individual who witnessed the game.
Who knew so much power could be squeezed into such a small booth.
CB, DC(1), JH ((2)MOM), RH ((1)MOM), TK(G), TW ((1)MOM), AW
Having more than one MOM really is a race to get the report done or one is just repeating everything that’s already been said. What more can I do now that the wordsmith Jim Hannan has come before me? It’s not like I get paid to write anything.
As Jim say, it was a well fought game against a worthy adversary. The most class of Nanna’s on this night. Passing was tight and right. The ball was hitting the back of the net at both ends and few unworthy ones of theirs were getting through (except for their equaliser that was my fault 😢).
4-6 Loss Vs Perspolise
DC (2), JH (1), RH, Principal, TH (G), TW (1(MOM))
Against a mighty good and, may I say, gracious team the Nanna’s were outclassed but managed to hold our own and save face a lot better than our first meeting with these semi pros.
Some extremely tasty passing by the Nanna’s helped us slot away 4 goals to keep us within a snifter distance of victory but alas it was not to be that kind of a glorious night.
Not that we should hang our heads in shame. No not at all. The top team are a team worthy of being beaten by.
Post game the captain took my daughter in his car and, as if he knew I was going to get there before him, and though he knew there was a rock star park out the front of the decided upon venue for eating and drinking, he sent me to the wrong venue to keep that rock star park all to himself. Well played captain, well played.
There was nothing going to dampen our spirits on this night of nights with the news we had all been waiting for was upon us. Jim was finally leaving the Nanna’s…. for good. Alas this was not to be. Instead we were greeted with even better news. Another Nanna will be brought into the fold. A new little Hannan will be coming into the world. Hooray for Jim……… and Christiana I suppose. Love and Kisses brother.
5-8 Loss Vs Bens Babes
TK (G), DC, JH (3), TH, RH (C), TW (2(MOM)), AW (AC)
Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, for yelling at my fellow Nanna’s and at the ref (though I think I only did that the week before and not so much on this night)
It was a well fought game against a pretty good side. They did start to tire near the end but then again so did we. Their shots on goals were mostly good but it could’ve been a bit of a tighter game if not for some less than tidy defence on our behalf. We know we can be good in defence but when we’re not we really pay for it.
The captain said to me post game he thinks we could beat them. This may be a little optimistic but you never now. Probably on our best day we could when we all work together, run together and don’t leave each other hanging. We need to look for and use each other when we can. Holding onto the ball for too long tends to have the one outcome, giving the ball to the opposition (and yes I am guilty of that).
So in our next game let’s try and be nicer to each other, encouraging rather than angry. Let’s get faster passes, especially from any free shots. Don’t wait for the ball to be brought to you, run in grab it and get the shot out there before the opposition have time to regroup. Our best shot is to get the ball up our end while the other teams are runnings back. Fast turnarounds is what we need. And running down the opposite side when someone has a run on the ball. There should always be back up. The ball may be passed to you or you might find yourself with a rebound to take advantage of.
Let’s climb that ladder of glory Nanna’s.
RH (capt) , AW, TK, TH (1 goal), CG (1 goal), TW
I got there really early thinking that it was a 8:20pm match. As the half time finished I was thinkning it was full time and that I had been abondoned by all the nannas. I was frantic. Walking around like a stunned funk apostle. It wasnt until Joel told me it was half time that I realised the Nannas would never let me down. THis was the last time Joel was nice to the nannas that night.
It was a weird night. All of a sudden Tao turns up like a legend even though he was dead for all money on the flurry. Always a nice surprise to see a sneaky nanna turnt up. We gathered before the match. INstead of passing the ball around, we collected in the goal mouth and talked tactics. We faced a team of 10 very fast kids all under 20. We were wide eyed with THE FEAR. Don’t run we were saying, pass it around, save our strength, get ready! Instead the Nannas came out of the blocks like Peter North after a run.
THe level of heat on the court was intense. The nannas were right up in their chris Grill. I have never seem such brown furvour for many a year. The whole team were on fire. Tom got the first with a parry, then I cracked a long bomb (first in a while). We were two nil up at half time. INSANE. One of the heaviest halves I’ve seen in brown. All I can say is that it was an old hairy David versus a very young Goliath.
Then Joel comes back into the story. Their keeper tries to stop a ball but slides over a meter out of bounds, handling the ball as their last player to goal. Clear penalty. We all yell at Joel, who is off on the side talking to his friend and he MISSES the WHOLE INCIDENT. He calls play on as he didn’t see it. We yell madly and play goes on for them to score a goal against the tide. And what an old tide it was.
Then they got another, and another and another annnnnnd another. Oh and one more. We were broken. NOT HAPPY JAN. But we were not done for yet. Whilst their guy with a head knott top bun thing was shifting his game up several levels, we still shut him down.
Then Thomas is in an altication. As he remembers it a guy was running blindly backward towards him. He crosses himself with his arms to protect his body / head from the impending clash of the titans. THen guy connects with the coach. He goes down. The Coach is intact and relaxed. The guy on the sideline tells Joel that Thomas shanked a guy, then Joel asks Tom to sub off or get a red card. The Coach chooses red.
THe nannas are down but not out. Whilst they shoot, we parry. They attack and we hold crazy firm. We cannot bridge the gap. It is a bridge too far. THe Nannas go down.
