5-7 v ?, Melbourne Girls’, 9.20pm
CB, DC 4, GF, CG (gk) 1, RH, TH, TK
mom DC

A curious game this one. APISC pulled a late venue change on us with the game shifting to Melbourne Girls College*. A time change also proved an arse for Jim who was forced to get high and catch a train to regional oblivion. Giller on the other hand made the late pull-in, bringing our number to 7. The excitement of the generator bikes in the foyer soon wore off when we realised that there were no spare balls for a warm up, but it was okay for the Reach-around™ as he had worn some tights. A rather soft goal was conceded by the Nannas not long after kickoff but we soon stormed back into the game. Some magical cross court passing lead to the first, followed by a free kick and something of a solo run by the author. Giller was playing some lovely square balls early on but then started to kick them around a little too much for the coach’s liking who, in quite uncustomary form, yelled at the goalie… a lot.. all the way to the side line after the half time whistle blew.. and still kept yelling. Early into the second half we nicked another but were 4-5 down before Giller finally hit the target. the equaliser is always a rejuvenating force but by this stage the nannas were getting tired and the defence was beginning to gape. The man in tights was really starting to sweat, the captain was taking some wild punts, the coach was yelling ‘Fraser’ and pointing a lot, it was heading south fast and we shipped two more before the final whistle… ah well. Unusually, yet luckily for the author, his 4 goal haul was enough to pip Giller by a single vote. Then Chassy of the Triple Crown® took us to some crazy Shanghai genre mashup inspired diner disco in the arse end of Little Collins. Bong Mist was there which made it seem cooler than perhaps it was. We drank beer (except the coach who had tap water (which according to Guy is still technically mineral water)), talked about movies (Guy was there), Rhian gave props to the new museological show at acmi (well actually that was in the car on the drive to Melbourne Girls’), I tried to convince Tom that it is actually spelled reamde and isn’t just a design thing, we ate some chips and calamari and completely forgot to discuss the style guide for the blog, which was annoying.

* it was noted that a nanna progeny may be attending said institution to receive her secondary education

3-4 vs V J F.C @ Wesley
DC[2,mom], CB, RH[gk 0.75 of 2nd half], TW[1], AW[gk 0.25 of 2nd half], Phil [1st half only, GK]

Nearing the end of July and I think this was only the author’s 4th game on court for the year! Ass coaching is all well and good (I was actually surprised at how receptive to a bit of ass coaching the Nannas are) but nothing beats being on the court of battle itself. Damn it is good. Winning is even better but just playing is at least 93% of the good times, and that’s not even counting the GHBG™ or even playing well. Actually maybe that’s a bit lower… In numerous studies the GHBG has been shown to improve situations by at least 10-15%. Feeling as though one has played to the best of ones abilities must be around 10% and let’s say winning is another 10% that leaves 65-70% good times just being on the court… and I was feeling it!

As to how things played out… well, we should have had them. We started the game sans all 3 experienced goalies which meant Phil started in goal. He was doing a sterling job but relinquished the role at half time due to an apparent conflict of interest ? The captain (4th string) stepped in and also did pretty well before stepping aside for the Walmartin to finish off unbeaten. Chassy operating on a dubious ankle managed to have his big toe broken early into the piece. An early penalty was very generously offered to the the author by the Captain, who had forgotten how freaking stressful they are, he aimed to slot it into the bottom right instead kicking it straight down the middle, where the goalie had thankfully moved. We had a few more chances. The author ran into a lot of dead ends, The opposition fumbled in a couple of ugly ones, and that was that. almost.

Then Tao took as to Long Play. We had crumbed cutlets, rib-eye on cauliflower and fennel, white anchovies and some true school mushroom gnocchi. Everyone else drank overpriced imported beers with nice labels but It’s The Winter of the Dark Beer® so I tried the Coopers Stout which was largely underwhelming. The fruity White Rabbit Dark Ale definitely has more to offer… unfortunately for Tao Chassy believed me when I said the steaks cost twice as much as they did. The beers were pretty expensive and the ratio appalling but it was overall a very enjoyable experience and I should definitely have given Tao a 5 instead of the 4 I did, Sorry Tao. You should have done Andy’s post vote spruik pre !

