Category Archives: Uncategorized

MATCH REPORT 090827

September 2, 2009Uncategorizedkondo

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August 25, 2009Uncategorizedcaptain

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Do you like it – oh yes you do – you really like it
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this and dirty words like mud

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MATCH REPORT 090813

August 19, 2009Uncategorizedthefunkynanna

NANNAS VERSUS LAS CHIVAS (SEMI FINAL)

0 – 11

CG (MOM), TK, RH, AW, JH, DAN (RING IN)

The day the Nannas got a ring in for the finals. And we rightfully got slapped. This was perhaps a YELLOW point in the Nannas history. I know we are breeding and getting old and all that. BUT……

People tried to say that we played better than the 10 – 0 loss…interesting concept. Admittedly Las Chivas are pretty good, so lets just say that we held them to 11 goals. Jim at least tried to get into their heads (not beds) with some heavy pschological work, and the dude just replied with several very hard goals. Nice try Jimbob.

Thanks to Dan for being the man, those who weren’t brown enough for the gig must look at themselves in the mirror – day after day……If your excuse was cool, then cool…

The food after was Jim’s call and we flipped westside for some Ethiopian…it helped with the pain of rejection and disability.

MATCH REPORT 090730

August 9, 2009Uncategorizedthefunkynanna

10 – 0 Loss to LAS CHIVAS

DC RH(MOM) JH(MOM) TW CG(MOM) TH(MOM) AW

It really was not pretty, no aspect of the game was good. The nannas were pretty bad. Everyone played like those Las Chivas fools wanted us to. Come this week when we employ the GUY FRASER emotional reacharound!!

We will be squeezing their oranges and making enough juice to swim to the winners podium. Las Chivas will have to change their name to Las Chicas after we finish with them!!

Start growing some respect men, it is only four days away! Time to shine!

The night did get better, at perhaps the true club house of the nannas “Supper Inn”. Every single time, those kids make the same goodness, so dependibly, so porkily!

ReSPect

The Season that Was: April 2009 thru August 2009

August 9, 2009The Season that Was, Uncategorizedcoach

The God’s smile upon us and send us to the finals because of the forfeits.

Match Report 090730

August 5, 2009Uncategorizedcaptain

DC RH(MOM) JH(MOM) TW CG TH(MOM) AW

It is a little known proverb amongst the wisest amongst us that states.

“When facing a steam-roller it can be best to lie down and get flattened”

The Nannas took this proverb and ran with it – almost to a man. It is possible that the coach didn’t know we were playing to this game plan as his post match spray left a lasting impression on our already flattened forms. We left the court somewhat like a series of brass rubbings – paper thin with the marks of those who have been before.

We didn’t go without chances – the return of big Chros Gill in goal did lead to some header possibilities but unfortunately the striking head was always misdirected. Thomas was strong as ever in defence, saving just enough energy spray his fellow Nannas with expletives post-match. They, in my opinion were the only highlights of a lack-lustre display. Leaving us in need of a big win at the last hurdle.

Match Report 090730

August 5, 2009Uncategorizedcoach

10 – 0 Loss to Las Chivas

DC(MOM?), CG(MOM), JH(MOM?), RH(MOM), TH(MOM), TW(MOM?), AW(MOM?)

More Moms than the first day of primary school.

Old King Lion thought he was doing ok until he came up against Green mutherfuken Beret Robot Lion from Delta Force who’s sucked down that mother fucken much Gorilla Juice he’s got pubes growing out his forehead. Seriously have you seen this lion – mother fucker has chainsaws for hands and JATO units on his nutsack, all amped up with NO2 extrusion shit and adamantite skeleton wolverine style. Polyweave carbonfibre outershell so he’s light, the strength of ten orang utans and depleted uranium all coming out his kajutsi. Fucken thing has the Eye of Sauron, the Grim Reaper’s Scythe all slaying cunts and every second hair has cardiotoxic irukandji venom oozing out it that fucks you where you breathe. This hell forsaken death bot is controlled by a network of supercomputers, that can outplay all the world’s chess grandmasters simultaneously and he wears a necklace made from the sun dried testicles of his defeated opponents that he has gnawed out of their still living groin and used their ballskin as a napkin to wipe the nut juice out from the corner of his mouth. This dealer of death, this slayer of worlds, this harbinger of hades, this maker of of the worst kinds of heinous mutalitory barbarism, this soulless killing machine with the taste for blood and the a-grade boner in his pants to prove it was up against a white rabbit bunny baby wearing just the cutest wee pink vest with sequined highlights and a trail of rabbit piss running down its little leg.

Match Report 090723

July 30, 2009Uncategorizedcoach

4-1 Victorious over The Annual

CB(2 goals, MOM), DC (1 goal), RH(1 goal), TH(MOM), TK(GK), AW

FIRST: SOME (below par) VERSE
Old King Lion’s coat tattered and torn
Punky young buck lions laughing at his form
Stalks the Nike store and other outlets all over town
Seven years later the gods deliver sweet sweet brown…

SECOND: THE ANATOMY OF OLD KING LION (in alphabetical order)
Brown: For he is the Old King Lion’s REAR HAUNCHES – Strong and svelte. The speed. Delivering the fleetness and the movement and the grace coupled with the power and the force and the impact. Defining the “Strength of no Strength” just like Bruce Lee’s one inch punch.

Crooks: For he is the Old King Lion’s BITE – A mighty maw. Fearsome in its striking power. Row after row of gleaming razor sharp incisors ready to cut you apart in more ways than surgeon’s got stiches. The doer of damage.

Gill: For he is the Old King Lion’s ROAR – A force so powerful it cannot exist physically. Having all the intangibility of the uncertainty principle and a decibel piercing bellow enough to stop a wildebeest in its track. It smells like a goalie’s shin pad and is Old King Lion’s superego.

Hannan: For he is the Old King Lion’s LEFT FRONT LEG & PAW. The most powerful of limbs. The strike of total domination. The don’t argue of absolute authority. The stiff backed salute of maximum respect.

Hinkley: For he is the Old King Lion’s HEART – Bringing courage, leadership, trueness of spirit. Coursing through all the components it can inhabit and enhance any one of them. When the heart is strong Old King Lion cannot be defeated.

Howie: For he is the Old King Lion’s BRAIN – Thinking on the course ofÂ stratagems, knowing the day. Like Turing’s Colossus with insufficient punch cards it strives to make sense of the tactics, and control the mighty power of the Old King Lion’s components.

Kondo: For he is the Old King Lion’s STOMACH – Of steel. It will notÂ yield, it cannot be damaged, it knows no fear, it’s relentless persistence will never give in. It protects most vital assets. Within it resides the Chi. You cannot get past it with axes or bash hammers. It stands fast.

Weis: For he is the Old King Lion’s TESTICLES – Of fire. Purple and engorged. Do not get them angry, they will explode and drive the Old King Lion into hyper-drive like a warp core gone critical. Uncontrollable like a roomful of teenagers on red-bull, from them comes potency.

Wong: For he is the Old King Lion’s TAIL – It provides the balance – the yin to the bite of the yang. Though it looks playful enough to flirt with a Savanah Sparrow beware it slinking ’round your back door lest it rise up and slap you down.

Like a manga from the 70s all the component constituents of the Old King Lion come together to form OLD KING LION a powerful old lion king. Half Lion, half mecha-lion, half Nanna.

THIRD: WE TALK OF JUDDY (or Dane Swan if you can’t bring yourself to talk of a Carlton player)
The great players will lift when required and impose themselves on a game. They will control it and affect the outcome. While skill plays a part, it is mostly a mental attitude. The ability to impose your will upon a game and influence the outcome will make you great.