Post match the Nannas are in fine voice, After shaking with RMIT and congratulating them we let Joel know that definitely fucking a Nanna in Tasmania might get you a prison sentence, but doing it on the court in Brunswick apparantly aint no thang.
It turns out that Tom shook hands with Joel after the match proving to us all that a Nanna with a brown heart is a Nanna indeed. We changed outside in the cool night air. So unhappy. It was interesting to see Andy Wong, the coolest of all Nannas be as Angry as Tao has ever been.
Then we step to the new Joe’s. I foolishly say to Tom, WOW, its amazing that none of us Nannas ever get injured….. Within 5 minutes Rhian picks up Quad tightness. Just out of the blue.
It was not a brown night.
Vs Harchester United
CB 1, TW, TK, CG, DC, AW
Bunch of constables.
vs The Heathens
CB 2, DC 2, JH 2, TH 1, AW, CG (1 goal opp late)
A powerful and beautiful display by the dreamy Nannas. All bedecked in splendid matching brown. Looking every inch the team in their well considered silky matching vestments.
The opposition a rag tag bunch in sweat stained mismatched cotton T shirts and heaving with piercings and body paint and other barbarian adornments.
If you had been there to witness the competitive gnashing of teeth and the humidity that infused this vespertine display, dear reader, you may well have needed a long, cool post prandial shower in order to recalibrate your skittish personal thermostat.
TK, RH (1), CG (G), CB (1), AW (1(MOM)), TW (1(MOM))
What a game to return to. After trekking the jungles of Sumatra and Malaysia in search of volcanos, baby elephants and orang-utans , whilst fighting off gangrene, ross river fever, etc, it was amazing to come back to the open arms of the Nanna’s and play an awesome game against one of longest lasting adversaries.
The game started off a little shaky even though we got the first goal. By half time we were a goal down.
After a little pep talk from the captain, and of course from the goalie, we came out with a little extra in the tank and managed to find the back of the net 3 more times whilst holding our opposition back enough only allowing them one more goal in the second half.
Big win for the Nanna’s and a great first game back after 5 weeks.
Then, after only 2 days back in the country there I am preparing to go away for some serious BBP with the brethren. What a week, what a weekend. Still glad I didn’t go for a swim in the middle of the night.
By way of introduction (and making up for reports unloaded), it was a very proud dad-moment to play on the pitch with my offspring, Izzy. It was something I’ve been dreaming of, hoping for that father-son-game-crossover before that dirty R-word (retirement) which must be fast approaching. So there we were, Izzy had rocked up to watch the game and unbeknownst to me he had his Nanna top on under his hoodie. Once this became apparent some general cajoling ensured from the surrounding huddle of nanna seniors. And next thing we know we got a 11 year old on the court (and 7 months). He’s been finessing his skills since very young. Soccer is pretty much his entire waking focus; six games a week, indoor, outdoor plus lunchtimes. With greater fitness and ball skills than my own, the Nanna’s succession plan is well and truly underway. It was a super special moment to play together. I nearly shed a tear of joy. There’s much that he hasn’t mentioned in his report, mostly of his pure excitement in playing and inclusion into the game, but I’ve left it raw as his version of events.
From Izzy below:
My first game for the Nannas… and I scored! I think the dark chocolate and the juggling outside helped me to prepare for the game, I didn’t actually know I was playing until the last few minutes when Andy noticed I was wearing the kit.
Chazzy scored a hatrick, one of them Dan rolled it back and Chazzy smashed into the net, left footer. My goal was in the bottom right corner and the goalkeeper just got a touch on it but then it rolled past him and in, I also had another chance were I ran it up and then shot but it hit the post and rolled out behind the keeper. The other goal was scored by where I nutmegged the defender and finished it off bottom left. The end scores were 7-3 our way, WE WON!!!
After the game we went to LaxaKing for dinner, ( I didn’t have any because I had already had tacos before the game ), I ordered a lemon lime bitters and Chris gave me some of his tea, Andy and I tried counting how many people worked there and we figured out there was about 40.
Attendees: JH (MOM), AW (MOM), TW (MOM), Headmaster James (HJ), Joel
Nannas 5 plays Alberto Melasani FC 5
Two days before my birthday (f#ck you all) and the Nannas all decided that this would be a good week to not play. This happens sometimes when everyone has something on and we are left scrambling to find ringers (to be noted: a couple of Nannas disappeared off the face of the earth after signalling their non-playing intentions; this surprised some Nannas, Tao especially).
So, we thought we had a team with Chas and Guido saying they could join the fray but Chassy did the classic I’m out, no, I’m in, no, I’m out, move (the legend of the enigmatic Chassy continues to grow), while Guido rang me about two hours prior the game saying he had to fly to Brazil the next day and wasn’t going to make it.
So I texted Phil, who said he could come but then didn’t show up. Luckily Joel could deputise but when we got on court he didn’t really play that much. He said it wouldn’t be fair if he played to his full ability (or some shit like that), so he hung out on court, didn’t man up and was more a link man than anything else. To be reasonable, he did pull out a move or two and scored a goal so I can’t diss him too much but we would have creamed them if he had tried (so probably best not to get him again).
