Match Report 20110217

match report

4-3 Victory vs VJFC (Va Jina Football Cunts)

TH (GK-MOM), RH, JH, CB 1, TW 1, AW 1 , James the ring in and Julian (Tao’s French bench assembler), and there was an own goal if you’re counting.

Sugar is sweet, so is honey, mix ’em together and it’s sweeter still. Add some maple syrup, how’s that taste? A bit sweeter. Maybe some golden syrup, mix that in real good, now you’ve made it sweeter. Add some other different sort of sugar, maybe brown sugar or caster sugar or icing sugar, in fact fuck it, put ’em all in and as much as you can get, bags and bags of the shit, you might need a forklift or a dump truck or preferably both, trust me you can’t make it too sweet. Then you’re going to need palm sugar and coconut sugar and any other exotic sugar you can get, blend it in and taste it, it’ll be pretty sweet already, but not sweet enough. Go synthetic, I would recommend sucralose, aspartame, saccharin, glucin, dulcin, neotame, alitame even acesulfame potassium, get as much as you can get and don’t worry about any of that shit causing cancer, that’s not the problem, the problem is it won’t be sweet enough – and it’s not. Add some natural sugar substites, xylitol, pentadin, monellin (you know from serendipity berries), erythritol (good because it’s less likely to produce gastrointestinal distress when consumed in large amounts and we need A LOT of it), glycerol, luo han guo whatever, pour it in, mix it up, dip your pinky in and taste it, gaze meaningfully at about 45 degrees from the horizontal, and go “hmmm, not quite sweet enough”. Get hardcore with the proteins, specifically brazzein and curculin, at over 500x the sweetness of sucrose by weight these little guys are essential for getting it sweet enough…

I could make some elaborate allegorical tale about the nature of the struggle between us and the va jinas, but the internet writes better and has bigger dickheads so let me just say that we are the bitchenest Anonymous hackers and they be knob wallabies extraordinaire HBGary Federal. See here and here.

I hope you enjoyed that little diversion, it was pretty cool the way we ended up owning them like that stupid HBGary va jinas. In real life it was of course Tao being the young lady hacker who social engineered Greg Hoglund and like what the man from Ars Technica said, we didn’t need any super special hacks to get through their defenses, just good exploitation of the holes they did leave. Plus I think we rattled them a bit.

However back to that big pile of sweetness you were making in your mind in the first paragraph. That’s been in the sun for a couple of days, it’s reducing down a bit and through that process getting sweeter. Get some sort of giant cauldron on a flame and reduce reduce reduce, we need to sweeten it some more, it has to be so fucking sweet that every mother fucker in the universe gets diabetes from its very existence alone. Ok get it into a malleable ball about 500mm diameter, take that ball and with your own Nanna mind hands form it into the bludgeoning weapon of your choice, maybe a warhammer or a mace, even a morning star is ok, or a base ball bat or crow bar if you want a more modern vibe. Then put it in your mind kiln or whatever you’ve got in you mind tool forging workshop that can make an ultra sweet mess of mind hand formed weapon as strong as steel. Now I really don’t know how long it will take to harden, it’s your mind tool forging workshop and you’ll have to work that out for yourself. But as soon as it comes out you grab your engraving tool, and somewhere on the end that does the damage you inscribe these words in big letters: SWEET REVENGE. Then you walk up to (in your mind only please)  whichever of those va jina’s sorry excuses for a face pisses you off the most and smack (once again in your mind only please) that bitch down with SWEET REVENGE…

What’s that noise? Don’t you hear it? All the angels in heaven are crying with joy because the awful dreadful horrible curse of The Dirtiest Loss Ever (see here if you don’t know what i’m talking about-AS IF) is lifted. That’s right friends the sun is out and the birds are singing their innocent little arses off with out and out unadulterated glee such is the happiness the world feels when the dirty low act robbery tragedy sushi roll of major pissed offedness, that’s sharpened to a point and stabbed right in your guts and can NEVER be removed, and has to live there all your days long, not being eaten like a normal sushi roll, but fuckingwell eating YOU is removed from your guts by SWEET REVENGE.

Nicey versus the cooker: match report 3 Feb 2011

Uncategorized

Nannas 5 plays  Pornstars 7

CB, DC, CG, JH, RH, TH (2),  AW, TW (2)

Well, here I was, standing on the sideline watching as the game started against the same team we had played only two weeks before. They beat us 13 to 5 last time. One side of me (let’s call him Nice Jim) was hopeful, thinking, well maybe with an almost full bench of subs, and with Gill, Cocky, Chas and Tao back in the fold we could make an imprint on these bastards, maybe we could even go one better and take the little shits down a peg.

But then my other side (let’s call this one Cooker Jim)  was all like, Jesus, what if we do beat them, what would it look like having lost to them one week by a margin of eight goals and then the next week coming back and winning. For a start all my plans of restructuring the team would go astray. I would also have to put up with Cocky telling me how like Arsenal it was, you know, like the time little Cesc was out injured for most of the season, resulting in a slide down the Premiership ladder, only for him to come back and the Gunners to find some form again. I hate Arsenal. Or Tao, who I sent a text message to, after our loss last time, saying, in jest, that it was his absence that was the cause of us losing by so great a margin the week before. Or Chas, who I would have to sit down and, with our eyes locked in a deep and intense gaze, apologise for our previous dismal display.