FOURTH: THE GAME NOW PAST JUST BEFORE
I can’t really remember what happened except at the start of the game Rhian said “we gotta win this one”, and I looked at my bag of new tops and said “we’ll win” and from that moment on it was never in doubt. Then a very select four went to Movida Next Door and eat tapas and drank Basque beer and talked of iphone applications and episodes of tv shows, and I rate it very highly on the dining out experiences.

team photo 090723

July 29, 2009Uncategorizedstriker

Much like the Musically Nominated Interim Captain the Nannasâ„¢ are As Yet Still Unbeaten in their new strip*. Full kudos to teh Coach – Thomas ‘Adama’ Howie – for his ceaseless vigilence in the Nike factory shop.

* currently un-numberd shirts only

Belated Beach Box Report #1

July 28, 2009Uncategorizedwalmartin

All Victorian nannas in attendance.

What a night. Iâ€™m glad we only do that once a year because it took a week to recover. Seriously. After an impromptu date change we actually got all 9 nannas in a beach box. mid winter. I started with 9 layers (1 tee, 1 thermal, 6 wool jumpers, 1 hoodie) and ended up in just in a t-shirt. The music was totally rocking. The brothers all real and warm. Absynth. Charlie. Tequila. Gimlets. Oh the gimlets.

The night was too big. This report simply focuses on The Lessons. A new component of the beach box. Each nanna had to â€˜make like the maestroâ€™ and teach the others something. Anything. The numbers game determined the following sequence, interlaced between poker and the smell of a bumper crop.

My very blurry memory of The Lessons:

Lesson 1: the spoon by Weis.
A real hands on lesson, tao even brought power tools. He had kindly preflattened the spoons. We just had to design a layout for the hole cut-outs. then drill. Then file off the rough edges. Then we poured absinthe over the sugar cube, drained through the colander spoon. Things began warming up.

Lesson 2: tablesoccer by Kondo
This started looking real scary when takeshi racked up a line of tequila shots. We cleared the table of Gimlets and split into two teams. Takeshi showed us how to play soccer with just 3 coins dribbling through the other pair. There was a generous amount of drinking. It appeared that when you scored a goal the other team had to scull the tequila. The night was already getting confusing.

Lesson 3: moon dumplings by The Captain
We wiped sand and spilt tequila off the table and hinkley pulled out a can of mussels. Also some little dough wraps. He taught us the art of the moon dumpling. By pinching and overlapping the wrap a crescent shape was formed. We placed them to the side with the intention of frying them up for breakfast. Very hands on. Lucky the Health Dept didnâ€™t raid the box that night.

Lesson 4: grammar by Hannan
Another corker. It started off with jim passing around a note reading â€œchasâ€. I was hoping he was going to finally go the tongue, but it was all a dummy. It turned into a grammer lesson. I thought it was going nowhere, like the time jim didnâ€™t know which bar to take us to. But it all suddenly warmed up, where I was taken into an upper plateau of grammar. Where does that possessive apostrophy go?â€¦ Chasâ€™s ball. The nannasâ€™ balls. Boys ware department. I was struggling now.

Lesson 5(a): north point by Cocky
Another gem. The night was really warming up. Face the hour hand to the sun. then half way between the hour hand and the twelve is north. Simple. Never in all my years at cubs had I been taught such a life-saving lesson. Although all very convincing at night-time cocky. Hours later cocky realised that he had totally fucked up with the hour hand, the half-way, the north point. We were all lost.

5(b) Then cocky started banging on about 1â€™s and 0â€™s. I think he lost everyone except poor Hinkley who cocky had cornered against the wall. Companion 0â€™s. the pair. Another 1. 11 00 1 0001 00001 0000

Lesson 6: hangin five with Wal
We all popped outside the box for a site-specific lesson. The swell at Mt Eliza was uncharacteristically small, so we all drew a surfboard on the sand. Then wal taught the nannas how to catch a wave, paddling, push-up manoeuvre to feet, stand, walk to the front of the board. hang five. The lesson itself good to show Swedish backpackers at Bondi.

Lesson 7: Iâ€™ll get back to you by Gill
And Iâ€™m still waiting. I was hoping it was going to be some MJ tribute move, grabbing the crotch and some awwwwing. Cause I know heâ€™s got it. he just couldn’t move by this point in the evening.

Lesson 8: French insulting by Monsieur Chas
The night was now by now in full swing. Iâ€™m guessing it was about 2am? Chas had already stripped off nude and gone for a swim. Chas was standing on the table in tights. Almost indecipherable with his thick French accent. Killer. Wet my pants. A lot of falling about. We actually learnt a french phrase to chant at our opposition,Â coupled with a fist gesture.Â Chas passed out soon after.

Lesson 9: bottle opener by The Coach
The beach box was by now levitating. Chas was asleep on the floor. Itâ€™s all about leverage. Thomas grabbed a plastic bottle and somehow ? with brute force and this thing called leverage, he popped the top of a beer bottle. A wonderfully simple, yet life essential lesson.

The night wasÂ too much fun.Â almost excessive. The Lessons were just one small component of a much bigger and finelyÂ orchestrated night that is Beach Box. Muchos Respectos to all.
Â

I came out $8.25 up.

Match Report 090716

July 22, 2009Uncategorizedkondo

vs D W S Fc
4-6 loss
DC 2, JH 1, RH, TW,Â TK 1 (GK MOM)

The tight five. What has happened after the annual poker night? Are you there?

Where is your anger? where is your focus? Where is your commitment? The victory needs all of your dedications. This night was again sweet and bitter. The night was originally organised asÂ limited nannas special dinner out by the striker. Did the limitation break your heart? NOoooo. Nannas will 100% take care all of us as an unit in any circumstance. whoever gets a table, he gets a table for all of us.Â I trust that Nannas never ever waste the other Nanna’s ammunitions. (except Poker nights)Â It is very clear. I am sure that it will come with great unexpected deals plus the taste of victory in next time. We can not get the taste of the victory without your attendance. OK now I am back to the game report .

I think that the opponent is new face. They are fast and strong. The style of the players reminds me our style bit… The difference was that we have better firepower. Well why did we loose? That was the mystery.Â The game started from a loss of the goal again. We had good comeback at the first half.Â I scored first goal from my goalie throwing. Tao was running amazing tight even he had cold. Very sharp pass from Jim to Dan and his solid goal. then magic long range goal of Jim. We did well and score was 3-3 at the middle.

We had a lot of great cross passes to the sweet spots (just in front of the goal). We had a lot of shots. Captain’s heading shot was only 2inch away from the goal.Â Ah It was a good close game. All of us tried to grub the winning. So tight and focused. We were almost there.

Anyway, I have a big announcement for this night. I have got the first MOM from the new MOM voter! Have you seen that? You will see that soon. A massive respect for our Captain.
It is an extraordinary art piece.

Match Report 090716

July 22, 2009Uncategorizedkondo

vs D W S Fc
4-6 loss
DC 2, JH 1, RH, TW,Â TK 1 (GK MOM)

The tight five. What has happened after the annual poker night? Are you there?

Match Report 090702

July 8, 2009Uncategorizedkondo

vs
3-3 draw toÂ Vagabundos Da Praia
CB, DC 1, JH 1, RH, TH, AW, TW1, TK (GK MOM)

This draw was tough.

The night started good happy vibe. All Nannas came up with the smiley face “What could happen in this week end? Well, anything could happen! “. It was for the coming up Nannas annual poker event and the glory. The 8 attendance were very organised and willing to this game and the game at the weekend.

