Match Report 20110217

4-3 Victory vs VJFC (Va Jina Football Cunts)

TH (GK-MOM), RH, JH, CB 1, TW 1, AW 1 , James the ring in and Julian (Tao’s French bench assembler), and there was an own goal if you’re counting.

Sugar is sweet, so is honey, mix ’em together and it’s sweeter still. Add some maple syrup, how’s that taste? A bit sweeter. Maybe some golden syrup, mix that in real good, now you’ve made it sweeter. Add some other different sort of sugar, maybe brown sugar or caster sugar or icing sugar, in fact fuck it, put ’em all in and as much as you can get, bags and bags of the shit, you might need a forklift or a dump truck or preferably both, trust me you can’t make it too sweet. Then you’re going to need palm sugar and coconut sugar and any other exotic sugar you can get, blend it in and taste it, it’ll be pretty sweet already, but not sweet enough. Go synthetic, I would recommend sucralose, aspartame, saccharin, glucin, dulcin, neotame, alitame even acesulfame potassium, get as much as you can get and don’t worry about any of that shit causing cancer, that’s not the problem, the problem is it won’t be sweet enough – and it’s not. Add some natural sugar substites, xylitol, pentadin, monellin (you know from serendipity berries), erythritol (good because it’s less likely to produce gastrointestinal distress when consumed in large amounts and we need A LOT of it), glycerol, luo han guo whatever, pour it in, mix it up, dip your pinky in and taste it, gaze meaningfully at about 45 degrees from the horizontal, and go “hmmm, not quite sweet enough”. Get hardcore with the proteins, specifically brazzein and curculin, at over 500x the sweetness of sucrose by weight these little guys are essential for getting it sweet enough…

I could make some elaborate allegorical tale about the nature of the struggle between us and the va jinas, but the internet writes better and has bigger dickheads so let me just say that we are the bitchenest Anonymous hackers and they be knob wallabies extraordinaire HBGary Federal. See here and here.

I hope you enjoyed that little diversion, it was pretty cool the way we ended up owning them like that stupid HBGary va jinas. In real life it was of course Tao being the young lady hacker who social engineered Greg Hoglund and like what the man from Ars Technica said, we didn’t need any super special hacks to get through their defenses, just good exploitation of the holes they did leave. Plus I think we rattled them a bit.

However back to that big pile of sweetness you were making in your mind in the first paragraph. That’s been in the sun for a couple of days, it’s reducing down a bit and through that process getting sweeter. Get some sort of giant cauldron on a flame and reduce reduce reduce, we need to sweeten it some more, it has to be so fucking sweet that every mother fucker in the universe gets diabetes from its very existence alone. Ok get it into a malleable ball about 500mm diameter, take that ball and with your own Nanna mind hands form it into the bludgeoning weapon of your choice, maybe a warhammer or a mace, even a morning star is ok, or a base ball bat or crow bar if you want a more modern vibe. Then put it in your mind kiln or whatever you’ve got in you mind tool forging workshop that can make an ultra sweet mess of mind hand formed weapon as strong as steel. Now I really don’t know how long it will take to harden, it’s your mind tool forging workshop and you’ll have to work that out for yourself. But as soon as it comes out you grab your engraving tool, and somewhere on the end that does the damage you inscribe these words in big letters: SWEET REVENGE. Then you walk up to (in your mind only please)  whichever of those va jina’s sorry excuses for a face pisses you off the most and smack (once again in your mind only please) that bitch down with SWEET REVENGE…

What’s that noise? Don’t you hear it? All the angels in heaven are crying with joy because the awful dreadful horrible curse of The Dirtiest Loss Ever (see here if you don’t know what i’m talking about-AS IF) is lifted. That’s right friends the sun is out and the birds are singing their innocent little arses off with out and out unadulterated glee such is the happiness the world feels when the dirty low act robbery tragedy sushi roll of major pissed offedness, that’s sharpened to a point and stabbed right in your guts and can NEVER be removed, and has to live there all your days long, not being eaten like a normal sushi roll, but fuckingwell eating YOU is removed from your guts by SWEET REVENGE.

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