I was in goals for the first three quarters of the match and this is what I clearly recollect from that time:
1. There was some very sweet passing and movement, and Tao hit almost the perfect goal after essentially the ideal lead up. I threw it to him standing just on the other side of half way. He laid it off to Andy, who drew in a defender and then passed it back to Tao. Tao had space so he hit it with the outside of the toe. It swerved wickedly from left to right. The keeper had no chance.
2. While we were effervescent in attack, our defence was close to the opposite. There were at least a dozen times when they streamed forward with not a brown player between them and me (I know how Gilla feels). Surprisingly, I did save quite a lot after getting a few early shots hit straight at me (which made me mad but also gave me confidence) but couldn’t get everything.
Then I came out of goals and HJ went in. HJ was as good in goals as he was on court (which was in every way noble and upstanding, befitting a man of his stature and employ); I am pretty sure he didn’t let any in and if it were up to me he would be first choice sub (even though when he wasn’t in goals he missed two or three sitters from directly in front in true Jim Hannan style).
Anyway, I thought we were in front 5-4 when I came out of goals, and not long after, after a bit of a goal-mouth scrap, I put one away. Obviously I didn’t look at the scoreboard but it was 5-5, instead of 6-4 (like I thought).
Anyway, that’s how it ended up, except for one punk talking shit about Gilla after the bell. These guys could be our new arch enemies, and what’s more we can beat them easily (if we were to pull a full-strength team together).
Afterward, we went to our new clubhouse and talked of babies, absent Nannas, flying overseas and trips to the snow (and obviously, I was the tallest one there).
vs The Randy Dragons 2-10 Loss
CB, JH, RH, TH 2 (MOM), TK(gk)
We Lost to The Randy Dragons
Boy did it hurt. That fucken’ scaled scabrous thing you do not want given you a fucken’. 8======>~~~~~ But fucken’ us it did. Ouch! To paraphrase the pharisees – Jesus Fucking Christ! Like when Conan the Barbarian punched a horse we went down. It was bad.
Let’s focus on the positives. I got two goals – that does NOT happen every day. We drank beer – that was fun. It was Jim’s first game as a married man – it did not end in divorce. Chassy said the FUNNIEST thing I have EVER heard at the pub – we all laughed. +++++ (positives)
Well, where to from here? We need to fight back, and get our own Dragon Cocks. I’m pretty sure buying actual Dragon Cocks is frowned up on (like buying Rhino horn I guess), but there’s no law in the world that says you can’t turn your own Penis into a Dragon Cock – sooooooooooooooo somehow we have to metamorphise Chassy into a Dragon’s Member *BA DING CHA* see what I did there? Oh boy-o.
8:40 versus Lieutenants
CB 1m, DC 2m, RH 1, TH, TK, AW 1 – (highly unsure of the actual goal tally)
The mercury has really dropped recently, which makes the dedication of the Coach® and the author to their on-going controlled experiment even more remarkable. I swear the temperature in the Merri Creek Valley was close to zero as our intrepid cyclists made their way to Brunswick (perversely riding within meters of the skippers house en route).
Much like last week kick off was again meet almost immediately with weirdness. This time in the form of Joel – aka Little Ref – informing our opposition that they were on the wrong court… that was a first. They departed and the Nannas, who until that point had been playing rather well, were left standing around the court looking rather confused (the author even more confused due to the bewildering effects of the controlled experiment was prompted to question if in fact it was actually happening in actual reality). Eventually another team was found who appeared half familiar but at the same time kind of cobbled together. Weird. Needless to say we’d really had our flow fucked with. Now, we’ve played these guys (or most of them) many times before and one thing that is really noticeable is that they really don’t like to smile much, if at all. Anyway, it was a curious game in that we actually played quite well, stringing together some really nice moves, especially passing around the back (with some tasteful touches from Takeshi in goal), but we lost really badly, shipping 9 goals in the process ? how the hell did that happen. I was clearly to blame for one of them, I swear there was no way the guy could control this crazy goalie looping punt… but he did. The Coach was also to blame for a couple of not-following-your-man-as-he-runs-in-a-little-circle-doing-a-1-2-in-the-box-before-shooting goals. So perhaps the Skipper is right in proposing that the GHBG is good for attack and not so good for defence… could be something in that… maybe… possibly. Speaking of attack, we did score a couple of nice ones, I almost karate kicked their goalie in the face to get a mega cross court switch ball from von Martinadale III. There were also an inordinate amount of goal-mouth scuffles which we never quite able to convert. I should also mention that there was some rather unsavoury off-the-ball action when one of the opposition blatantly elbowed the author in the ribs ? apparently this was in retaliation for some perceived injustice earlier in the game. Moments later the same perpetrator, having been bested in a 50/50 ball proceeded to hack wildly at the authors legs as he made off with the ball, fortunately for the authors bodily well being he had transitioned into a kind of flux state where the hacker had become more a tricky piece of terrain to navigate while skiing or mountain biking than a human, a kind of terramophism if you will, which the author successfully avoided whilst involuntarily emitting a whoop of glee…
Anyway, the score did most certainly not reflect the game. poohs.