The game started from a loss of the goal. Even the opponent was leading a score entire game, we were playing in the front and giving a lot of shots.Â We had quite few great cross passes, good long kicks and bad long kicks.Â The night seemedÂ all player were not managing their positions well so that we call it sloppy 8. I think that we will need to fix the position better when we have the sloppy 8 next time. Even tho we were chasing the score up, we played in the front and middle well and there were greatest moments in the game. The long rangeÂ kicker JH had the sharp sidewinder goal in the first half. Then we came tight again at the last half.Â The striker DC scored a solid goal to lift us up. Then TW kicked beautiful goal from theÂ distance around last 1-2min.

I felt so good when we got the last goal to be draw but the feeling after the game was bitter and sour. I will read C.O.D.E and you will read the C.O.D.E. I know we could have another winning goal in last 15 sec like the game in mid May. We should remember the game we played against them.

Ps. We had nice hot chips and beer at Argy Bargy in Balaclava with smooth tunes from Mr Gilla. All we discussed was coming up poker night.Â Bitter and sweet …

Match Report 090618

June 25, 2009Uncategorizedcoach

4-2 Loss to Los Pitufos
RH, TW, TK(gk), CB, JH, TW 1, TH 1

One Man and His Back Went to Mow a Meadow

There is no I in team, but the literate and more smart arsed amongst you will note there is a me, and that me -this Thursday past- was my back.Â My back said to me, “you got no foot skills or leg speed, but you got me now – a back of power – where you go I follow and together we can leverage the pain ledger on the bad guys” and I said “I am with you my back.” Then my back said, “before you can start running around doing all the fancy back Ninja moves and shit you have to understand the way of the back.” But backs can’t talk so he had get the information into my head in surreptitious ways, such as by making me listen to the Sports Entertainment Network (SEN) 1116 on the AM dial. On SEN they talk of the Western Bulldogs sides of recent years, they speak of its lack of a big forward, they question whether the Doggies will win a Granny without such a player, sure they has plenty of smaller guys who can kick goals, but the conjecture is that they will never go all the way unless they have a big power forward who can smash packs wide open and make the defense accountable in the pain ledger. “I hear your surreptitious whisperings my back”, I said to my back “you and I will get amongst it”. And we did, but I hurt my hammy.

Look we played pretty well. One own goal and one fuck up in defense was all that stopped it being a draw. Takeshi earned his money, Jim started a fight or two, Chassy shadow footed his arse around, Tao hustled up, and Andy was sneaky up front and causing them grief in defense. But in this division we can’t afford, to fuck up, relax or not be giving 100% effort 100% of the time, because that’s when we’ll lose.

However who gives a shit about any of that when you’re sitting around a Korean BBQ eating freshly fried tongue and talking about beach box poker with your Nannas brothers. Kodos once again Takeshi.

match report 090528

June 2, 2009Uncategorizedkondo

Score: 5-4
AW, CB(2), DC(2), JH(1), TH, TW, TK(GK mom)

The mighty fighting Nannas is back. repeat Nannas is back again!
We did well against the skilled opponent this night.

The first half:
The game started CB’s first goal. I have special/best mention to his dedication which I will talk later.

Everything was happening very speedy but smoothly for us. We were leading the game as TW and JH was dominating the center area,
AW was passing so many great balls to stay us in offense side, TH was keeping us tighter than ever. There were a lot of comments from the coach to everyone this night.

OK, our second goal just happened in the middle of first half. After overthrowing my ball, TW picked it up quickly from their defense and passed it to DC then the striker kicked it in the top of the corner. All happened in 4 seconds. It was beautiful.

The opponent was chasing us tight. I saved a couple of good goals but the score came to 2-2.

The second half:
It turned out as unexpected heat after losing 2 goal.Â At the first 10 minutes, both side kept shooting a lot of goals and they scored 2 in row.Â The score went down to 2-4. This was bad. We were in the position to recover 3 goals without losing anything in 8 min. I know it was not the first time for us to be in the position. All of soccer players know how tight it could be…

Then our third goal brought the hope to us. After defensing their conner kicks and more goals (special mention to CB to stop 2 crucial moments here ), the combination of TW and DC scored a long “AIM-9 sidewinder” style goal to the end of the left conner. 2 defenses and the goalie could not move.

Following that JH had another powerful long goal which penetrated the double handed block of the goalie. The ball pushed out the hands and hit his arm & shoulder then bounced into the goal. It was memorable goal.

As you can imagine after 4-4, all went very exciting!! At the end, CB finished off the heat by scoring the goal just 15 seconds before the game finished. It was nice smile CB!!

After the match:
JH took us to our old prudence bar. It was happy night talking about the coming up beachbox heat

match report 090521 – second TT champs

May 27, 2009Uncategorizedstriker

dc(mom/champ), th, cb, rh, aw

well, I just spent way too much time making the incredible piece of documentation you see above (click image to play movie, if it doesn’t work cos your computing is too behind the 8 ball try this chunkier mp4 version).

It was another 5some after a couple of late pullouts, Tao as he had no voice, Giller cos he’s really a young lib at heart and had to go and shake cocks at the australia club and Kondo cos he was preparing for a big interview. Still, a fine bevvy of fetchingly attired nannas hit the aquatic centre for a bit of the old swish swish. The author, under extreme duress due to impending deadlines, had decided he could work as well as play by bringing an obscenely expensive camera to shoot some high speed footage. Unfortunately he was unable to resist the whisperings of Brassy Mr Springy and was rendered incapable of doing anything useful, instead fvcking up proceedings on more than one occasion to the considerable ire of teh other nannas. Regardless of the many distractions and an early loss to a ‘Pseudo Phase’ he was still able to take out the championship. The Captain the only one to show any real resilience to the ‘tornado’ with his reverse spin mastery… yeah, that’s about it. no what am I saying. Chassy chose the Black Cat for some pert glass pressed beats but was forced home by a possible cashew induced medical emergency at Martindale, so instead dropped the remaining members of the elite Nanna TT force at Joes were they drank beer and ate olives and were served by a fvckhead.

timestamp: swine flu has taken hold in straya, deaths now being predicted by the health minister. chassy does VO for Len Lye show at ACMI. LCS continues to battle the forces that be with relation to the shittest screen display technology ever invented. Fraser getsÂ props from Charlie Kauffman, Saskia takes 8 steps in a row (is that walking ?). Barrack and Dick finally go head to head and North Korea carries out an underground nuclear test.

inspired by true events

May 13, 2009Uncategorizedwalmartin

Match report 7 may 2009

4 or 5 to 2 (nannas went down hard)

CB(1), DC, JH(m), RH(1), TH, TK, AW(m)

The Captain showed us how the hassle is done. Moving right up to the goalie who had the ball and rebounding it off him back into the goal. Nice. And reminded us all why we still need him.

The other gaol was some classic 1-2-3 action by the Chas and Co. This was real wonder stuff. A blurr of nanna magic, some amazing passing, and a convincing goal.

The captain later took us to The (Maori) Chief, the original stomping ground of the nannas. Well it looked as though it may have returned to old form, with a couple of stray dogs at the bar, and only one other table occupied. Classic Chief emptiness.

Out of seemingly nowhere Jim took the moment to â€˜lie on the couchâ€™. His eyes glazed over. He decided to open up about what itâ€™s like to grow up in boarding school. Took me back to scout camp, making fire sticks with Ah-Kay-La. We dob dob. I did get my tent badge in record time.