It seemed like my text message to Tao was a good omen for he started with an early goal. Nice Jim was all happy, pushing Cooker to the side of my brain for a minute, as the thrill of being in front consumed me, forcing me to yell and scream encouragement to Tao, telling him how good he was (it’s true!)

I then came on and of course Nicey and Cooker had to take a back seat, for there are no sides, no prejudices, no hesitancy when a Nanna takes the field. A Nanna is brave and true and fights for all he is worth, to death, for, as all Nannas know, we dishonour never, ever our grandmothers or any female who we may be distantly related to.

Soon after Tao scored again and Nicey was riding pretty high but Cooker was all like, man, just settle a bit, it’s so early in the match and shit, these guys can play. But even so Nicey had it that the one chink in our opponents armour, their shit defence, was being exposed. And so it went. From two corners, Tommy stood statuesque in front of their goals waiting for a cross, which came, and which he cooly put away. I say statuesque because there he was, stationary, with literally metres of space around him. Nicey took infinite satisfaction from this seeming over-confidence from our opponents, like they thought they were so good they didn’t need to mark us or anything.  What’s more Gilla denied the opposition’s best player from what seemed a certain goal, pulling off what some would later say was the save of the whole ten years the Nannas had been playing. Could it really be true that we were beating these guys, giving them a right royal old taste of their own medicine?

I think it was four zip at this stage and old Cooker definitely couldn’t believe it, walking around muttering to himself. But then our opponents, or shall I say, one player from the opposition started to gather steam, running around us like we weren’t there. And then the inevitable happened. He scored. Even though he was on the sideline and even though there was a Nanna shadowing him, he was able to produce a stinging shot that hit the far top corner of goal. Even Gill could do nothing. We got another goal somewhere, somehow, I do not remember who it was. Five to one. And that was the way it stayed until half time.

After the interval, there was something of a change in the complexion of the match. The Nanna scoring dried up, even though we had our chances, but the opposition seemed to find not just more ball but more space with the ball. Again their whippet-like star player led the charge with many a run starting deep in his own half and finishing somewhere deep in ours.

The following are the crucial moments of that second half that decided it.

One, Tao missing a sitter in front of goal. The pass came quick, it wasn’t as well directed as it could have been, being ever so slightly behind him, but with an open goal beckoning, he stabbed at it, trying to hit it too hard, and he missed the ball entirely. As Nicey noted, the omens had changed.

Two, their whippet like star player ran past a couple of Nannas down the right. He was pushed into the far corner where he delivered a blistering cross. I was on the back post marking one of their players, and as the cross came in I reacted. Instead of stopping the ball getting to the player I was marking behind all I did was direct it into my own goal. A very low point.

Three, a foul on the edge of our box resulted in a penalty. Even though we managed to get their littlest (metaphorically speaking), most punk-arsed played sent off (a triumph for the Nannas), from the resulting free-kick the ball squeezed in between both Cocky and my legs and through for a goal.

Four, with a couple of minutes to go with the scores locked, Tommy had a chance to get our noses in front. He lobbed it over the keeper and it looked like it would go in. But it hit the crossbar and came back out again.

And how were Nicey and Cooker feeling?

Well, as you can imagine Nicey was crying. He tends to do that. Old Cooks was truly bummed too, for even he, self-interested and crazy as he is, hates it when the Nannas lose.

After though, both did laugh hysterically when the MOM was announced.

Match Report 20.01.11

match report

RH(2)(MOM) JH(1) TH(1) AW(1) DAVE (Ringer) TK

It was a game of two halves. In fact it’s more reasonable to consider it as two short games than one entity – which would make it a drawn series as we convincingly won the second game by a single goal.

The first game in the series was not one that many Nannas will remember with pride. I’m not sure how many Nannas can remember back to the early days of the Nannas when a young friend of the Nannas – Dave was his name I believe – decided to take on a larger opponent by the name of Goliath in the car park. Dave was brave and agile and quick which is helpful. Goliath was an enormous powerhouse of strength and physical ability, skilled in all martial arts, ever, and carrying an assortment of the latest combat weaponry from the Russian version of the SAS.

At Daves funeral we talked about how he had battled hard and really given it his all but in the end had very little to offer in the way of a ‘knock out blow’. When Goliath opened up with his Armour Piercing shoulder mounted rocket launcher Dave could only really stand and take it on the chin and there’s only so many of those that a man of relatively small stature can take upon the chin.

So it was in the first game for the Nannas. The opposition may not haver been carrying any discarded russian weaponry but they were packing some tools that no Nanna has ever owned. There were Multiple goals, and the ‘M’ in Multiple is capitalised for a reason, that went past the valiant Takeshi Kondo. There were passing moves and bursts of speed more often seen at Albert Park during the Grand Prix than on a regular Thursday.

Only one Nanna stood up in that first game and kept the home fires burning – the Coach with a sizzling goal that lef t them reeling, sort of. So we left the first game with our pants on but only just and carrying some heavy scars.

The break between the two games required the Nannas to dig deep, there were strong stirring words, I think Jim said “Holy Fuck”. But it was a different Nanna outfit that took to the second game.