Afterward we went to Mr Wilkins and were regaled with tales of a young von Martindale III’s late night adventures in prophylactic procurement before being joined by Gillman du Brassy for an entirely wholesome game of Jenga (which the Coach lost). Pints of Steam Ale (and some unmentionable lager) were consumed and talk turned to the backdated bucks party that Jim would be needing having gone and got hitched in the Big Apple whilst on a research Junket for Cory Bernadi’s new conservative party for whom he will be shortly announcing his appointment as press secretary. The Nannas then spent the rest of the evening thinking of words that rhyme with Cory… story, allegory, Montessori…
p.s. what is that in Jim’s hand ?
Attendees: CG, JH 2 (MOM), RH, TK, AW
Result: Nannas 4 plays Ruud Boys 1
From now on, there’s a first five. If available, first on the court are: Gilla, Jim, Rhian, Takesh and Andy.
It’s the best team the Nannas have.
Last Thursday proved it, and it wasn’t just because we won, it was in the manner that we did it. It was a full team performance. From back to front every Nanna played his role.
Gilla was rock solid in goals, as always, and saved us a few blushes as the clock wound down and the Nannas tired. But his vastly improving distribution is starting to set the tone for the Nannas (he’s starting to know when to go himself [when we’re tired] and when to pass) and last night wasn’t the first time we scored at least one goals from one of his long passes.
Takesh too had a blinder. I think the main feature of his game over the last weeks has been his defense and his willingness to chase and chase and chase some more. Like a rabid sheep dog, he repeatedly got the better of most of his opposite number, stealing the ball from behind or gut running to make sure he was in the way if one of their team got loose. And then, to put the icing on the cake, he set up Hinkley for our opening goal.
Talking of Hinkley, well, it took a moment of magic to get the Nannas going last week, and his strike from what seemed like an impossible angle was pure gold. Before that we huffed and puffed, and were not putting it together but after, we knew we had ‘em. It takes true leadership to get a team up and going.
And then there’s Andy, everyone’s favourite Nanna, the Nanna everyone wants to be, or shack up with, depending on how we are feeling. Andy too, did a mountain of defensive work, time and again running back to protect our lead or just getting his hands dirty by going the hack. But the enduring vision from this match was Andy striding forward to sweetly lash home, from a corner kick. Many Nannas try this move but most get the balance all wrong, leaning back and usually shoot over the target. Not Andy, from the moment I saw him go forward, I knew it was in the back of the net.
And then there’s me. Well, I wasn’t high this week, which was a disappointment but after Hinkley’s goal and after seeing all the great defensive work by my brother Nannas I felt we couldn’t lose and I put the icing on the cake. Gilla threw a long one, and I got my head to it, not really knowing what I was doing but I hit it perfect and it looped over the keep and into the top right of the goal. Then for my next act, I bent one low into their left corner. That was pretty special, I must admit.
Nanna extreme? I reckon we shouldn’t do the two minute subs anymore, just get the solid tight five going, and Cocky, Chas and Tao can come on if there’s an injury or as a tactical substitution.
Nannas 2 plays Unathletico Madrid 1
Attendees: Caesar, Dave, Gilla, Guido, Jim, Jerry (team MOM)
I am not quite sure what it is about this team that fires up the Nannas. Maybe it’s the little Asian dude, who’s forever grabbing at you, pushing you and purposely getting all up in your shit, but the moment you do it back to him, he gets more indignant than Donald Trump at a press conference. Then there’s their keeper and his on-field bunkum. This pecker puller, who can’t help himself but remark on nearly every play of the game, was the same guy that when we played them ages ago threw the ball away from Chassy when they were five or six goals up with a about thirty seconds on the clock. Or is it the guy with the angry eyes. Mr A-Eyes, after I had inadvertently kicked into him and then tried to apologise, went into this transfixed, primeval state with his mate all like ‘ooooh, don’t touch him, ooooooooooh don’t even go near him’ like he was so close to the edge that one more little push was going to see him inflict some sort of berserker rage.
Sure, in the first half, I got into them worse than a bad case of the Clap but it wasn’t like they were blameless in all this, and it wasn’t like we weren’t in a competitive environment where getting your opponent worked up is a good way to put them off their game (these are the same guys we beat in the semi last season).
You will be pleased to know that I did resolve to settle it down a bit after a couple of words from Dave at half time. The only problem was Caesar didn’t get this same advice, or if he did he didn’t heed it. He and Mr A-Eyes had a bit of a set too in the second half, which almost came to blows.
You will also be happy to hear that we were playing some good football. We were holding the ball and passing the ball, Caesar kept running through them, and Dave and I were cleaning up at the back. The first half ended at a goal apiece, and in the second, Caesar got another early on.
As the clock wound down they came at us again and again. They are fast and young, and in those last ten minutes it seemed like we must concede.
Yet they were also way angry and sulky. And like a spoilt child that always gets its way, they expected that the goals would come (but sometimes, like on this evening, this can work against you).
Gilla did pull off some amazing saves (as he always does) but the real turning point was when Jerry arrived with about eight minutes to go (just when some of the older Nannas were starting to tire). It was like the Calvary appearing out of the last afternoon mist after much blood shed and sure enough it tipped the battle in our favour.
As you probably have guessed, we held on.
