Nannas 5 plays  Pornstars 7

CB, DC, CG, JH, RH, TH (2),  AW, TW (2)

Well, here I was, standing on the sideline watching as the game started against the same team we had played only two weeks before. They beat us 13 to 5 last time. One side of me (let’s call him Nice Jim) was hopeful, thinking, well maybe with an almost full bench of subs, and with Gill, Cocky, Chas and Tao back in the fold we could make an imprint on these bastards, maybe we could even go one better and take the little shits down a peg.

But then my other side (let’s call this one Cooker Jim)  was all like, Jesus, what if we do beat them, what would it look like having lost to them one week by a margin of eight goals and then the next week coming back and winning. For a start all my plans of restructuring the team would go astray. I would also have to put up with Cocky telling me how like Arsenal it was, you know, like the time little Cesc was out injured for most of the season, resulting in a slide down the Premiership ladder, only for him to come back and the Gunners to find some form again. I hate Arsenal. Or Tao, who I sent a text message to, after our loss last time, saying, in jest, that it was his absence that was the cause of us losing by so great a margin the week before. Or Chas, who I would have to sit down and, with our eyes locked in a deep and intense gaze, apologise for our previous dismal display.

It seemed like my text message to Tao was a good omen for he started with an early goal. Nice Jim was all happy, pushing Cooker to the side of my brain for a minute, as the thrill of being in front consumed me, forcing me to yell and scream encouragement to Tao, telling him how good he was (it’s true!)

I then came on and of course Nicey and Cooker had to take a back seat, for there are no sides, no prejudices, no hesitancy when a Nanna takes the field. A Nanna is brave and true and fights for all he is worth, to death, for, as all Nannas know, we dishonour never, ever our grandmothers or any female who we may be distantly related to.

Soon after Tao scored again and Nicey was riding pretty high but Cooker was all like, man, just settle a bit, it’s so early in the match and shit, these guys can play. But even so Nicey had it that the one chink in our opponents armour, their shit defence, was being exposed. And so it went. From two corners, Tommy stood statuesque in front of their goals waiting for a cross, which came, and which he cooly put away. I say statuesque because there he was, stationary, with literally metres of space around him. Nicey took infinite satisfaction from this seeming over-confidence from our opponents, like they thought they were so good they didn’t need to mark us or anything.  What’s more Gilla denied the opposition’s best player from what seemed a certain goal, pulling off what some would later say was the save of the whole ten years the Nannas had been playing. Could it really be true that we were beating these guys, giving them a right royal old taste of their own medicine?

I think it was four zip at this stage and old Cooker definitely couldn’t believe it, walking around muttering to himself. But then our opponents, or shall I say, one player from the opposition started to gather steam, running around us like we weren’t there. And then the inevitable happened. He scored. Even though he was on the sideline and even though there was a Nanna shadowing him, he was able to produce a stinging shot that hit the far top corner of goal. Even Gill could do nothing. We got another goal somewhere, somehow, I do not remember who it was. Five to one. And that was the way it stayed until half time.

After the interval, there was something of a change in the complexion of the match. The Nanna scoring dried up, even though we had our chances, but the opposition seemed to find not just more ball but more space with the ball. Again their whippet-like star player led the charge with many a run starting deep in his own half and finishing somewhere deep in ours.

The following are the crucial moments of that second half that decided it.

One, Tao missing a sitter in front of goal. The pass came quick, it wasn’t as well directed as it could have been, being ever so slightly behind him, but with an open goal beckoning, he stabbed at it, trying to hit it too hard, and he missed the ball entirely. As Nicey noted, the omens had changed.

Two, their whippet like star player ran past a couple of Nannas down the right. He was pushed into the far corner where he delivered a blistering cross. I was on the back post marking one of their players, and as the cross came in I reacted. Instead of stopping the ball getting to the player I was marking behind all I did was direct it into my own goal. A very low point.

Three, a foul on the edge of our box resulted in a penalty. Even though we managed to get their littlest (metaphorically speaking), most punk-arsed played sent off (a triumph for the Nannas), from the resulting free-kick the ball squeezed in between both Cocky and my legs and through for a goal.

Four, with a couple of minutes to go with the scores locked, Tommy had a chance to get our noses in front. He lobbed it over the keeper and it looked like it would go in. But it hit the crossbar and came back out again.

And how were Nicey and Cooker feeling?

Well, as you can imagine Nicey was crying. He tends to do that. Old Cooks was truly bummed too, for even he, self-interested and crazy as he is, hates it when the Nannas lose.

After though, both did laugh hysterically when the MOM was announced.

The DIRTIEST EVER! Loss 2-1 to the Esperanza (so called but were they?)