A decisive, fast moving, quick witted outfit. Ringer Dave opened them up early with some fancy footwork, working hard down the flanks and delivering ball after ball accross the goal face, it was only a matter of time before a Walmartin would find himself knocking on the back door with room to spare and a laser guided right foot.

The defence too tightened up, the Nans started mixing it up, laying it up at the back, sending long balls through, rotating positions. Big Jim hanging off, not plunging in, which is hard for a man with such urges. Thomas marshalling the troops, working the numbers and unafraid to take the hard knocks. Ringer Dave going the extra yard by attacking an opposition foot with his head, gutsy. It wasn’t till the final few minutes that the Captain had a run, from a kickoff, the seas parted and allowed an easy slot to find its way home.

And what to do after two short games rather than one game of two halves?

A scenic stroll through the unseen backwater that is Parkville. Thomas opening up a whole new genre in Nanna cooking by providing an insight into his ‘secret Melbourne’, the nooks and  crannies that make this town of hours such a wonderful place. Alfresco Salt and Vinegar washed down with crisp clean Asahi in the night air and ‘blind mans Aerobi” to finish. A delight.

Match Report 20110113

Uncategorized

The DIRTIEST EVER! Loss 2-1 to the Esperanza (so called but were they?)

CG, JH, RH, TH(MOM), James the ring in (1 goal and =MOM)

THE PROLOGUE (The setting of the scene)

Perhaps you can pop the little door in the middle of your forehead open and enter your mind’s eye and try for understanding, for we are seeking not a person or a place but a state of being, a being of equilibrium, an equilibrium of absolute equipoise, an equipoise of complete and utter parity. Can you conceive of  such a place? can your human consciousness perform the necessary contortions to properly perceive this state where no one entity holds dominion over another? Where all is neither more nor less than all else. Where the scales will tip to neither side, the little arrow forever perfectly teetering at the impossible apex of some mentally concocted device for measuring all that is in an unerringly balanced actuality. Take your mind there now… everything is equal… everything is everything else… everything is discarnate like high altitude clouds, in fact it is high altitude clouds and you are cruising through the high altitude clouds in a Gulfstream V. Now take this non-place state of being and make it real, give it flesh, can you make this utterly flawless symmetry physical and tangible? Can you take the next step on this inner journey? I hope you can because the next step is out the side door of the Gulfstream V, for what we must do now is see what you have until now only thought of, we must witness a true state of equilibrium made actual…

CLIMATICS

… first a detour, bear this in mind dear reader as you take the journey to heart break. Due to prevailing climatic conditions being ‘La Nina’ (the girl) it was real wet, and sure that water was getting in the building, water will always find a way. The ref regularly stops the game to dry the court or the ball so no one gets hurt, isn’t that nice?

DID I MENTION THE EVENNESS?

Sure it was pretty much true stalemate Fischer vs Kasparov (however but i don’t think they actually ever played against one another). I know you’re thinking WW 1 all those trenches, no one going anywhere, neither side able to gain an advantage that was an equal stoush right? Perhaps some of you may remember the epic Crooks vs Howie armwrestle of the Nannas Man Weekend 2010, two perfectly matched specimens, neither able to win. Well trust me idiots none of that shit has a flea’s dick on the evenness of this fucking match I am writing about right now. It was even fucking Steven as. Giller let a VERY uncharacteristic fumble in in the first half and then James the Ring In got a reasonably lucky long range shot in when their goalie was blinded. I.e I’m shitting you not it was tight. Two very large granite boulders of absolutely equal weight and neither able to move the other, two similarly massive Yellowstone bison repeatedly bashing their heads against one another. No one was going anywhere, and this is how it should have ended…

THE GREAT SADNESS

We all know tradgedy, we all know robbery, we all know dirty low acts. Well Nannas present at this match know them all rolled into one like a dirty low act robbery tragedy sushi roll of major pissed offedness, that’s sharpened to a point and stabbed right in your guts and can NEVER be removed, and has to live there all your days long, not being eaten like a normal sushi roll, but fuckingwell eating YOU! Can you believe that shit? Well believe it because it s REAL! Look at Jim’s guts now, look at Rhian’s, poor old Chris Gill’s stomach is an absolute mess of eternal agony and despair and it will be for EVER! Because of what happened to us on that soccer field on that night.

GEE, SOUNDS PRETTY SERIOUS.

What was the biggest robbery ever? Jesus, look it up on Wikipedia you lazy fucker. Probably some ex P.I.R.A dude and his mates got some guns and held a bank manager’s family hostage until he got all the Manager to open the safe or some shit, or some computer dick cheese stole all the .001 cents from all the transactions at the biggest bank in the world or some shit but anyway YOU’RE TOTALLY WRONG about both those things. Who are the biggest cheats in the universe? Maybe Thierry Henry using his hand to fist the Irish, maybe Maradonna using his hand to fist the English, anyway you’re wrong about that too my friend. Beacuse what happened to the Nannas that night was both the biggest sum act robbery and the biggest dirty low cheat ever! 9 seconds to go: Big Jim goes down on a wet patch; ball goes out; cheating opposition kicks the side ball over Jim’s prone body; ref does NOT halt play; cheating opposition gets a goal. FUCK I AM PISSED OFF EVEN WRITING THOSE WORDS AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

DEALING WITH THE INEVITABLE EMOTIONAL DISTRESS

Only the finest Indian food this side of Bangalore! Yep you know it, all bets are off, the clock is reset, and all venues are fair game with the new year. Rhian took us to Aangan in deep far west Footscray and now Giller has a new girlfriend and her name is Mango Lassie.