It should also be noted that 5 Nannas in one car drove. The captains bar is beyond compare !

It should also be noted that in the flurry this week: “Of all the questions the Nannas have faced, despite its apparently innocuous veneer, is this the most deeply profound and philosophically perplexing?”… stay tuned.

no stats available apart from DC(4,mom)

well yes, it is with some degree of shame and embarrassment that I write this report almost three weeks late. The small matter of an extended south pacific sojourn coupled with patchy internet access and a liberal view of the posting rules is wholly to blame (the disrespecting of the flurry is another matter entirely, the blame for that lays solely at the feet of the authors flaky webmail server, well most of it, that and the super dodgy telcos operating in the relative third world nations of Aotearoa New Zealand and the Republic of Fiji Islands (and the Piña Coladas)).

Anyway, enough fleshing out of match reports with extended excuses. The game itself was pretty good as I recall. We won the first half big time and only lost the second half by a bit, leading to a net result of the Nannas™ up something like 7-4 (maybe 7-5) at the final whistle. The only thing that really stands out from the match in my post plural Piña Colada memory is the early contender for GOS (goal of the season). Giller, reading a run from the author, throws the perfect long ball towards the right corner. Arcing over the authors left shoulder the ball drops invitingly for the half volley. With acres of space the sensible thing would have been to try and control the ball and get closer but fvck it, why not have a whack. By pure fluke the strike is as sweet as the proverbial nut leaving the goalie rooted to the ground as the back of the net billows… Tight is Right®

from the depths it came.

erm… I have not had much sleep this week and the most extreme cortisol levels that is a miracle i even remember playing. As such i can’t remember the team or the score. I do remember that i played a whole lot better than the week before when i played like shit, well apart from the copious assists Jim so generously mentioned in the previous report. To return the favour i would note that Jim was hitting some of the sweetest sounding shots in a long time. You know, when you can just hear how sweetly the ball has been struck, something to do with physics and the massive real-time acoustic modelling being done in the brain, unfortunately someone seemed to get in the way every time and those sweetly struck balls would simply not go in. Finally Tao laid off a sitter for Jim to tap in… Erm what else … Shit, I really can’t remember much. the art Fair opened last night and my nervous system only narrowly escaped a full collapse leading up to it. I seem to recall Kondo and Andy Wong were on fire… the cross court passing was all over that shit… The Coach punched one in from the left with a ferocity that belied his signature languid style… … … yes… I better get ready now. Last game before the man weekend.

time stamps: esme turns one, art fair 2010 opens, gillard slumping in the polls, rudd speaks, rhian updates the mom voter, tao refuses to eat oysters, hollywood evaporates…

MAN WEEKEND HERE WE COME !!!!!!!

4-4, v ?
AW, CG(g), TH, TW(1), DC(3,m), CB, JH, RH

I think Tao summed it up perfectly, they deserved to win, but we definitely deserved to draw !

The game started off with a radical reformation of the 9 man sub system by the Coach that was very nearly scuppered by the late Arrival of Andy and Issy. Tao scored the first with a nicely angled shot, I’m a bit hazy on where their goals came in the chronology but lets cut to the 3-1 score that wasn’t in out favour, but we fought and somehow clawed it back to 3-3. With about 4 mins to go they got a soft one which after all the hard graft to equalise was a real knife in the guts. Then with seconds to spare we won a corner. tao stepped up to take it, Tom was yelling at the author to “get in there, cocky”, but he was timing his run, Tao looked set, the author took off thinking it’s never going to happen, but the opposition came off their lines and a corridor just opened up, Tao slotted it perfectly across goal where it was met by a Nanna boot… Equaliser ! so good.