Afterwards, most of them didn’t shake our hands and they were mutterings like, ‘let’s take it to the carpark’, but all they did out there was cry to the ref and Joel about how dirty we were and how the officiating should have done much, much more to stop this.
What a bunch of babies.
MOM: Andrew ‘Walmartin’ Wong
Report – unposted
first game in the new kit, and yes, Wal again taking another dump in our collective mouths…
” That’s come. I’ve come in your mouth. Not a frozen log”
Nannas 1 plays Dery 5
Att: ANDY, GILLA, GUIDO, JIM, KONDO, RHIAN, TAO
Another season done and another very Nanna way of completing a finals series. Yes, we made the granny but it wouldn’t be a Nanna granny without just a little controversy. And coming out of this minor storm upper management will need to answer two key questions before the new season:
1. What’s up with Chassy, or (put another way), is Chassy out of his fucking mind? Now don’t get me wrong, on the one hand I did very much enjoy the flurry that Chassy’s texts created. It was at times hilarious and one of the best flurries that the Nannas have generated in years. But on the other hand, and it’s a big but, there is a time and place for such conversations and given how divergent the Nannas can be on almost every given topic, he must of know that raising such a subject would create
within the brown ranks. So starting this conversation only hours before the game, and not letting it go like he did, was, as they say in corporate land, a complete and utter dick move. Sure, we all love Cocky, and as much as we all wanted him to play and we all felt for him that he couldn’t, the conversation about this should have happened way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way earlier. The question I keep coming back to is what was Chassy thinking? Was he trying to undermine us? Was he jealous that we were in the finals? Did he not want us to win? Was he just fucking with us (although this didn’t seem the case given the tenor of his later texts)? Why was it so important that Cocky played, and what did Cocky think about this? And why couldn’t he keep it in his pants and see that he was doing damage to the morale and stability of the Nannas so close to the season decider?
2. What is a Nanna? This is a question that was brought up during the pre-game discussion and it’s one that does need serious attention. Is it someone who’s been in and around the team all 15-16 years or it is someone that is in the team on any particular week? Will there ever be such a thing as an on court, playing Nanna, and an off-court or BeachBox Nanna? And where do ringers fit into the wider scheme of things, especially now that there are one or two Nannas that aren’t playing as much as they used to? Is it fair that we ask ring-ins to fill in and be an integral member of a team for five or six weeks as we go all the way to the finals but then, when we make the granny, we suddenly decide that the ringer be is not good enough and expect them not to play because a Nanna becomes available? Should there a minimum number of games you have to play a season to be a Nanna? Or can you always demand a walk up start for any game, let alone a final, regardless of when you played last? And if you’re not playing do you have the right to try to influence on court matters? What rights do you have if you are not a Nanna original? Would the Nannas ever be picked on form and/or commitment? What is the point of the Nannas? Are we a team or just a bunch of part-timers who pick and choose when we want to play and expect there to be a space ready for us to fill, even if it’s at the expense of the wider team? Do we want to win or are we just happy to turn up, week on week, and take what’s coming to us?
So many questions and as Tao said this will need to be resolved in the Nanna constitution before the next round of finals.
And so to the game. We did okay. It was a totally scrappy and uncontrolled affair, and it was always going to be won by the team who took their chances. They did, we didn’t: end of story. We had a couple of moments of good play, like the five or six minute spell leading up to half time when we started to string a few passes together and Guido buried one from close to half way (but just before the break they got one and got back to 2-1).
The second half was pretty much the same but their striker kept getting goal side and Gilla couldn’t stop him. It’s true we were a bit too fired up and there was no fluidity to how we played, and less passing. Far too often we kicked the ball away or went solo when someone else was open and had a better position than us.
The other team were good though. They hustled us; pretty much did what we did to those young punks last week. They never let us settle and were physical.
It was a bit disappointing. It was a bit frustrating. It was a bit sad.
Afterward, we went to Howler and discussed selling cars, treehouses, weddings, and then I left.
Vs Unathletico Madrid
loss 9-1 (second half loss 2-0)
CB MOM, DC 1, TK(gk), TH, RH, AW, JH
Lads of Unathletico Madrid!
You are actually quite athletic.
What does this mean?
Is this irony?
Is this the end of capitalism?
Engel warned us.
Did he not?
It could be like
Gilla calling himself Unfunky,
Or Taozza calling himself Ugliest
Or if we started calling Cocky Vagina.
Speaking of Vagina,
Cocky was the sole penetrant
Of the opposition’s
And with nine seconds to go
Their goalie threw the ball away.
It was our corner.
We cannot take
That seems unsporting good sir!
They should change their name to
The Good Sports Madrid.
Attendees: DC 1, JH 2 (MOM), RH, TK, AW, Guido
Result: Nannas 4 plays Kent Brockman 10
Well, the Nannas are still having trouble putting a full team on the court. At the start of the week, we were a good seven brave Nannas willing to do battle. But by Thursday, first Tao went down (with flu), Tommy became unavailable because of
his beloved, and Cocky was 50/50 because of his lower leg.
So we brought in some cover in the form of Guido, our Brazilian super sub, who was only too keen to fill in for us.
Our opposition didn’t care for our troubled team line up. In the first five minutes of the game they must have put four passed us in quick succession. It has to be said that this is becoming all too familiar for the Nannas, mainly because we are continually coming up against some very quick, very skilful and very young opponents.