Match Report 20101223

match report

Game: NANNAS vs V J F.C

Win 4:2

CB, DC(1), JH(1), CG, TH, AW, TW(1), TK(MOM)

This opponent is fresh and fast. They have very good foot skills to bring up the ball to the front.
So the game became intense from the beginning. Both of us had quite few shots and somehow we ended up losing two goals quickly.

The pressure was on. As we were chasing, the 4 magic goals saved our life the night.
Our first break through was TW. When I was surrounded by their defense in deep front with the ball, he was running behind me like a cavalry penetrates anything he wants. I sent the ball back to him as soon as I saw and he scored beautiful one.

Our soul was lifted by this goal. The second one was followed by DC’s back heal kick. This trick kick was shot from out side of the penalty line. It was looked like he was just turning around so that the goalie could not stop even it went through between his legs.

The third goal was the our favorite goalie goal. CG did this again as everyone expected. The score reached 3:2 at the mid second half. This goal changed the mental balance of the game significantly.

The fourth one was launched from far back of the penalty line by JH. The trusted main cannon blasted everything a second before the whistle.

It was a good game and a nice way to finish the end of 2010.

A Happy New Year brother Nannas!

Match Report 20101216

match report

Vs Team Scandinavia- The Low Countries

6-3 Loss TH(1)(MOM), RH(1 0r 2?), JH, TK, AW, CG(GK)

Fucking Scandinavian low country bitches. Two faced cock heads. In the war they were all “we’re neutral”, then “actually we’ve got blond hair too we’re with the Nazi dudes”, then “microwave ovens are cool, let’s go suck on some American cock”. Fucking Finnish Amsterdamian fjord lovers, if Brussells is so cool why isn’t Luxembourg a part of Belgia then? Jesus! Anyway they’d all had tank commander training from the Waffen SS so they were well drilled, they’d been on the echinacea pills since birth so they were fit young specimens, they could run, pass, strike and all that shit, their dicks could table dance the Jenkka at 140 bpm, while pulling one of those overwrought Belgian beers that yuppies love so much, all the fucking while with a smile on their dirty wannabe aryan faces. What hope did a somewhat depleted Nannas have? What chance the aging brown men against such a virulent specimen? What tricks could Old King Lion muster from his bag of old tricks? I’LL FUCKING TELL YOU WHAT TRICKS! HOW ABOUT THE TRICK OF FUCKING HAVING BALLS AND STEPPING UP TO THE OPPRESSOR NO MATTER WHAT THE ODDS. (that trick always fucks the kids) HOW ABOUT THE TRICK OF SEEING THE TINIEST CHINK IN THE OTHERWISE IMPREGNABLE 9 INCH REACTIVE TITANIUM ARMOUR AND FUCKINGWELL HAMMERING ON THAT CHINK UNTIL IT CRACKS WIDE OPEN. Let’s break down the tricks then shall we?: Trick one – Stand up to them – You are a proud Nanna with a fighting heritage that goes back over 10 years, sure you’re facing up against an opponent superior in many ways SO WHAT? Form on paper don’t count for shit, he still must beat you, you take it to his sorry herring eating arse and you make him beat you, every time, and you make it hard for him to beat you, you make him think twice about wanting to beat you. This we did. Trick two – Drive a wedge into his crack – His crack in this instance being his lack of goalie, the wedge in this case being our constant pounding of his crack, lots of aerial balls in, lots of shots on goal, lots of being there for the parry and fumble. This we did, Rhian scored from the head from a big throw in from Giller, and I managed to crumb one. Plus Giller kept kicking the ball into their heads but they just kept smiling. All that said they were pretty good, we certainly gave them a bit of a scare when we drew level, and the score only really blew out in the last couple of minutes when we pushed forward trying to arse the game back.

For afters Giller slipped his tougne into big Jim’s ear and said “LP – tropical far North Fitzroy”, new and super groovy we drank Quilmes and had a little impromptu.

Match Report 2010_11_18

match report

vs Hampton FC

lost 1-0

CB MOM, TH, TW, DC, RH, TK, JH, AW

The Phase wannabes aka The Nanna Wannabes aka The Annual aka Hampton FC. We don’t enjoy losing to these guys. One of them wears a headband. They keep changing their name. They’re pushy. They’re hungry. They’re tenacious. They play our game. They keep beating us. Fuck it!

Once again I find myself adding to the tome of honourable losses. It was very nearly a 0-0 draw. Which may have been unprecedented and will now remain so due to the fact that these nemesicians sneaked in a goal right near the end of the match with only minutes to go. And in doing so, snatched the near-dissolved gastrolyte tablet of a draw right off our collective tongue and swapped it for the bitter pill of defeat. We all know about this kind of pill. The pharmaceutical of the vanquished. More bitter than a neat glass of Campari warmed under the hot loin cloth of an obese medieval statistician. More cloying than a mouthful of green chalk.