Then Wal took us to Gigi Baba via the Grace Darling (where they were playing the Stone Roses) for one of the finest after match meals the Nannas have had to date. so good.

2-3 v Esperanza
DC(2,m), CB (m), TH, RH, JH, AW, TK

Was a while back now and my memory isn’t helping much. it was the B semifinal so not much to play for except pride, but the Nannas™ have more than enough pride being King Lion and all, and obviously the King must have eaten earlier as there wasn’t much hunger see MR 091210 for more on that theme.

Erm… here’s how Jim summised the game, taken from an email;
“We came in a gallant second last night. 3-2. Cocky got two superb goals and Chas was supreme in d, being justly deserved MOM winners.We were plucky, we were brave, but they got us the end. Dolph was big.”

The Captain cooked and we went to Thy Thy 1 for dinner which was very good.

suspected suicide bomber sighted on the grounds of Wesley College.

2-1 v ?
DC(1,mom), CG(1,gk), RH(c), CB, TH, AW, TW, JH,

erm… well yes. I guess a lot can be said for second best votes when there’s a few nannas voting. Thank you my brown brothers.
Overall the game was pretty average really. personally I felt we should have beaten these guys by about 6 goals but I was mocked for this view so perhaps not. Chassie was back which added pace and commitment to the nannas game, as well as a quadruple Code Violation™, the first for a red card after assaulting* the opposition goalie. Speaking of goalies, Giller scored another and now has the strikers trophy firmly in sight, but as such has increased his shots-on-goal:passes-out ratio by several orders of magnitude, ironically (or not) this didn’t have much effect on the game because a) half the shots weren’t on target and b) the forwards were so crap they didn’t do anything with the passes they did get. The only other goal came from the authors back, style, not ! The coaching was very fine from the Captain, who shall hopefully be returning to active duty this week. Wal’s positional play as always was spot on, Jim had a couple of fine cracks, Thomas was everywhere and Tao laid off a couple of tasteful and uncommonly early passes.

but more importantly, chassis took us to a pub that was closed, left the car door open and then spilled 2 beers and a soft drink in gillers lap.

but even more importantly,

20 July 2000

the very first day of brown pride has been finally and unequivocally established. Through the use of email searching, whale sperm and oxide of manganese the official date of the Nannas first ever game has been once and for all set in stone.

jesus, I almost forgot about vajazzling…c/o the beChassler

jim“I am dying to look at this but can I do it at work?”
tao “Sure you can. I did. I’m just cleaning up my desk now. You don’t want to work there any way Jim.”
andy “Make a small fire in the bin. Fire alarm sets off. Everyone evacuates. Jim goes on-line.”
tom “but for the Nannas night out I think we need scrotinseling”
chas “the bling minge, first cousin to the blanc mange!”

and as a date stamp I give you this, also from chassis… turn up speakers before pressing play. Also note chassies shirt in the team photo below.

1-2 v Esperanza
CB, DC(1,mom), CG(gk) JH, RH, TH, AW, TW, TK(coach)

It wasn’t my first thought but I did consider doing a hack job of sticking some nannas faces onto the morbidly obese (but happy) young ladies above. I decided not to for a couple of reasons. a) there were only four ladies and it would be mean to single out individual nannas, I suppose I could have made two headed nanna lady monsters… b) I didn’t really have time.

anyway, the reason I have included the figure above is to illustrate what I felt was the main failing of the nannas on this glorious night. The first Grand Final the nannas have seen in a long time saw a team that was simply not hungry enough. I was going to put another image here of a terrifyingly scrawny girl to illustrate the hunger of the opposition but it was too disturbing. Anyway, suffice it to say that they wanted it more. The nannas had some moves, some passing, a few saves, a few shots, but they didn’t have the fire, the drive, the were living just a little too large.