Anyway. It was a cold winterâ€™s night and Jim had wandered into his neighbourâ€™s room to warm up a little. Heâ€™d snuck a little bowl of crÃ¨me caramel out of the dining hall to share together. Jim opened the door. Fast and without warning. The fat guy was going for it hard, painting the ceiling. And working up a real fat boy arse-sweat. I mean, it was strange that Jim didnâ€™t knock. It was almost like he waited til he heard his breathing quicken through the walls, and then just pounced in.

They shared the pudding warm. CrÃ¨me dribbling down their fat chins.

Coincidently the following night on SBS was the â€œ Search for the Perfect Penisâ€ which had numerous interviews with a wide spectrum of tossers, and their various techniques. One guy talked about the 2 slices of ham in a sock. Another raved about the mango between the couch cushions. I just canâ€™t believe they hadnâ€™t interviewed Ghee and the shadowpump 2000.
Â

Apologies to Jim if I may have enhanced some of the details.

BUSHFIRE RELIEF TOURNAMENT 020509

May 8, 2009Uncategorizedthefunkynanna

THE NANNAS verus the REST OF THE WORLD

Results: unimportant…

CG; TW; TK; RH; CB; JH; DC; TH

The Nannas walked very tall this day. Who said that the nannas don’t put in for others.Â This was an indoor tournament that hand selected the best teams from each division. Of course the Nannas had to be there.

The teams were all MUCH MUCH more, shall we say, competant than the brown brothers of soul. The nannas never dropped their heads.

Much commendation must be heaped on our cheerleaders as well. There was a massive squad of brown believers. They cheered with such vigour that we believed what they were saying and it drove the nannas on to greater heights than they had even risen before.

Of all the games we played (3) we drew the first, lost the second 2 – 0 and then lost the last 4 – 2. These results cannot be relayed as to how well. we did. The second game, against a team NO NAME were rated as the competition”s best. To only lose 2-0 is incredible!!

The last game we played against our old nemessis “THE BULLS” the team made up of referees and people who had represented their country at indoor. Once again the Nannas shinned. I don’t know how brown can shine, but we rubbed it so hard we did.

Hopefully the nannas can take this form with them into the rest of the season…..

Match report 090430

May 1, 2009Uncategorizedstriker

Vs los pitufos 6-7
Th, DC3m*, JH1, AW1, TL, CG
*waiters

Kick off saw only 4 nannas on the court. 5 mind later the nannas were down 5-1. Reinforcements arrived and a comeback was on. 6-5 and we were looking good, but it was not to be. Thomas was playing some fine percentage play. Wal slipped in a Greek. Jim did some stuff. Kondo was in and out of goals. Holler pulled off a late arrival
And some fine saves. LCS scored a hatrick.

Ps. Happy 8th Birthday Elliot

Then to the waiters for overcooked and consequently sent back steaks, creme caramels and jim ordering LA style. All good. Swine flu still hasn’t claimed a nanna. The tournament starts in 20 mins… Still stuck I’m traffic… Is this the first iPhone report?

INAUGURAL TABLE TENNIS CHAMPIONSHIP NANNA DIVISION

April 26, 2009Uncategorizedthefunkynanna

Andy Wong grabbed the bar and took that m.f. up to the top floor of the Eureka Tower, then he got a whole lot of sticky tape and stuck it on the roof. Now I’m not sure if anyone else can even reach the bar.

What started out as a harmless bye has been transformed into a potential monthly (every bye) event for the nannas.

We all floated up to the front desk and got our tables. Two, right next to each other (well booked Andy), the vision we beheld we ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE!! Picture about 40 tables all crammed in close together, and nearly all of them totally full. People were going really hard, smacking the ball, uttering small cries, and even some load yells. Behind the table tennis tables, but still in the same hall were two massive groups of Karate Schools. More crazy noise was coming out of here as well.

Thomas had earlier done a draw, so every thing was ready…(for Thomas to collate some stats)…Balls were polished, bats were sized up and the games began.

Incredible table tennis was played, Dan Crooks had the sneaky serve from hell. Jim used his big wind up arms to good use. Thomas had shot of the night, and Andy the organiser nearly pulled Jims pants down.

The Funky Nanna took out the inaugural Brown moment with a clean sheet.

This was only the beggining of the night, as Andy Wong then announced that we would be off to the Supper Inn. On the way we asked Andy what time he booked. Oh my God, he said, I never thought……… Well, we were not happy, as we walked to the restaurant, the City looked jam packed we thought there might be a special code violation Jim could enact on Andy, when we were forced to wait in a queue.

When we got to the Supper Inn, THERE WAS NO QUEUE, in fact the stairwell was TOTALLY empty. Dan took out the camera to record the moment. Andy’s night was SAVED! to perhaps become one of the greatest Brown nights of all.

There was a small matter of Jim declaring himself the new captain, but we’d best leave that “in the closet”.

The First Season that Was: December 2008 thru April 2009

April 15, 2009The Season that Was, Uncategorizedcoach

MatchReport 090409 (4 of 4)

April 15, 2009Uncategorizedkondo

6-8 Vs Los Pitufos

4 reports and a picture are up! This looks beautiful. Don’t you think?Â AND It was awesome news Tao. Moving into northside! It will be the party time again. I really liked the tone you called us (good 8 years ago) as “Welcome party animals” when we stepped into your house in ST Kilda (with boxes of Beverage).

This Easter weekend started so messy as all of us mentioned.Â The opponent missing 1 and ref was ten min late + allowing opponent to add player.

So the game started in chaos but I did have a good feeling as I like the feeling “storm in a tea cup”Â and curious to see how this combination works. At the first half, both of the teams started sloppy but as you can see the numbers of the goals, there were a lot of good kicks happening in both end.

special mentions:
I saw Tao’s first goal stuck in the right edge of the Goal from 5m away. Unstoppable goal. I want to see it in every game.
Gilla was obviously performed as the best stopper. Pitufos had good skills of goals but it did not work for him. He saved at least 3 unreal goals and even scored our goal (not surprised).
James conducted our moves and dominated the field so many moments. Sharps pass and tight diffence.
Guido shown us the great Brazilian maneuvers to bring the balls always in the front.

I think that the game was very even. Unfortunately the opposition had 2 more at the last few minutes so we will fire more goals in the next game. I remember that all of us talking about “MORE SHOTS” in every half time.

Play aggressive for the semi final. Best run!

April 15, 2009Uncategorizedbestlookingnanna

MatchReport 090309

April 15, 2009Uncategorizedbestlookingnanna

6-8 Vs Los Pitufos
JH(1)MOM, CG(GK)(1)(MOM), TK(MOM), Gudio(1), TW(3)(MOM)

Yes you read correctly it was an orgy of MOMs on this particular night my friends. All four Nanna’s that bothered to turn up, and didn’t take a little break from play only to turn up for the semi-finals, all deserved the honour of MOM for the night.

While the start of the game wasn’t looking too good for us when the opposition, with one player down, scored the first blow. We hit back with a goal of our own and then the Los Pitufos got fresh legs from any player turning up for the next game that felt like a bit of a warm up. And we know how the other teams love to have a shot at us. They are just jealous of our super cool team colours and that just pisses them all off.

Scores remained pretty level for most of the game. Started with a nice pass from Jim to allow me to put the first points on the board for the Nannas, and I mean for those Nannas that bothered to turn up the week before semi-finals. It was pretty much goal for goal from then. I managed to get a couple more, Jim snuck one in of the toe, There was a Giller special off their goalie. At least I think that’s what happened. And Guido slipped a ripper off the spot the no one was expecting. So at half time it 6-6.

And that was the last the last time we scored. Unfortunately the opposition decided they wanted to score a few more times and managed to put away another couple of goals…… with a little help from extra fresh legs from some more Anti-Nanna supporters that had just turned up.