Kondo was valiant and staunch in goals. Repelling wave after wave of attack. As for the single goal that got past him, I cannot comment for I didn’t see it. Cocky sacrificed himself in the form of a large, mobile haematoma. The writer had a couple of good shots. Tao provided V Shots that got some of us pretty pumped. We drank and ate at the Belgian. And.. Curtain.

the dainty

Uncategorized

NANNAS VS DWSFC, 4 – 1 WIN
CG, CB, DC, JH, TH, RH, AW (2)

This is one of those games I have relived over again all week. More specifically Gill coming right out of goal down the wing, and passing cross-court through an entanglement of feet. Then me just pinging the baby from a deep angle. And the goodness.

And so I’m channelling Joan Holloway, and all the are nannas suited up, pitching The Backdoor. All smoke haze and gimlets. And we’re all “working back late” in the office, slapping arse and getting carpet burn.

Don is played by Tommy, just being smooth and calm and getting the job done. Chas is Salvador, the very dapper. And so it goes, all the others nannas forming the smoothness. We’re all there. All we need is Ghee to waltz in all gangbusters and upstage the backdoor pitch with the Shadow 2000. And the client loving it.

Big props to Fi who came down for the support. We hit the Dainty after for some big plates of chilli.

backdoor vision

Uncategorized

Nannas VS Spartan Warriors FC, 5 – 6 loss.

Some classic greek backdoor.

I’ve wanted to for quite a while. But I waited til the wife and kids had gone to bed, and then I pulled out the laptop. Then I googled, “greek backdoor”. And I was pleasantly surprised. Then I even did an image search. The most dubious reference was a links to the “village keys”.

But there was the game. And a foggy recollection of Jim taking a corner, and not passing it nice and easy, but slamming it at me. Man that guy can release himself. And I’m thinking it’s coming too fast. Jim has just released at full throttle. And then I’m banging it into the back of the net.

Jim’s just given me the village keys and I made good use of them.

MATCH REPORT 11/11/10

Uncategorized

PLATINI v NANNA

6 v 4

AW(mom), RH, AW, CD, JH, CB, TK, TH

It was remembrance day, a day observed in Commonweath countries to remember the members of the armed forces who died in the war on duty since world war one. It was on this day, the 11th of November, that marked the actual day on the date of 1918 that the official end of the war was formally ended by the German signing of the Armistice.

Generally it was recognised that it occurred on the 11th day at the 11th hour on the 11th month….

It seemed that the Nannas, all men of the Commonwealth, were stuck by the awe of the day. All it would seem except Takeshi Kondo. It was he, not of the Commonwealth that strived to be the difference. The difference against a team that was clearly (on the ladder) our inferior.

It was Rhian who lead our weeping, he drew us in and began with a hug to each of the Nannas, took us aside and pressed us to …..

Match Report 2010_11_04

Uncategorized

vs Spartan

lost 6-5

DC, CB MOM, JH, TH, AW, CG, RH

On a dusty shelf in a forgotten room of a large rambling country house shall sit one day an enormous leather bound volume entitled “Honourable Losses Sustained By The Mighty Fighting Nannas”. And yes, deep, deep inside this antediluvian tome etched in jenkem shall be the words I type this day.

For this was one of the Nannas great, honourable losses. The coach had prepared us for the sculpted pectorals and handsome countenances of this young and lusty foe. We were not swayed nor distracted by the very slight and superficial differences that could be gleaned between us and them. On the day we were very very similar. For in the breast of every Nanna that evening beat a youthful, hopeful heart encased in our own metaphorically sculpted pectorals.

Yes we took it right to them. It was almost a draw. And if it had been a draw then we would certainly have had the scent of victory in our nasal passages. But alas- No not even al, not alas at all.. but as it transpired there was no scent of victory. A sharp whiff of a draw. A profoundly honourable loss. Kudos men!

Match report 21/10/10

match report

CG DC-2 AW CG JH-1 RH-1 TH(post match)

In july 1973 captain Curtis Browning of Bravo company was wounded by shrapnel 2 miles north of Pnang Ta on the Kotan peninsular. He was unconscious when dragged into an army evac helicopter and only regained consciousness in the relative safety of the hospital aboard a medical naval frigate 4 days later. His first thought was of his men and although he couldn’t walk he demanded to be returned to the jungle. In the end he was restrained in his bed for a full month. During this time he was tortured with dreams of his men caught in crossfire, aimlessly wandering in the dense and unforgiving jungle.

Finally he was released and spent four days fighting his way to the front line and his men. His first emotion upon reunion was that of relief and then quickly a sense of awe overcame him. In his absence bravo company had recaptured Hill 462 and gained ascendancy in the battle for control of the Kotan peninsular. He wept solidly for two days, the emotions were enormous, his men had reorganized themselves and fought with such skill and teamwork that he felt he was superfluous. His chickens had outgrown the nest and were now flying alone.

After two days of tears he realized that in actual fact his role in bravo company was more important than ever. His chickens could fly but now it was time to turn them into eagles so that they could soar in the clear blue skies. He took to the skies and his men followed, they flew above the trees, above the clouds and high into the nothingness above.

