All Victorian nannas in attendance.

What a night. I’m glad we only do that once a year because it took a week to recover. Seriously. After an impromptu date change we actually got all 9 nannas in a beach box. mid winter. I started with 9 layers (1 tee, 1 thermal, 6 wool jumpers, 1 hoodie) and ended up in just in a t-shirt. The music was totally rocking. The brothers all real and warm. Absynth. Charlie. Tequila. Gimlets. Oh the gimlets.

The night was too big. This report simply focuses on The Lessons. A new component of the beach box. Each nanna had to ‘make like the maestro’ and teach the others something. Anything. The numbers game determined the following sequence, interlaced between poker and the smell of a bumper crop.

My very blurry memory of The Lessons:

Lesson 1: the spoon by Weis.
A real hands on lesson, tao even brought power tools. He had kindly preflattened the spoons. We just had to design a layout for the hole cut-outs. then drill. Then file off the rough edges. Then we poured absinthe over the sugar cube, drained through the colander spoon. Things began warming up.

Lesson 2: tablesoccer by Kondo
This started looking real scary when takeshi racked up a line of tequila shots. We cleared the table of Gimlets and split into two teams. Takeshi showed us how to play soccer with just 3 coins dribbling through the other pair. There was a generous amount of drinking. It appeared that when you scored a goal the other team had to scull the tequila. The night was already getting confusing.

Lesson 3: moon dumplings by The Captain
We wiped sand and spilt tequila off the table and hinkley pulled out a can of mussels. Also some little dough wraps. He taught us the art of the moon dumpling. By pinching and overlapping the wrap a crescent shape was formed. We placed them to the side with the intention of frying them up for breakfast. Very hands on. Lucky the Health Dept didn’t raid the box that night.

Lesson 4: grammar by Hannan
Another corker. It started off with jim passing around a note reading “chas”. I was hoping he was going to finally go the tongue, but it was all a dummy. It turned into a grammer lesson. I thought it was going nowhere, like the time jim didn’t know which bar to take us to. But it all suddenly warmed up, where I was taken into an upper plateau of grammar. Where does that possessive apostrophy go?… Chas’s ball. The nannas’ balls. Boys ware department. I was struggling now.

Lesson 5(a): north point by Cocky
Another gem. The night was really warming up. Face the hour hand to the sun. then half way between the hour hand and the twelve is north. Simple. Never in all my years at cubs had I been taught such a life-saving lesson. Although all very convincing at night-time cocky. Hours later cocky realised that he had totally fucked up with the hour hand, the half-way, the north point. We were all lost.

5(b) Then cocky started banging on about 1’s and 0’s. I think he lost everyone except poor Hinkley who cocky had cornered against the wall. Companion 0’s. the pair. Another 1. 11 00 1 0001 00001 0000

Lesson 6: hangin five with Wal
We all popped outside the box for a site-specific lesson. The swell at Mt Eliza was uncharacteristically small, so we all drew a surfboard on the sand. Then wal taught the nannas how to catch a wave, paddling, push-up manoeuvre to feet, stand, walk to the front of the board. hang five. The lesson itself good to show Swedish backpackers at Bondi.

Lesson 7: I’ll get back to you by Gill
And I’m still waiting. I was hoping it was going to be some MJ tribute move, grabbing the crotch and some awwwwing. Cause I know he’s got it. he just couldn’t move by this point in the evening.

Lesson 8: French insulting by Monsieur Chas
The night was now by now in full swing. I’m guessing it was about 2am? Chas had already stripped off nude and gone for a swim. Chas was standing on the table in tights. Almost indecipherable with his thick French accent. Killer. Wet my pants. A lot of falling about. We actually learnt a french phrase to chant at our opposition, coupled with a fist gesture. Chas passed out soon after.

Lesson 9: bottle opener by The Coach
The beach box was by now levitating. Chas was asleep on the floor. It’s all about leverage. Thomas grabbed a plastic bottle and somehow ? with brute force and this thing called leverage, he popped the top of a beer bottle. A wonderfully simple, yet life essential lesson.

The night was too much fun. almost excessive. The Lessons were just one small component of a much bigger and finely orchestrated night that is Beach Box. Muchos Respectos to all.
 

I came out $8.25 up.