Special mentions go out to

Gilla for keeping the goal difference to only 2

And to Kondo, who got in early with the I’m too soft to run a whole game call, then ran the game of his life and never faulted in his pursuit of excellence. nice work Kondo.

ANd the news that Gill is speaking of in his match report, should you have read his first, is that this little brown Nanna is moving northside.

MATCHREPORT 090409

April 14, 2009Uncategorizedthefunkynanna

Nannas verses Los Pitufos

6 : 8

TH 3, TW 1, CG 1, TK, JH 1Guido

The nanna’s were down and needed a fillin. In comes the brazilian. Jim was at one point happy to hear we were getting a brazilian but I had to break it to him. Not that kind Jim…….

Whoever we played were good. They pressed us and pressed us. But at half time it was 6:6 and we were in it with a chance. Alas they powered on right past us…..

Jim still wished we really did get a brazilian each. Instead Kondo treated us toÂ a very hairy dinner at a swinging Japanese joint down in deeeeeeep south town. Across the road from Glicks we gathered, all told our bagel stories, and got down to the japanese that promised so much.

And boy it hit the spot. Many thanks Kondo!!! Also Tao had a little anouncement to make as well. Maybe I will leave the suspense for his report!

test post

April 14, 2009Uncategorizedcaptain

this is a test

Match Report 090402 – Part The Second

April 6, 2009Uncategorizedcoach

Nannas vs The Dirty Waffles

2 : 2

TH(1)-MOM, CG (1)-MOM, TW, TK, AW, CB, JH

“Shall I compare thee to a summers day?” Wrote the bard. “A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet”, he went on to say amongst other poeticisms. What I had writ before the internets eat it was of comparability with the Bard’s words. Pertaining to the first half I spoke of the struggle agin more talented and desirous opposition. I spoke of the micro-schisms appearing within the team. The bickering, the anger, the near knife fights, Jim’s woeful attempts at sledging, I wrote of it all as a rainbow describes the physics of light. I talked of our fortune at being just two goals down come the half time break, when the lord God Jesus and the lord God Buddha both concurred that we should be copping a caning reflected by a larger margin on the scoreboard. My words went on to describe how we came out for the second half – and at this stage I did a nifty thing with my words were I spoke of our pride and desire and faith in ourselves and I made it seem that we were about to come out and turn the tables using just the nobility of the Nanna and just when all your hearts were filling up with Nanna love and the Nanna chubbiness was filling up in your pants I fully flipped that shit right around and said NO! Nothing changed in the second half, we continued to play just as shitfully as we had in the first half, and there was still bickering and Nanna angst (nangst?) BUT somehow we kept at ’em. I wrote of Chassy shadowfooting and Tao’s anger was being channeled into the angry hustle, and I had this great literary montage of Gilla keeping them out against the odds in slow-mo with bitching diving saves using the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. And I fuckingwell wrote of of how we had a sub and they had none, and us exploiting that tiny chink in their half inch steel armour, in one glorious moment of literary and soccer genius where Chassy shadowfooted them right in the kajunties and drilled a pass to I, who had drifted past their tiring defense into the d where the boot orientation gods smiled upon me and I was able to make the deflection count. My words told of a second exploitation of weakness. The weakness I described was the ‘no dedicated goalie weakness, the exploitation I described was the ‘goalie attack on the no dedicated goalie weakness explotation’. Basicaly I wrote of Gilla kicking them in the underpants. The long bomb demoraliser. I wrote of our fortune at keeping them from the back of the net for the remainder of the match.

Then I wrote the important stuff. It wasn’t about goals or defense or fancy names for tricky moves or any of the action shit that seems so important. I wrote of the utmost importance of Nanna Love. A Nanna’s love for a Nanna, how we can never lose sight of that, because there were times during that game that I feared we would. I wrote that we must always smile, regardless of the circumstances, and more importantly smile at our brother Nannas, because winning or losing doesn’t count for a six foot stack of dogshit if you ain’t smiling with a man in brown.

MATCH REPORT 020409

April 5, 2009Uncategorizedthefunkynanna

Nannas vs The Dirty Waffles

2 : 2

TH(1), CG (1), TW, TK, AW, CB, JH

This was a very tough match. We faced off. Still with the bitter taste in our mouth of the random violence of the last time we met (chassY). We all eyeballed the big guy you tried to kill chassy with a knife last time. This time he turned out to be a good guy. It was another one of them. A geezer – one who looked atÂ TAOÂ and thought – here we go. Despite the madness no cards were shown. Despite Tao giving it his best, there was no reprimand. Also the mad told the ref that if he didn’t pull Tao up he’d punch him in the face -Â still no card.

So I started to slash car tyres – still no card, Andy was eating Greek food on court – no card, Kondo was doing a nudie run – cardless, Tom was singing the Carlton theme song – unbelievably no card, Jim simulated goodtimes on a picture of chassy on his mobile – no card, Chassy showering on court – no card, but Jim showed something
Basically the dirty waffles owned us. The first half I think we entered our forward half twice. They peppered away so much I had a sneezing fit. They ended up the half with two goals – not bad nannas considering.

The ne4xt half the Nannas did a lot better. Tommy toe touching a killer and a long bomb goalie style firming the pudding.

The hand shake at the end was funny with lots of look aways and lots of grumbling, but what is sport without sweat, grunting and attitude.

The post match was hosted by Tommy “lets go to the Rooftop” Howie. We arrived (after a pussy car park) with the bouncer almost suggesting there was no room. With Tom eyeballing a massive violation we made it. We had a good view and Kondo told of his plans for this thursday – YUM!!

dyke night gives me The Horn

March 29, 2009Uncategorizedwalmartin

19 March 2009Â

5-4 Nanna loss to The Hyderoos.Â

CB(1), DC(2), CG, JH, RH(1), TH, AW(m)Â

Despite the loss, the game was a great game. A very balanced and equal game, with goal for goal rhythm. In the end we lost by a goal. And sure it was an own goal, but all appreciated that it could have been any of us. It just wasnâ€™t.Â

Noticeably absent was any westside presence. There was talk of heavy thumbs. There was talk of dark clouds. There was talk of dark and heavy thumb clouds, and inevitable and impending cool change coming in from the west, and we had all better laugh and snigger whilst The Great Dark Thumb had not (yet) unleashed itâ€™s true power.Â

Fortunately I took notes after the game to remember all the little details of the game, the goals, the passes, the saves. All that sweet nanna poetry.Â

Unfortunately I totally lost my notes. And having so heavily relied upon them I remember nothing. Apologies.Â

The only single moment I recall was my own cross-court fast pass which snaked through 4 pairs of legs, across to an anticipating Cocky, who banged it home for a perfect finish. Gold. And boy have I been reliving that one all week.Â

Ahhh. The nannas. More than a team. Itâ€™s a lifestyle.Â

And after 9 years of eating post-game chips at pubs the nannas have again stepped it up a notch. The expansion of our post-game repertoire. We move from the Maori clubhouse, to The Windsor, into unchartered waters.Â

Gilla had booked us into The Horn in Collingwood.Â

It looked like it was not only going to be entertaining but also educational. Being a whitey I had always imagined that the â€˜hornâ€™ was the bottom tip of Africa. Stupid. Ignorant. white boy. The map on the wall informed me otherwise. The Horn I realised was the most eastern tip which resembles a rhino horn.Â

The Horn comprises Ethiopia, Yemen and Somalia. Ethiopiaâ€™s population is 85 million. This could be contributed to the average fertility rate of 6.12 kids per every female. Average.Â