Its time to fly brown men and soar like eagle, don your wings and flap with me.

MATCH REPORT 14/10/10

match report, team photo

THE NANNAS V HYDEROOS

5       V       3

JH 1, CG 1 (MOM), DC 2, AW1, RH, TW, TH, CB

Perhaps one of the greatest EVER brown performances in the history of the Nanna. IT is not because it was a top of the table clash, and we smashed em. It was not because the girls are back exercising pre match. (maybe for Andy it is though!) It was not because we played with a $50,000 camera at the after match. It is not because it became Andy’s birthday at midnight that night whilst we were toasting the new shelves. IT is not because each Nanna played  out of their skin, no it was none of these.

The nanna’s were a unit a brown, tight, phenomenal force. At one point in the second half the Nanna’s actually controlled the ball with one touch passes for nearly 4 minutes. This devestating display never actually resulted in a  goal, but it did result in a BRAVE NEW WORLD. It resulted in a new phrase now uttered by brown men, a phrase that goes, “yes we can”. We will share it with Barack, as he now knows how we roll. IT was a period of the game where we basically played like men who had NO opposition.

Of course eventually the reality of the situation set in, we handed back the ball and came down to earth again. They got a goal an then we answered and then answered AGAIN! But I digress, lets go back to the start. Lets go back to when Andy WAS forty.

The game opened in fury, both sides pushed both sides were denied. It took one man, the oldest man available. IT was, I think, a flying side volley from Andy who was sitting so deep, you couldn’t even call it a greek move. Maybe we should settle on a Cypriot goal. It was an amazing goal, one that perhaps the crowds of Wesley may never see again.

The next goal was rather more shit, but we will take it. It was a goalie throw who’s their loser goalie fumbled it through the goal. Whatever it takes! We went into the half at 3:1 after Dan stood up and became a man (again).

We went into the half time reasonably cocky. Tom and I had our usual arguement about meeting / not meeting the keeper who comes out. But you will be happy to know we talked post match about this argument, and came to an agreement on the matter. But, beware the curse of the Nanna. Happy first half : Anally rearranged at the start of the second half.

Sometimes it is time to say enough is enough and this week the Nannas became a shade browner. THis is when we stood up and held onto the possession of the ball for what seemed like an eternity. We got one then they got two then we bitch slapped them down with the final goal that spoke of courage and determination.

Afterwards we took it to JOE’S, a Nanna favourite and it did us another fine service. Dan tempted us with talk of his new amazing shelves and boy, what shelves……Very man….

At about two minutes after midnight Andy told us of his birthday…..What right now Andy! ? YEs it was and he really wanted to go to the strippers around the corner from Dan’s studio. I mean who were we to say no to the birthday boy. In fact we said no, but the birthday boy went up all y himself. He keep talking about a disappointing ratio?????

MATCH report 071010

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THE NANNAS versus ESPERANZA

2 v 6

CG (mom) AW, RH, JH 1, TW, CB 1, TH

Against our OLD foe, our arch rivals….the new nemesis….It was 1 ALL at the first half. Things were looking good. Admittedly I saved a couple, but we were thrusting and they were sweating…..

It was good to have the captain back, it had been a long absence for him and for the Nannas too. A rudderless course through the choppy waters of indoor pain. He looked lean and mean but like Thomas had gotten, he too was about to get a little bit older.

I was putting in pretty hard! But it was in good spirits. When the second half opened up so too did our goals that I was supposed to be defending! They slammed on a few quick one and made us look like we were all getting that little bit older and slower.

That said, we finished off with run in the legs and hope in the eyes.

Afterwards we learnt a VITAL lesson, don’t EVER hang out on the Southside. We tried to go to Red Bennies but the door bitch really was….

Thats why its called the Southside….

The look on Tao’s face as he drove off, so disgusted with me, but I have to say Tao, it was karma, meant to be….just as well the captain was not there to see another loss for the Brown Men

match report – part deux

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23 September: CG (mom), TW, JH, TH, AW (mom), and the good Guido (2).

I was fresh back from 3 weeks in Fiji. I was in rhythm with my natural cycles, the moon and the tide. This is a good place to be.

There’s a 90 kilo pig. I’m in a village on a remote island. And the village is keen to feast. The chief instructs to kill the pig. Humanely. He has no desire to kill it, and feigns an obligation to the kava bowl. “Knock it out first blow. Axe to the head. Then knife to the throat. Don’t fuck it up. Do. Not. fuck it up. I do not want to hear it”.

We lost 3-2. There was a lot of nanna absence. Few overseas. Few sick. Yep, it’s the tail end of Melbourne winter. Some absence is accounted for. Others are just hiding, quivering in a hole.

It’s 5am. The men dig a big hole, then light a big fire within it. Lots of volcanic rocks are thrown atop. All the fire is then removed. The rocks glow white hot. The pig is so big it has to be cut into pieces. These are then woven tight with palm leaves. Then thrown onto the hot rocks. Then covered in more palm leaves. Then the entire pile covered in earth. It steams hot for hours. What an aroma. And then we feast.

Gill saved numerous goals, and appeared to spend much of the game horizontal. In the air, arms outstretched, just saving goals like a man possessed. Guido, our latest regular ring-in, kicked our only 2 goals. And I had nearly ‘pussied’ the ring-in request.