and if you don’t watch it this is what happens when you live too large…

3-4 v (insert opposition team name here)
CB, DC(3,M), CG(gk) JH, RH, TH(ch), TK, TW, AW

we may have lost in the dying seconds but it was a fine game played by the nannas this eve. Andy and Takeshi were vying for my mom votes early on with some fine positioning and delicate footwork, Wal taking full kudos for going a couple of 50/50 balls with Dolf Lundgren. Chassy and Tao put in some meticulous passing, but for me, the captain’s fancy pants foot skills on a couple of occasions were the icing on the cake. Sometimes those cute moves really don’t come off (especially in front of our goal) but tonight the chi was flowing and the magic was happening, the cute was gold. As to the goals, they scored a couple of softies, and one other which I can’t remember. 3-1 down the nannas clawed it back only to have a draw snatched from their grasp, ironically, by a patented nanna set piece, the glancing header from the long ball. bugger.

from there it was straight to the Jam Factory for some of the special good times only delivered by Brassy Mr Springy™. And from there it was straight into the depths of Roland Emerich disaster blockbuster 2012. Having long been an avid disseminator of the 2012 prophecy I was pretty into the perfectly choreographed cataclysmic CGI mayhem… and given how high i was at the start I was even finding some of dialogue ‘interesting’. Then, as is the way with all such movies, the CGI balloon burst and we fell crashing back to shit fest island… ah well, chassy has promised some inaccessible french art house full of self destructive high breasted brunettes the next time he cooks… yay!

5-5 v Boomin Back Atcha
DC m 2, CB 1, TW 1, JH 1, AW m, TH, CG gk, TK

They don’t drive cars, they don’t drink and they have those really creepy beards without mustaches. But the weirdest thing about the Amish is their belief that pride is evil. Hence why their kids leave school at fourteen to work in factories and hence why some of those same kids get the hell out and start dealing meth with the local pickup driving godless heathens. Strange as it may seem there are in fact similarities between the Amish and the Nannas – a bond of Brotherhood, strange beards, barely closeted innuendo and some hard living times spent sleeping on the floor in Hastings. But there is one place where these two communities of like minded souls do not meet and that place has a name. It’s the name that King Lion uses when he’s talking about his Lion King family. It’s also a name closely associated with the gay movement but we’ll leave that alone for now. Pride. That’s what I’m talking about, and not in an Obama “go to the polls” kind of way, I’m talking about the pride in seeing a group of individual units come together to form a complex emergent system that is greater than the sum of it’s constituent elements. Pride in seeing your brother Nanna giving his utmost for the team, running till it hurts, sweating till it feels like something is going to pop in his head, shoving the opposition until he gets a yellow card, yelling at the ref until he starts awarding penalties to the other team, but most of all pride in seeing your brother nanna yelling at his team mates mid game… what a minute… ahhh… that’s not quite where this tale was meant to be headed…

So, 5 a piece. The Nannas were all over them at half time, but some how they came back, Jim the Amish barn raiser had a clear goal disallowed because the ref is technically blind. Tom yelled at the ref from the corner (but not at his fellow nannas), Chassy slotted in a superb ground hugger (jim take note) after a rapid fire 1-2 from the sideline (but he did keep tryong to tack the ball of his own team mates). Speaking of which, Jim took a free kick just as I was lining it up (which really pissed me off), though I was glad to hear that he wasn’t subbing as i had first thought. I miscued a shot early on and shinned the ball but somehow their goalie fumbled it in. Giller made some magnificent saves, some predictably crap kicks into the roof (ouch!) and one tasteful throw that hit me in the back of the head and bounced in. Kondo’s positioning was perfect for a Walmartin Backdoor™ but the goalie got just enough to it. Tao put in an extremely solid display, hustling, shooting and yelling. Wal also put in a MOM worthy display. Jim was shit.