At this point I saw another familiar sight for the Nannas; the look of resignation. Yes, the Nannas over the last year or so have had to put up with being a bit outgunned and playing in the knowledge that we will be on the end of another loss. And tonight it looked like it was going to be a slaughter.
I do think this has had an effect on us, and has affected our form.
And so it was on this night, they put those first four passed us, our heads dropped and we had nothing to look forward to except another massacre. But then something happened. Guido came on, with his first two touches he went round two of their players and then buried his shot in the bottom left corner.
The fightback had begun. Guido was playing link man in the middle (apart from having a lot of pings himself) and laid on the second goal for me. Guido had the ball about ten out with his back to goal. I went passed him on his left and slid the ball to me. The angle was acute but I didn’t have anyone in the middle to pass to so I just tried to bang it into the top of the net. Well, the keeper just seemed to fade as the ball went above him and bulged the top of the goal.
We got two more goals, Guido one and me one too. I don’t remember Guido’s but mine was another good one too. I got the ball in mid court, went passed one of their players and the toe poke slid in at the far post.
There were a couple of moments when I was almost out on my feet but we ran and ran and competed and competed and won the second half two, one. Looking forward to the next game. We just need to start a little better.
Nannas 5 plays Sore Losers (Occasionally United) 4
DC, JH, TW, Guido, Phil
Okay, so only a few weeks after our AGM, where it was discussed that the Nannas need to pull their collective fingers out and turn up more, again we only had three brave brown men turning out.
One of those, me, was at the start still a bit unsure of if he wanted to play. I kinda got the feeling post-match that the Nannas thought my sadness a few weeks back was due to off-court issues (that is, the ex) but it wasn’t (more on that later): I didn’t like someone running up behind me, and screaming in my ear (well, that’s what it felt like) for putting the ball out of play, or being told I was shit when someone got in front of me to get the ball. This sort of thing does affect one’s confidence in the overall team spirit and brotherly love we like to think is the Nannas (which I why I said on the Flurry I thought we were kidding ourselves).
Anyhow, we were five, with Guido and Phil in, the latter in goals.
The opposing team. Well, they weren’t too bad. They were younger than us (not unusual) and had one dude who could play. But the Nannas weren’t too bad either. Cocky couldn’t quite run (he had cramps in his calf); Tao, who played okay, insisted on yelling at him every time he got out of position (I got a couple of blasts too but I did lose my man but the ones at Cocky were a bit much); Guido was in fine fettle, well his big toe was; and Phil was solid at the back and did some fine explorations up field with ball at foot.
The game was pretty tight but we were always in front with Guido and that big toe of his slotting some very fine goals. The best was laid on for him by Cocky, who slid through a glorious diagonal ball that got Guido’s man all out of position, effectively putting our gifted Brazilian through on goal to do what he does best.
The post match was pretty entertaining as the opposition got the shits with Phil, saying that they should have won the match on forfeit or at least got a goal because he (Phil) was playing on our side. Phil told them they should go jump and I added (as delicately as I could) that if we had our ‘proper’ team on the park we would have smashed them (their goalie’s reaction to this was priceless).
It was good to win.
Anyway, to the ex. So Tao dropped the news (after the game) that the ex is seeing someone (which is something I didn’t know up until that point but I must admit I did have my suspicions, mainly because Gilla was always talking about it). Now, to be truthful, this news did rock me for a little while (probably some of Friday) but on reflection I think the Nannas need to get over it. I feel like I am having that conversation with my parents all over again (the one where I have to explain why me and her aren’t getting back together). As much as Justine and I were a fixture for a long time, and in spite of the fact that the kids are still coming to terms with the separation, what has happened is for the best. I am not going to dis the ex, or reiterate all the reasons why I broke it off with her, or why she broke up with me but I will say that if we would have stayed together it would have been bad, like crossing the streams bad. And this is not to say that you shouldn’t be friends with Justine (I will never begrudge you this), or that some part of me still doesn’t have feelings for her but I look at the way I am now and the way I was when I was with her and, as Cocky would say, it’s truly terrifying. Put it like this (as my counsellor often does), if we had stayed together I would have ended up a shell of a human being, hollowed out, eaten up by extreme frustration and misery, waiting and hoping for some happy ending that was never going to arrive.
So, with all love and respect Nannas, do me a favour and let this topic alone, especially when I’m around: I really don’t wanna know and for all intents and purposes I am really trying not to care; a lot harder said than done. I don’t want to have to death blow you like I did my Dad. He’s still getting over it.
Well miracles do come true – the ball popped up in front of me just on our attacking side of the halfway line and the little baby jesus (blessed be his name) put the magic on my foot and I fuckingwell launched that son of a bitch back at those bastards with the force of a thousand suns exploding the fiery death of supernova nuclear fission power, the ball pretty much elongated into an ellipse with a molten point where physics failed and angels suffer ‘le petite morte’ and damn if that wasn’t a goal for the ages.
Then I fuckin’ mind fucked those kojaks from a set shot but the little ref fisted me so bad.