It was strange to be back in civilisation and wearing shoes. But it was great to be back with the nannas on a court, kicking a ball.

MATCH REPORT 230910

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THE NANNAS vs GENESIS

2 v 7

AW(Mom) CG (Mom) TH, JH, Guido, TW, ???any more???

My memory of this one is fading…..and fading fast….We were spanked really, and spanked by a team that WE spanked the week before. (Which Dan will attest to SOON). We had a ring in, we were the tight six and yet, nothing went right.

I can’t even remember who got the goals. At least we had the good ref there….Speaking of the good ref, I’m sure he wished me well for the up coming grand final. Infact I am sure he did. And I am alos sure that at drinks afterwards around the corner on Jim’s behest, Andy laid down a bet that – he bet $10 that Colling wood would lose the grand final. The one thing I am unsure of if there was any mention of odds.

As it tuned out the Grand Final was initially played between Collingwood and St Kilda and it resulted in a DRAW – it was insane. I woke up Sunday morning with a pulsing ulcer in my mouth, a testement to the stress and anxiety that ravaged my body that week.

The next week was equally tense, with no nannas game in sight we forged forward through the dirty week of a BYE (never to be mentioned out loud) and found ourselves at another grand final – you wouldn’t read about it.

COLLINGWOOD were undoubtedly the greatest team ever to touch the turf as they bitch slapped the life out of St Kilda. Heath Shaw’s save and Alan Didak’s goal and subsequent shimmy still find me hard today!

As the final siren blared my ulcer subsided and life turned a shade of amazing!

I even got a nice text from Tom at the end of it all…………….

match report 100916

match report

no stats available apart from DC(4,mom)

well yes, it is with some degree of shame and embarrassment that I write this report almost three weeks late. The small matter of an extended south pacific sojourn coupled with patchy internet access and a liberal view of the posting rules is wholly to blame (the disrespecting of the flurry is another matter entirely, the blame for that lays solely at the feet of the authors flaky webmail server, well most of it, that and the super dodgy telcos operating in the relative third world nations of Aotearoa New Zealand and the Republic of Fiji Islands (and the Piña Coladas)).

Anyway, enough fleshing out of match reports with extended excuses. The game itself was pretty good as I recall. We won the first half big time and only lost the second half by a bit, leading to a net result of the Nannas™ up something like 7-4 (maybe 7-5) at the final whistle. The only thing that really stands out from the match in my post plural Piña Colada memory is the early contender for GOS (goal of the season). Giller, reading a run from the author, throws the perfect long ball towards the right corner. Arcing over the authors left shoulder the ball drops invitingly for the half volley. With acres of space the sensible thing would have been to try and control the ball and get closer but fvck it, why not have a whack. By pure fluke the strike is as sweet as the proverbial nut leaving the goalie rooted to the ground as the back of the net billows… Tight is Right®

from the depths it came.

Match Report 100909

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Nannas-7 Vs Hampton FC-4

DC(3), JH(1), JM(MOM), KD(GK), TW(3)

This post was written by James Mercer who so heroically came to our rescue after just finishing a game down at the pits then riding to ours only to find out there were no subs. And to James’ credit he had written this and sent it tome before the commencement of the next game.Well done James.

Football is a game of two halves.  So it proved again as the Nanna’s took on Hampton St at Wesley College.
Determined in the tackle and playing on the counter attack Nanna’s pinched an early goal.  Tenacious Tao was all over the pitch interupting Hampton’s play.   The ever dependable Jim was a rock at the back, and Takeshi ‘The Cat’ Kondo wasn’t letting anything past him.  With the opposition frustrated, the Nanna’s hit a purple patch.  Twat!  Eat that goal! Liquid football! The Nanna’s were 5-0 up.
At half time Deadshot Dan suggested that given Nana’s propensity for conceding, keeping a clean sheet should be the aim for the remainder of the game.  Although greeted with unanimous accord it was only minutes into the second half when an already tiring backline conceded.  With youth and substitutes on their side Hampton had brought the score back to 5-4 as the game moved into the closing stages.  The ‘Cat’ Kondo preventing a complete capitulation with some excellent saves.
A breakway goal thanks to a neat finish from Tao, and another netbuster from Deadshot Dan, rounding off hat-tricks for each and the hopes of Hampton were vanquished.

Match report 2 September 2010

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Players: JH, TW, TK, Guido, Marco
Goals: JH 3, Marco 3, Guido 1, Tao
MOM: JH, Guido/Marco
Official score: Nannas 9 v opponent 6
Unofficial score: Nannas 8 v opponent 7
Time in possession: 65%
Passing efficiency: 75%
Shots on goal: 20

Pre-game
The Nannas were a paltry three. Cocky, Wal, Captain and Coach were overseas. Gill was somewhere but not willing to tell us. Chas had to do something or other, I forget. So there we were, low on number, low on Nanna love, and with most of our usual ring-ins not available. Then Tao rang a Brazilian friend who was super keen to play. What’s more he had another of his countrymen who was up for a kick.

During the warm up our Brazilians did amaze with their tricks and sideways passes and back heals. Admittedly I had only seen the Captain really attempt these things before in real life before, so you could say I am easily impressed. But then, just before kick off, one of them said, ‘the best way to play is everyone start from the back and just continually counterattack.’ Needless to say I was wetting my pants with anticipation.