The Harar beer was I have to say a beer which was really agreeable with me. Crisp and clear. Just the way I like it. And the label was a beautiful picture of a fort building in a sandy desert, all orange. The barman talked them up as â€œorganicâ€ beers, although the labels did not appear to confirm this. The other beer was the Dashen, with an equally tantilising label with beautiful red script font.Â

I returned to the bar for another Harer. Took a sip, and thought this really doesnâ€™t taste like beer. It tastes like water. Drank half the bottle. Yep. Thatâ€™s water. Back to the bar. They gave me another. Cheers. Although that too tasted like water. Umm, this beer tastes like water. Gives me another. By now I was just too embarrassed to not to just accept as beer.Â

I did feel like a real hard man saying hey this beer tastes like water.Â

Those Horn heads. Theyâ€™re not focussed on the beer. Their biggest trade export is coffee, accounting for 80% of all exports.Â

Their second biggest export item is Qat, accounting for 10% of all exports. Qat is a controlled/illegal plant. It is chewed, and contains an amphetamine-like stimulant which causes â€œexcitement, loss of appetite and euphoriaâ€. Within the Kenyan elite, it is also used to cure hangovers. 40% of Yemenâ€™s precious water supply is used to irrigate the Qat plantations. 40%.Â

When theyâ€™re not making coffee, they seem to be chewing. And when theyâ€™re not chewing, theyâ€™re procreating.Â

Australia controls the importation of Qat, but with a permit one can import up to 5 kilos per month. That seems like a lot of chewing. The number of Qat permits issued in Australia is 294. (It is illegal in New Zealand).Â

But I digress.Â

The food was amazing. So flavoursome. It was tricky trying to eat sans cutlery, with only the right hand. Gilla had arranged us a table right in front of the band, The Blow. Much of the fanbase were bald men with ponytails. The nannas felt young again. And much like the Thumb Cloud, the nannas giggled initially, then understood that itâ€™s approach was also inevitable. That will be my look for the Finals.Â

I had imagined that the dining line-up would crescendo gradually throughout the season, the alphabet peaking out with the Wâ€™s at the Flower Drum. But the Gill really stepped it up to such a new height, that really we almost have to bring it back down to just chips to level it back to reality.Â

Parts of the Horn are scary. Apart from the pirates, there are 84 airports in Ethiopia, and only 15 have paved runways.Â

Gill and Chas continued onto into the night. The other soft-cocks went home. Wal hit Alia for dyke night to touch the â€œthe ratioâ€ treats. I road-tested my new line: hey ladies, how bout we â€œmake like the Hornâ€ and up the fertility rate. Seemed to bamboozeel them sufficiently to get some walmartin signature.Â

matchreport 090305 1/3

March 19, 2009Uncategorizedbestlookingnanna

7-3 vs Vagabundos Da Praia
DC(4)(mom), TW(mom), CB(2), JH(1)(mom), CG(gk)

2 weeks have passes and………… I can’t remember shit. I do remember 3 out 5 Nannas were voted Men of the Match. Is that to say the 2 left behind weren’t worthy of the honour. I say no. The tight five were equal in brilliance on the night and we blew the Vags away.

time has passed……..

Ok I just took a moment to visit the backyard and have a little you know what and now I cant remember even less than I could before. This has to go down as one of the shittest reports ever……. sorry

matchreport 090305 1/3

March 18, 2009Uncategorizedstriker

7-3 vs Vagabundos Da Praia
DC(4)m, TW, CB(2), JH(1)m, CGgk

Unlike previous weeks where anywhere up to 10 nannas were to be seen striding the hallowed halls of wesley college, it was a tight five that took to the court last thursday. A very tight five, arguably the tightest five. And it seemed to work pretty freakin’ well. A diamond formation, Tao hustling up front, Chas and Le Coq Sportif in the midfield (left and right respectively), Iron legs Jim in defense and the funkiest of all nannas in goals. There really is a lot to be said for the tight five. A whole lot of running for starters, but also a real sense of cohesion and communication. Admitidley our opponents weren’t really up to the challenge but they did have some skills, and some pushy arms, not enough body mass behind the arms however to stop LCS from barging his way into the first goal. from there on it was all slick passing and some freakin’ nice shooting. The first Earl of Martindale slotting in a couple of sweet strikes. A couple of very fine saves from Senor Gill and some nice delivery. Jim doing that great kind of scary threatening jumping stompong defense intimidation thing. The last goal of the game was a rather laughable reboundy scrabbly stumble in that should almost be called an own goal, but it won’t becauseÂ I got it !…Â erm , what else. Oh yeah it was my choice of eat/drink location. On some dodgy adviceÂ from a work colleague I picked a bar (too late for eat) just off chapel street “tyranny of distance”. It’s probably great if you like hanging out at in Prahran but it wasn’t really the nannas cup of tea. Still chassy and LCS took it to the next level with an extended nightcap at joes on the way home whichÂ included several beers, some fine whisky (a nod to don draper) and some grown up conversation, freakin tidy action ifÂ I do say so myself.

ps. it’s my second to last day at ACMI forÂ ever ! Global financial crisis, huh ?Â
pps. touched a RED One for the first time ever yesterday (not mine unfortunately… but soon…) got toÂ love that 10mm Ultra Prime…mmm….

haiku wagyu

March 4, 2009Uncategorizedwalmartin

match report (26 Feb) from the walmartin

5-5 v Boomin Back Atcha
DC m 2, CB 1, TW 1, JH 1, AW1m, TH, CG gk, TKÂ

Â Â

My ninja nannas,Â

poetry on court inspiredÂ

some haiku for you:Â

a battle it was,Â

Gilla outstanding in goals,Â

tiger reflexesÂ

Post-game venue change,Â

dinner at Fitzroy beer hall,Â

nannas in high times,Â

Chas, Gill, Wal and Cock,Â

Continue onto Black Cat,Â

Whole lotta young things,Â

Backs to the mountains,Â

musical chairs for the sights,Â

views to the valleys,Â

And such young valleys,Â

So tight, so pert and teasing,Â

nannas choking beer,Â

twinsâ€™ flesh pressed up close,Â

mouthing we want you right now,Â

Chas, hip hip hooray,Â

Wal to cap it off,Â

to Alia for dyke night,Â

she said not the front,Â

the game had much sweat,Â

thankyou Jim for the cross-pass,Â

Wal backdoored once more.Â

Match Report 19_02_09

February 24, 2009match report, Uncategorizedcaptain

vs Los Pitufos
Nannas win 4-1
CB 2, DC, JH, AW 1, TK, RH, CG, TH 1
CB,RH MOM

It’s a win and a win it had to be, as Los Pitufos have the agility of pizza dough and the ball skills of a fat mans arse.

The most perplexing thing is that Los Pitufos won the first half!

The second half however was a much grander affair and, much like last week, the Nannas really pulled together as only a team of nannas can. Beautiful manouvres through the middle, speed on the wing and a back door man that has claimed that entry as his own.

The fact that the Mom is tied is testimont to the unity for which the Nanna bretherin performed. It could easily have been an eight way tie for MOM and perhaps that would have been fairest.

As I sit here in a darkened theatre, scanning the forms of scantily clad dancers parading their wears for my pleasure it is hard to not think of my team mates and how the symmetry of their movement could easily be described as choreography. If we were to simply purchase leotards and the services of an avant garde soundsmith we too could sell ourselves as art. But I digress.

Match Report 090129

February 4, 2009Uncategorizedbestlookingnanna

Nannas Vs Hydeoos

Score: 4-10

GF, CB, TK(GK), TH(1), DC, AW, TW(1, MOM), JH(2)

Was it hot??? F^%* yeah it was hot. Was it a good enough excuse to lose to the dirty Hyderoos?? F^#$ NO!!!! Not to mention we had two more subs than them. Shame Nannas, shame.