Perhaps the funniest moment was when their goalie was double nutmegged by a back pass, somehow he sort of lay down over the ball and put his arms on either side of it and then spread his legges to make the humiliation all the greater as it rolled into the goal like a slow vag stain – I think Andy may have flashed his cock at this ‘goalie’ at the opportune moment.
Cocky put one into the corner as only he can, and fuck me with the raw end of Donal Trump’s toupee if the fucking old 1-2s weren’t working. TRIANGLE OF POWER – PASS AND RUN NANNAS, PASS AND FUCKINGWELL RUN.
Started with a lovely hug all in.
2-7 Loss Vs Jalapeno Chinos
CB, RH (1), JH, DC, TK (G), TH, TW (1(MOM))
We lost, respectfully, to a team of skilful and fit young men who were prepared to sprint constantly for the full thirty six minutes. The only thing they lacked was more than a decade and a half of shit-talking, planning, meeting, beach boxing and many other bonding activities too numerous to mention. And that is why I have it on good authority that not only did…….. ok ok it was a very similar game to two weeks ago though I have to say I think we played a little better this time.
The first half there was classic Nanna’s running after the ball and running after their man. How often do we see this?? Often I tell you. The second half had us regroup and saw us turn and run with our man. This kept the goals down in the second half and we played with pride.
I walked away from that game feeling pretty good. Feeling like we had done our best and were beat by a much better team. You can’t ask for more than that. It wasn’t until a few days later, and I am kind of wishing I got this report out much sooner, but it wasn’t until a few days later that some devastating news hit The Flurry. One of our long serving members was considering leaving The Nanna’s due to the abuse he felt he received on the court. I was very relieved to find out that on this particular occasion it was not I that flung the shit. I realise this is somewhat surprising and possibly those that were the flingers this time around only served to be the straw that broke the camels back.
However you want to look at it there there were some truths that came from the very sad and near resignation of one of our beloved brothers. He is correct in stating that there does need to be some attitude adjustments and I would be the first to admit that I am one of those that need adjusting. I have been doing my best over the last few weeks and will be continuing to try and curb my tongue on the court.
I do feel there can be room for some constructive criticism but we just need to find a better and more timely way of delivering that.
Hopefully we will see Jim back on the court before too long where he belongs. High and mighty. Or is it mighty high? The love does generally come out at the post game drinks, where we see to little of Jim these days, so we have to make sure there is enough love exuded on the court so we can all bask in the warmness of each other.
I suggest to get us in the mood that we should start each half with a big group hug. And maybe one at the end of the game as well to hug out any negative feelings.
Love and peace to all Nanna’s wherever you may be.
7-3 loss to dudes in white
RH 1 TW 1 GUIDO 1 JH 1 Mom RH CB
Phil in goal, a couple of lose ones got through but his composure at the back made up for it as well as his tasteful distribution. Guido returned with some silky moves up front, scoring one, setting up another. Chassey was feisty, showing no signs of the dicky knee that has hampered him recently. Jim showed up. Tao arrived late. Cocky didn’t score any goals, but:…
This was Nanna gold, pure and simple. A very strong nannas performance, good goals, hard running, tight in the defense, yet still we lost. What does this mean? When the Nannas go hard, play well, score goals but still lose.
Is it a spiritual problem? Or an emotional one? We have focused so hard on altering our physical game that we’ve left everything else behind.
When did a Nanna last tell another Nanna that he loved him, or needed him, or thought of him? When did a Nanna last hug another Nanna, and hold him, and really get in touch with him?
Easter is nearly upon us, a time of spritual renewal, with Trump winning in America and the weather being so hot and humid here need to think of ourselves. Hug yourself and hua Nanna.
Attendees: DC 1, JH 1 pen. (MOM), RH, TK, TW
Result: Nannas 2 plays Cussi Buttaes 10
Five brave little Nannas showed up on this evening: one was feeling particularly pleased with himself; another was very poorly; two others seemed stuck on the status quo of talking tech; and the last, well, he still has balls of steel.
A couple of their team were late, and the Nannas were feeling pretty good about themselves. This team is young, fast and skilful but we were holding them. In fact, we were doing much better than that; we had the better of the early exchanges and should have been ahead were it not for the two very soft goals we gifted them (by which I mean, one of the Nannas went and placed the ball in front of the opposition who was standing in a one-on-one situation with our keeper).
Cocky scored probably the solo goal of the season. He had three to beat: he went passed one, then another, and then a third, who was initially marking me but then had to deal with the Cock-threat. But Cocky was not to be denied, penetrating their goals with a strike of pure precision.
Yes, their goalie was again proving hard to beat (which makes Cock-wad’s goal just that much the better). As the Captain pointed out after the game, their shot stopper has a way of closing you down, making you try for something special to beat him. However, he did make one mistake by stepping outside his area to field a ball, which gave us spot kick. I duly buried it (even though I totally mis-kicked it).
So by this time, the opposition had their full complement, at least nine, one of whom was extremely gifted and extremely fast. I took to giving him at least a couple of metres space, which worked for a while until he started to find his range with his passing. It was about this time that the Nannas started to run out of legs. Of course, we did give them another one or two soft goals but they were just younger, faster and had a lot more subs, so a lot more fresh too (it should be mentioned here that Tao was playing on about half a body, due to illness in his family).
We toiled hard but couldn’t hold them and they scored about five or six goals in succession in as many minutes.