The other big news for the night was the birthday celebs for Lord Chassy, first Earl of Martindale, takin’ it northside to the little creatures ‘gay beer’ hall. Mussels, shanks, not so little pilseners, waitresses with love beads. Then ditching the softcocks (kudos to the funky nanna) we touched it and went to the black cat for panty stains and some bespoke dubstep phatness. Pert passersby pressing themselves against the glass and mouthing sweet obscenities at chassy for his birthday, Walmartin talking up the benefits of ‘the ratio’. A gentlemanly lift in the funkswick falcon to the sunroom® (think viper room) followed by more beats, a cleansing pale ale or two (well actually just one), a similarly abstemious attitude towards the lords good herb and an in depth analysis of the VCI-300.

tidy.

ps.  I may have got the goals wrong
pps. here’s a fun game fro the comments – match the Nanna to his Amish brother
ppps. from frasay “If Andy and Chazzy had a love child, he’d look like this guy.”

Hartley, who faced 32 charges of fraud, used a number of aliases including Anthony Edward Hartley, Gregory Mulligan and Tony Lorenzo, Detective Felicity Mansell of Feilding police said.

all the necceasaries have been covered by more onto it, better looking and more dedicated members of the nanna bretheren who truly do the name MOM proud. Now mock freely.

11-4 vs New Holland
TH, CG (gk), AW(1, mom), CB, RH, DC(3, mom), TW, JH

Quite possibly the most supporters ever seen at a nannas match. Admittedly all but one were blood relations of a team member but it was still an impressive turn out. I think perhaps Ivy Hinkleys first game? and three generations of browns in the house, not to mention three iterations of crooks ransom confusion.

But of the match, well we were pretty soundly outplayed for most of it. That’s not to say we played badly but the other team definitely had some moves, damn their eyes. Our opening goal came via a sweet through ball from the middle generation brown which old man crooker managed to toe poke across the face of the goal. The second was a trademark Walmartin backdoor special into the roof of the net. Jim was stumbling around like some kind of soccer somnambulist. The coach made a great one two run but double footed himself in front of goal. Wal managed to raise the ire of one of the new dutch cockney douche nozzles (double code bonus) and Tao of course had to get in there and start throwing his weight around (code bonus and violation negating each other). Rhian must have been doing something as must Giller (apart from letting in goals and kicking balls at the roof) but I can’t really remember, or perhaps they were trying to recruit more nannas for their little ‘camping’ holiday on the last Thursday of the season ???!!!&*^%*&^%…  anyway I’ll just finish up with the dead sitter I missed followed by the two headers that I got !? miraculous (and kudos to Giller where kudos is due, even if he is going camping with the “anal explorer”*)

and, dammit, no team photo taken with all the kids, I mean supporters…

* ask the coach

5-8 vs ?
CB2, DC2m, JH1, THgk, AW

A tight five squad of nannas hit the court, the coaches fighting words of the previous report still ringing in their ears. A hunger unseen the previous week was in their bellies and in their feet but something else was missing. Perhaps it was Jim’s focus, having given that precious commodity to the green flat-mate before the game. Perhaps it was Tao. Perhaps it was Cora’s middle name. Perhaps it was the good idea that might rescue my show. Hell, maybe it was the Force, that mysterious energy which binds together all the merchandisable objects at skywalker ranch.
Who knows?
Andy drove halfway to Northcote before being forced back by the traffic.
I ate some milkybar.
Chassy prepared to be divided into 5 for a major Telco.
The Captain prepared to operate the hit show of the Melbourne Festival.
Gilly prepared a special wilting solution for his penis.
who knows ?
the cantankerous lung butter certainly had no idea of the impact it would have on Jims occular vascularity.
but enough speculation, enough short selling, let’s talk actualities, lets talk government guaranteed deposits in the back of the net.
a couple from chassy – returning to form. one from Jim that was verbally helped across the line by the coach/keeper, 2 from the author, one of which was a tap-in after a perfectly timed and sweetly weighted layoff from the walmartin. which again puts me in the mind of mooting the addition of some kind of ‘pass of the match’ gong… I’ll leave the logistics of that little chestnut with upper nannagment.
who knows ?
a half kilo of beef at the windsor, jim saying ‘get fucked’ upon hearing Issy and Cora’s surname whilst constantly reminding the diners of his elevated mental state.
beer.