It seemed to be a very confused and rattled Nannas that hit the almost liquified court that night. Luckily the children were taken outside so not to witness such a miserable display.

Were the Hyderoos better than normal?? I for one think they might have been. Possibly they have imported some talent?? Maybe we need to take the Hyderoos to the tribunal and check that there has been no breech in the salary cap. An inquiry is what’s required here.

None the less it was a giant effort from the brown men to even take to the court after all the warnings in the news not to do any exercise in such weather. Did this deter us…….. no I say. Nothing but another challenge for the brown men. Going on this and past hot weather performances it may have to be said the Nannas play better in the cold. We are men of the snow not of the desert.

Special mentions should go out to some face saving goals from Jim, Tom and myself and some excellent work in goals from Kondo after being let down by his defence.

Sorry Nannas, I know it’s a bit negative and all but on a lighter note the dip in the bay after the game was a good call. Well organised and Dan was well shafted with having to get the fush and chups. But hey would we have got the extra sauces, including the tartare, had anyone else had gone. Also had it been Gee that had to go, as it was supposed to be, then we wouldn’t have got any potato cakes because he believe them to be impure. Even though he ended up eating most of them. Stop Tao, stop dwelling on the negative. The sand was hot but the water was cool and the the beer was cold and that’s what matters the most.

still sucking in

January 28, 2009Uncategorizedwalmartin

match report 15 january 2009

5-1 nanna win.

CB, DC(2), GF, CG, JH, RH(1), TH, TK, AW, TW(1)
(apologies but who got the other goal?â€¦JH?)

Fuck fuck fuck. Iâ€™m upside down. Iâ€™m underwater. I donâ€™t know which wayâ€™s up. Iâ€™m caught in a oxen stampede and Iâ€™m just lying spread eagled just taking it. This is not a good situation. There is an immense amount of pain. There are no words. My balls have been kicked up deep inside me. Iâ€™m writhing on the side-line trying to find inner peace. Iâ€™ve been taken to a higher level. Iâ€™m up on the ceiling looking down on a small man in a lot of pain.

The siren sounds. The game is over. A 5-1 nanna win.

Some guy is saying Iâ€™m sorry. And Iâ€™m saying no worries. Itâ€™s ok. And Iâ€™m trying to be zen about it. You freakin idiot. Punk trying to kick a goal from mid field. At least connect with the ball you freakin freak. Instead you have used myself to give myself the human enema. But in hindsight, it may appear to be a short-cut manovourve to take the MOM off others more deserving.

Itâ€™s 40 degrees outside. Half of the state is on fire. Trains are melting. This kind of heat always encourages me to go looting. I donâ€™t know why. Iâ€™m thinking the worldâ€™s ending, and instead of going out looting and rooting, Iâ€™m trying to remember who kicked the ball two weeks ago. I hope the world doesnâ€™t end quite yet because Chaz and The Coach have called the semi-impromptu on the annual fish and chips tomorrow night. lip smacking.

As for the game. For me one of the match highlights was a Gilla long throw out of goals which landed on the foot of Jim, then flew across court to Hinkley, who with one touch just slotted it home. Absolute gold. I still canâ€™t believe that any of them actually had their eyes open.

There was the ever tenacious Tao who ran up court, and just pushed on through and into the net. Simalarily Cocky who gathered momentum to pass by all, and ping one true. Two actually. Ghee played some magic with some standout cross court one-two action, but upsetting all those who were expecting the signature. Chaz as graceful as ever and still with the youthfulness to run the full court. Howie ever present. and vocal. Kondo fully doing the splits to keep a clean slate.

And the full team sub at half time. Classic nanna mind tricks.

And the pain. Iâ€™m left with greater mental scars than physical.

What was touching for me was not the nannas helping a brother back up to his feet. But the outpouring and genuine offerings of the groin massage. Genuine offers. Initially I relied on gravity alone, but I soon succumbed to the bombardment of enthusiastic text offers. Thankyou brothers. I still respect you.

Match Report 081218

January 6, 2009Uncategorizedbestlookingnanna

1-1 Draw to Los Pitufos

GF, CB, CG, TH, JH, AW, TW(1)(MOM)

Well Nanna’s, once again unbeaten so far in the season, but can we keep the momentum up?? One might say we should have one this one and I might be that one. Especially when I was the one that should have got a free kick for a behind only to have it turned around on me and turned into a goal. Am I harbouring any bad feelings towards the ref?? Me?? Never. Even thanked him at the end of the game.

All that aside the Nannas played very well and managed to hold there own. Some very good defence from all with a special mention to the reach around (still waiting to see that famous move once again). Gill once again saved the game from defeat with some superb saves. Jim made a ripper pass that allowed me to just lift my leg ever so slightly to give the ball the deflection it needed to slip past the goalie as he tried to rush me.

So all and all not a bad effort for the first game of the season and the last game of the year. Now it’s time to get serious and take this new season and year by the balls and squeeze so hard that the veins are bursting with brown pride and finishing with a happy ending.

Match Report 081120

November 25, 2008Uncategorizedcoach

9-1 Victory vs The Annual

DC 3, JH 3, CB 3, TW, AW, TH Gk (MOM)

Let this week’s match report take the form of an analogous tale.

There is but one king that is king of all the vast African plains and savannahs and that king is the Lion. The King Lion fears no-one for he is king and everyone better do whatever the fuck he says or he will kill them. The other animals cannot touch him and the only thing he must keep is eyeballs on in terms of trouble is the upstart young lion bucks who would usurp him. These little prince lion upstart juniors will hang out on the edges sniffing around waiting for the opportunity to attack and try to steal the mighty King Lion’s lion kingdom from him. If the King Lion is not 100% percent ready and committed to fight he will be humiliated and the coach will have to give him a royal dressing down and remind the King Lion to “counteth not thy fucking chickens before thy fucking chickens hatcheth”, but by then it is too late because the young prince lion has a ball gag in the King Lion’s mouth and is riding him like a bitch and screaming ‘you’re my bitch now bitch’. To make matters worse every other lion in the joint now wanted a piece of the King Lion and for week after week he was savaged and demeaned in the most derogatory and cruel of ways, all but the last shreds of his dignity were vilely stripped from this once proud King Lion leaving just a weeping king lion husk weeping bodily fluids.

If the King Lion is lucky he will get a second chance to fight the upstart prince lion and a second chance to redeem his honour and his respect. Fortunately in this story the King Lion gets a second chance. For the King Lion once again entered the Lion Dueling Arena with the young junior upstart prince lion, and this time he knew not to counteth any fucking chickens. While the first half was relatively even, in the second half he just stepped right up and started chewing on that junior prince lion’s face, and he chewed that fucken’ junior prince lion’s face right off right of its fucken’ skull. Not content with a facefull of face he turned his attention to the genitalia of the young prince lion junior. Now, there are two ways for one being to take another being’s genitalia in it’s mouth; one is with a mind to pleasure the other being to the heights of ecstasy, or, quite conversely the second is with mind to savage and bloodily neuter the other being so that it is reduced to eunuch status. The King Lion took to the junior prince upstart lion’s genitalia with no mind to satisfy, please rest assured it was strictly the latter of the ways that the King Lion went after the junior prince lion’s junk- he fucken’ munched down on it hard, it was all teeth and no tongue, and he fucken’ got in there and fucken chewed and chewed, and gnawed away, masticating every last little piece of genitalia into the smallest pieces possible, all the while his powerful King Lion saliva was breaking down the matter at a cellular level so that there was no possible way at all you could just wack it on ice and chopper it off to the microsurgeon for the old addadictomy and somehow save the manhoodliness of the young lion upstart prince.