Kondo: a lot of great saves and fine distribution. Massive balls of steel.
Cocky: solo goal of the season (see above) and some fine defensive work.
Captain: stepped up with true leadership and some fine control in mid-field.
Tao: great stamina and endurance given his health and mostly encouraged the Nannas, which was a welcome change.
Jimbob: a great penalty, even if my foot wasn’t really sure where it was kicking the ball.
The cook is back. On this evening we went for impromptu Laksa and discussed the relative merits of sex with new people after being in a long-term relationship. I think the Captain and Cocky were a bit scared but Gilla would have loved it.
Attendees: DC, CG (MOM), JH (MOM), RH, TK, AW, TW
Result: Nannas 4 plays Dunno 2
My sincere apologies: this match report contains profuse negativity.
I don’t really know what was going on with the Nannas on this evening but they did seem a bit off. Maybe it was because I had just played another game with far friendlier and more capable teammates or our opposition had forfeited and we were playing a scratch match but whatever it was the Nannas were seriously shit and extremely lucky to win the contest.
Maybe this comes as a surprise but search your feelings Nannas and you will know it to be true.
• There is a little bit too much yelling going on. Yes, I know, I am as guilty of this as the next Browner but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST NANNAS, STOP FUCKING YELLING AT EACH OTHER YOU DICKLESS, SHIT FOR BRAINS, TURD SUCKING FUCK-HEADS. FUCKING GROW UP WILL YOU! FUCK!
• There is a bit too much shit play going on. Again, I know I can’t say that I am immune from the odd shit pass or attempted move that is way above my skill level but there are a lot of instances where we just do really, really shit things and for no particular reason either.
• Also, if you get the ball and you’re the last Nanna, and then lose the ball, don’t turn around and start gesticulating at everyone like someone should have been behind you, saving your arse.
However, it was not all total shit; the Nannas, once again, did get over the line.
• Seven Nannas did again turn out for the game, which does seem the magic number for the Nannas to win.
• There were some truly majestic goals for the Nannas on this evening. Gilla is hitting the target a lot more these days—he just needs to work out which ones he is going to kick into the back wall (or the roof) and then reconsider shooting in these instances and pass the thing instead. The Captain is also on form, after a longer hiatus in front of goal than Wayne Rooney.
• If sometimes our attack and control of the ball is shit, then our defence is saving us. We are very tight at the back and our marking is pretty good.
Attendees: CG, JH (hat-trick MOM), TK (1), RH, TW
Result: Nannas 4 plays Dunno 5
And so to another season. God knows how many we have contested now but this one didn’t start out that well if we are going by commitment: Chassy still has a shit knee; Cock Wad arrived late and without any gear, so he Arse Coached; Coach was babysitting; and Andy was dating (or so he said but isn’t he married and shouldn’t any single Nannas get first dibs?). So it was a tight five, with the true Nanna A but I think these days we always need at least six or seven; we have a much better chance that way.
Random thoughts on the game:
• Goal of the season? All I remember was Tao had the ball on the right hand side of the court and I was running down the left. I yelled at Tao, who delivered the perfect ball (I never broke stride). Phil was slightly out of position and if I hit it first time I had a chance. I really don’t remember the contact at all; I just remember seeing the ball flying into the top left hand corner and thinking holy shit that was good goal. Kinda makes up for all those ones that went sailing over the bar.
• Are the Nannas starting to leave a sour taste in the mouth? The Nannas might want to consider how we are starting to look to others. Are we the fun loving dudes we used to be, or just a bunch of old, sore losers who go on with things for far too long (like after the game)? Now, I don’t want to point any fingers but even though Phil did handle outside the box and he was their last man and it should have been a penalty and the little ref missed it there is a time to let it go and say fair dues; you can’t live in the past, you need to snap to.
• Speaking of the little ref, does he hate us real bad? I am starting to think the answer is not real bad but bad enough. You would have to say that a lot of calls go against us, and if something’s fifty-fifty he usually gives the opposition the benefit of the doubt. Maybe this is just paranoia but I do reckon we have hung a bit too much shit on him (see previous point) and he just sees us as a bunch of old, bad sports that deserve to get to get decisions go against them.
• Did Phil let a few in? I had a sneaking suspicion that either Phil was off his game or he let in a few goals in on purpose. It’s hard to tell but I reckon one of mine and one of Takeshi’s may have been a bit soft (sorry Takeshi).
• Nanna aggression is back. Well, I am not sure it ever went away (maybe it was dormant because Tao had been sick) but we did see a few squabbles on court on Thursday and one yellow card if I remember correctly (to them, not us). It’s good to see that the aging Nannas still know how to rise to a challenge and can put a young punk back in his place.
• Cocky sets a new precedent. Yes, Cocky turned up for the game (a little late mind you), he was fit and healthy, and had no excuses. He sat on the sideline and cheered us on. Now, I for one gave him a vote because I thought, good effort, he loves his Nanna brethren, and will see us even if he can’t play. But what was his excuse for not taking to the court I hear you ask? Well, he was going skiing the next week and didn’t want to hurt himself. I am not sure how others read this but I wanted my vote back. And this from Cocky too, the standard bearer for openness and transparency within the Nannas. How the mighty have fallen.