3-4 The Annual
DC2m TH1m CB JH CGgk

there’s not much to add to the coach’s eloquent appraisal of the game.
they wanted it more and we played like crap (and chewing gum).
it was actually quite like how I imagine it is for teams with more skills playing a fired up nannas side, complete with a stuperboot ricochet and the captain’s patented glancing header. the coach did get a sweet stuperchip though….

6-2 vs Dirty Waffles (or was it 6-4?)
JH(gk), TW(2), AW, RH, DC(4)
MOM = threeway = dc + 2? (no gearstick ripping or sheepskin back of the calf* brushing involved)

Dirty Waffles ?, is that the scatological equivalent of a soggy biscuit ?

Anyway, the flurry yet again revealed a lack of commitment from various sections of the nanna brotherhood. I won’t go into it further but let’s just say that some nannas need to take a long hard look at themselves (Jim, I don’t mean it like that). But one Nanna with full commitment was Tao, rising from his hospice bed to cough and yell for the full 36 minutes demanded of a tight five. He even managed to slide a couple into the back of net. Jim “the gear stick” Hannon is also deserving of the highest kudos for stepping into goals. With legs of steel, impeccable timing off the line and some fine distribution Jim’s skills belied his 5th string rating. Our defense was mainly solid with only a couple of slip-ups but the midfield was where it was all happening. At points the passing cross court was woeful but generally there was some of the tightest ball movement seen in a while, one-twos, back to the goalie and opening up down the flanks, slicing open the defense through the middle. Up front a couple of finishes were decidedly poor but a couple were struck pretty sweetly too. The opposition had some ball skills but they didn’t really have the hunger and it has to be said that we would have been pretty crap to have lost.

cut to the Windsor and there has been a change of menu, the ribeye now comes with a ‘jus’ and no mash. The portabellos were pretty tight but it required the insight of the nannas resident life coach Andy wong to realise that chips were also required. Interestingly enough I was surprised to see that when the chips arrived Andy went for the ‘spray sauce all over the top of the chips’ technique. I have always favoured the ‘dipping’ model, arguing that this keeps the chips crisp and you don’t end up with that gluggy mess at the end. But bowing to Andys superior understanding of the natural order I expect there is something I’m missing, or perhaps there is some witty link back to gluggy mess/soggy biscuit/dirty waffle at the beginning of the report – thomas ?

ok lastly on a more chronologically fixed note. After nearly two years of avidly consumed rumours and hearsay, the Canon 5DII has finally been announced, looks like the mingin’ shit and even shoots 1080p but the HDMi out would appear to have overlays (soggy shitcakes) but it only gets crazier, Jim Jannard has announced that the specs for scarlett have totally changed, same price, same delivery date but heaps better ?! I need it so bad.

• as of going to print no member of the Nannas yet has an iPhone
• Obama is back in the lead
• the global financial crisis deepens as the US federal bailout is meet with market skepticism
• damian hirst has a ‘primary’ auction and sells £170m worth of ‘meaningless’ art on the same day Lehman Bros folds
• the liberals no longer have a wombat as leader
• david foster wallace Dies at 46
• david rosetzky exhibits the first work of australian video art shot on red
• chassy says ‘fvck ads’
• thomas goes to yet another primavera opening
• otis, elliot and lucien all attend tennis training camp for the school holidays
• the mighty gunners go top of the table
• 30 Rock is very funny (even have discussion with random stranger about how great Alec Baldwin is)
• art angst reigns as the supreme bringer of bad times in the life of the author
• daughters smiling and practicing mongolian throating singing is the bringer of the good times
• 2GBs + 4 off-peak really doesn’t cut it when you don’t have supplemental governmental access
• putting 70GB uncompressed files from a MAC onto a PC formatted disk proves pretty much impossible

ok that will probably do