And when the King Lion was sated all but one of his constituent parts went to the pub and had a beer and some dinner (except for another one of his constituent parts who only had chips), and King Lion reflected on where he had been that Lion Dueling Season, from the king of everything to a piece of shit nothing, and finally -thanks to some ball blood on his lips- back to a modicum of respect . And then the Lion King reminded himself that it was not over yet, all the other Lions who had so royally fucked him needed to get their faces chewed off too, and some of those Lions were tough motherfucking Russian lions who fucken’ sliced babies wide open in Chechnaya for fun, so he would certainly have his work cut out for him, but if he can only stand up and fucken’ tough it out, and fucken’ fight with a fucking psychopath’s desire for the taste of scrotum in his King Lion mouth and win three more matches, then he will be; THE FUCKING KING AGAIN!

MATCH REPORT 301008

November 6, 2008Uncategorizedthefunkynanna

Nannas versus Vagabundos Da Praia

6 Â : Â 6

DC, CB, RH, JH, CG, TW, TH

MOM: CG & JH

BY the skin of your teeth nannas, by the skin of your teeth.

Vagabundos Da PraiaÂ have been a team that in the past the nannas have owned mentally. This time they bought in the Aryan Nation man…..he had a weapon. I’m not talking about anything insidious – I’m talking about his right foot. (probably his left as well) He was really the difference. Never spotted before, and hopefully never again.

About from him, the nannas would have ruled supreme…..like an Iron chef up against a kid making mud pies.

The goals were shared around, but the Nannas were not the menace that they were in the start of the season.

The game is a bit of a blur, but as we walked off the ref said “good game”. Mamoud is a man of few words, so when he drops a pearl, put it on your necklace…
I believe there was a first as well during the MOM voting. Chris “vodaphone” brown busted a very cheeky move, or was the fault on the part of Dan “musical cock chairs” Crooks? Almost a code vialation, but who do we give it to?

Match Report 081023

October 30, 2008Uncategorizedcoach

5-7 Loss to Golden 40s

Goals JH 2, CB 1, DC 1, TW 1, AW 0, TH 0(GK)

MOM TH

I don’t remember how it started but I will NEVER forger how it ended. Unbeknownst to the rest of the table Wally Wong had been using the extended time between ordering food and receiving food to get the old ‘Wally Wong Magic Hypno Eyes’ going on a couple of ladies at an adjoining table. I think even he was a bit stunned by how well it worked, because one moment Nannas were happily having a gay old time laughing about something (probably Chassy tearing his pants again… tore it in the crotch again if you were wondering) and the following moment these two ladies did the ‘Mega Panther Pounce’ and landed at our table with some pretty crazy maneuvers. Pretty much straight away the Irisher of the couple was practically mounting Wal’s shoulder, Wal’s head was roughly the colour of borscht, and the rest of the Nannas egged her on, desirous to see if there existed in the old visible colour spectrum a red deeper than the deepest beetroot red that could be made to manifest on Wal’s head. There was and it duly manifested itself as the ladies tried to get Wal outside for a ‘drink’. Let that be a lesson to all Nannas to beware the seductive power of the ‘magic hypno eyes’ and not to blythly use it just because you are bored of waiting for your steak to arrive.

Just as Wal’s head had adopted the hue of that most famous of Russian soup’s as its colour for the evening, so to did the game have strong elements and overtones of the Rusky. I.e. the opposition were them. Just as some general said in one of them 50s movies about Strategic Air Command, “Were gonna be in a shooting war with the Soviets” (draw out the so part and say the viets part quickly if you want to sound like said general) so we found ourselves (although unlikely they were strickly speaking Soviet). They hit us pretty hard pretty early. Probably three goals running in hard off the corners and leaving their Nanna. From there we regrouped and never really let them get away, but the damage had been done and we couldn’t quite peg them back despite keeping the pressure on through goals and ball control.

Match Report 081002 – Part the First

October 8, 2008Uncategorizedcoach

Vs The Annual, 3-4 Loss
DC (2) TH(1) CB JH CG(GK)

MOM DC TH

It is oft said of the youth that while they possesseth the energy they possesseth not the control. Perhaps you may think back to your own youthful actionings, in the bedroom, where a great deal of excitement and exhilaration and stimulation was not necessarily able to be drawn out, or manipulated to maximum advantage, or the utmost power leveraged when needed most. Or perhaps you have experienced this recently whilst enjoying the company of someone younger than yourself. Whatever your manner of understanding, the maxim remains the same; the young, while willing, lack the experience that counts. Sometimes however it would seem that vitality and vim can overcome the knowledge, skill and know how that the decades provide, and thus it was well and fucking truly proved this Thursday past. For the Nannas arrived with â€œin the bagâ€ mentality, thinking to toy with the young opposition a while, as a feral cat might toy with a caught rodent, or a well-versed harlot might toy with a trick at the limits of ecstasy. Yet despite going down one-nil early on, the foregone conclusion mentality continued to hold sway amongst the Nanna brethren, as though somehow our age, experience, skill level, ladder position and track record meant we were ordained for victory. Well let me tell you Nannas, history is littered with the fetid corpses of those thought themselves predetermined to win, the tales of old are awash with the blood of the foolhardy who believed destiny had fated them success before the battle had begun. If you learn nothing else from last weekâ€™s defeat learn this: counteth not thy fucking chickens before thy fucking chickens hatcheth.

Of course while the mindset describes the demeanour, which defines our loss it does not describe the manner. How were a bunch of pimply children with little more than eagerness to describe their soccer skills able to defy a battle hardened outfit of match fit Nannas? I will away with the verbose language and give you one word. Desire. They came with greater desire, and for that they were rewarded with a great victory. Greater desire for two things: desire to win, and desire for the ball. The desire to win is essentially what I have already discussed. A belief that you can win is a much surer bet than a belief that you should win. I hope every fucking Nanna out their in Nanna fucking land has got that in their heads, because we are about to move onto what I believe is a greater problem: desire for the ball.

You’ve got to want the ball. You’ve got to want the ball real bad. And you’ve got to put that wanting the ball real bad into practice by going after the ball like possessing it is what keeps you breathing. Not only last Thursday, but generally, Nannas are a bit soft at the ball, holding off it, standing behind the opposition and putting their head down when a pass does not miraculously find it’s way through, generally not wanting it bad enough. While I am loathe to single out an individual, I will at this juncture raise the name of the purplest and most angriest of Nannas, Tao. While he may not have the strike of the striker, nor the shadow foot of the shadow foot, nor the back doorness of the back door man, nor the Heisenberg uncertaintly principle of the man know as the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, he has a desire to possess the football the likes of which exists in no other Nanna. While he may have his moments of code violation and giving the ref an earfull, it is his willingness to go to the ball wherever it is, no matter how far away or how hopeless the situation may seem, and make a contest that the Nannas lacked this Thursday past. I want us all to take a little of Tao’s tenacity, Tao’s never say die approach, and fucking well get in there and make every ball contested. No matter you think the contest is over and you are beat, fucking well get back on the ball and make every moment of possession the opposition may have a hard fought fucking annoyance for them. This week I don’t want any excuses, I just want to see Nannas wanting the ball so bad it hurts them deep inside. I really hope I have made myself clear, because this is the area in which we acted like a bunch of nutless monkeys last week, this is why a bunch of fucking teenagers wearing girl’s hair accessories were able to bend us over and disgrace our junk.