The game
The game that transpired was always going to go in the Nannas favour. We had most of the ball (even though in the first five minutes of the second half it seemed like we would never see it again). The passing was crisp and most of the time well directed. We did let in some very simple goals (which for the most part were of our own making), but our defence was only truly opened up on one or two occasions but on these occasions the opposition was greedy in front of goal and we were lucky that most of the time they chose to shoot instead of crossing to a team mate (who, by the way, would stand there yelling at his avaricious team mate). The most telling thing was how easily we could get free from our markers leaving us with heaps of time when a pass did come. For two of the three goals I scored, the ball found me in acres of space where I had lots of time to steady and shoot. This time and space can be put down to one thing: the control we had in possession and the threat this posed to the opposition. Usually our opponents know that when playing us, the ball, sooner rather than later, will come back to them via an over ambitious one-touch, a needless attempt at something fancy or just the sheer one dimensionality of our play—we only know one way of attacking—forward quickly and at all costs—so they know what to expect and where the ball will be. In short, we’re not hard to pick off. Not this time. Because we held onto the ball and because we were able to move and position ourselves around that possession, we did to our opposition what most good teams do to us—wait until an opportunity presented itself, then exploit it without mercy.

Analysis
There has been a faction in the Nannas that have been advocating for a new style of play for some time now. I say forget that, this would be very much like trying to teach old dogs new tricks. What the Nannas need is a playmaker and instead of trying to invent one out of current stock, we should just bring in some talent. Indeed, as the transfer window deadline approaches we need act and act quickly. The only question that remains is do we go to ten Nannas or do we sell in the transfer window? Upper management?

Match Report 100826

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vs Platini
Won for the game (FF) The practice game 4-7
CB(1), DC(2), TH (Coach), TW(1), JH, AW, TK(Goalie Mom)

Hearing one and knowing ten, we are back in Wesley.

We are in a new division in the new season. The Div is called 2/3.
What is going on!!? I noticed that the world became a little crazier after the weekend…
However, there are lots of old best enemies to test out our new skills and new strategies which we gained in the man weekend (except brain memory)
Now we play smarter as a unit.

The first impression was the improvement of the pass works. I can see all of us are focusing on finding space, creating space, trusting the team more than before and positioning ourselves right way. As we often having the shots from far back of the penalty area, this new strategy is the way of the victory. We score goals because we have good fire power. But we understand that it is not good enough to win.

I witnessed that there are so many beautiful cross passes and quick one two passes. Some of them looked like a Toss juggling. It worked beautifully as you just felt or imagined. We had a great test run this night. The downside of the new style is “We are not used to run back to the defence position from this practice”.

We might need to add Aikido’s most deadly technique “The defence is to deflect the enemy’s power then create the chance to attack” + The second last person from back needs to position better to stop the counter attacks. I do not know how? This could be our next challenge.

My personal quest “Where is best table BBQ for Nannas?” still continue. We went to a Korean BBQ near Brown ally and Goldfinger. The striker loved the Soju and had a happy time.

this may have happened. maybe.

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Match report 12 August 2010

Nannas vs the other side(?)

CB, CG, DC, TK, TW, TH, AW. goals??? (sorry)

I’m in a haze of post nanna weekend. There was a (terrifying) flying fox. There was a fire. And a pig. There was some table tennis. There was some french toast. It was the best catered for weekend that one could dream. There was magic. And there were stains. Did it all really happen?

I believe it did happen, because I can’t remember anything of the game. The part of my brain normally assigned match memory, has instead been assigned basic motor skills, cleaning teeth and tying shoelaces.

The nannas were up 3-0 at half time. It was a physical game. Lots of pushing. Someone got a yellow card. Someone kicked a nice pass. Someone else got a yellow card. By game-end the entire nanna squad had a code violation. In classic nanna form, we stopped playing at half time and the opposition beat us 5-3.

Post game we drank at Meyers Place. They had no cabana platters. This topped off a dismal loss.

I’m on a horse.

Match Report 2010_08_05

match report

vs ??
lost 2-4
CB MOM,DC,RH,TH,TW,JH,AW,TK

Oh man, after a Man Weekend I am meant to remember shit. I close my eyes I see the ears, nose and clean white teeth of the piglet we consumed. What I can do? Come on there must be something there. Some hazy image or a snatch of conversation? Or perhaps a hazy snatch and an image of a conversation? Nup, nothing. It was cold.. real cold.. No, I’m just making it up now.

What about the Man weekend eh? Perhaps that is more important to catalogue. Let’s see.. Goalshooting (won by TH), Relay (TK,TH,CB), Discus (CG-controversially or DC- non-controversially), Intra Big Ball (Gold Team:CB,TW,JH,TK), Intra Small Ball (Gold Team), Dodgeball (Unknown), Can Hold (TK), Robot Hand Shandy (Boomers:CG,AW,TH), House of Cards (AW), Personal Sharing On Mic,PSOM, (tie:AW,DC), Table Tennis (CB), Best Barista Bitch in Balnarring, BBBB, (JH).

Please add to Man Weekend catalogue as desired..