CG, JH, RH, TH(MOM), James the ring in (1 goal and =MOM)

THE PROLOGUE (The setting of the scene)

Perhaps you can pop the little door in the middle of your forehead open and enter your mind’s eye and try for understanding, for we are seeking not a person or a place but a state of being, a being of equilibrium, an equilibrium of absolute equipoise, an equipoise of complete and utter parity. Can you conceive of  such a place? can your human consciousness perform the necessary contortions to properly perceive this state where no one entity holds dominion over another? Where all is neither more nor less than all else. Where the scales will tip to neither side, the little arrow forever perfectly teetering at the impossible apex of some mentally concocted device for measuring all that is in an unerringly balanced actuality. Take your mind there now… everything is equal… everything is everything else… everything is discarnate like high altitude clouds, in fact it is high altitude clouds and you are cruising through the high altitude clouds in a Gulfstream V. Now take this non-place state of being and make it real, give it flesh, can you make this utterly flawless symmetry physical and tangible? Can you take the next step on this inner journey? I hope you can because the next step is out the side door of the Gulfstream V, for what we must do now is see what you have until now only thought of, we must witness a true state of equilibrium made actual…

CLIMATICS

… first a detour, bear this in mind dear reader as you take the journey to heart break. Due to prevailing climatic conditions being ‘La Nina’ (the girl) it was real wet, and sure that water was getting in the building, water will always find a way. The ref regularly stops the game to dry the court or the ball so no one gets hurt, isn’t that nice?

DID I MENTION THE EVENNESS?

Sure it was pretty much true stalemate Fischer vs Kasparov (however but i don’t think they actually ever played against one another). I know you’re thinking WW 1 all those trenches, no one going anywhere, neither side able to gain an advantage that was an equal stoush right? Perhaps some of you may remember the epic Crooks vs Howie armwrestle of the Nannas Man Weekend 2010, two perfectly matched specimens, neither able to win. Well trust me idiots none of that shit has a flea’s dick on the evenness of this fucking match I am writing about right now. It was even fucking Steven as. Giller let a VERY uncharacteristic fumble in in the first half and then James the Ring In got a reasonably lucky long range shot in when their goalie was blinded. I.e I’m shitting you not it was tight. Two very large granite boulders of absolutely equal weight and neither able to move the other, two similarly massive Yellowstone bison repeatedly bashing their heads against one another. No one was going anywhere, and this is how it should have ended…

THE GREAT SADNESS

We all know tradgedy, we all know robbery, we all know dirty low acts. Well Nannas present at this match know them all rolled into one like a dirty low act robbery tragedy sushi roll of major pissed offedness, that’s sharpened to a point and stabbed right in your guts and can NEVER be removed, and has to live there all your days long, not being eaten like a normal sushi roll, but fuckingwell eating YOU! Can you believe that shit? Well believe it because it s REAL! Look at Jim’s guts now, look at Rhian’s, poor old Chris Gill’s stomach is an absolute mess of eternal agony and despair and it will be for EVER! Because of what happened to us on that soccer field on that night.

GEE, SOUNDS PRETTY SERIOUS.

What was the biggest robbery ever? Jesus, look it up on Wikipedia you lazy fucker. Probably some ex P.I.R.A dude and his mates got some guns and held a bank manager’s family hostage until he got all the Manager to open the safe or some shit, or some computer dick cheese stole all the .001 cents from all the transactions at the biggest bank in the world or some shit but anyway YOU’RE TOTALLY WRONG about both those things. Who are the biggest cheats in the universe? Maybe Thierry Henry using his hand to fist the Irish, maybe Maradonna using his hand to fist the English, anyway you’re wrong about that too my friend. Beacuse what happened to the Nannas that night was both the biggest sum act robbery and the biggest dirty low cheat ever! 9 seconds to go: Big Jim goes down on a wet patch; ball goes out; cheating opposition kicks the side ball over Jim’s prone body; ref does NOT halt play; cheating opposition gets a goal. FUCK I AM PISSED OFF EVEN WRITING THOSE WORDS AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

DEALING WITH THE INEVITABLE EMOTIONAL DISTRESS

Only the finest Indian food this side of Bangalore! Yep you know it, all bets are off, the clock is reset, and all venues are fair game with the new year. Rhian took us to Aangan in deep far west Footscray and now Giller has a new girlfriend and her name is Mango Lassie.

NANNAS VS DWSFC, 4 – 1 WIN
CG, CB, DC, JH, TH, RH, AW (2)

This is one of those games I have relived over again all week. More specifically Gill coming right out of goal down the wing, and passing cross-court through an entanglement of feet. Then me just pinging the baby from a deep angle. And the goodness.

And so I’m channelling Joan Holloway, and all the are nannas suited up, pitching The Backdoor. All smoke haze and gimlets. And we’re all “working back late” in the office, slapping arse and getting carpet burn.

Don is played by Tommy, just being smooth and calm and getting the job done. Chas is Salvador, the very dapper. And so it goes, all the others nannas forming the smoothness. We’re all there. All we need is Ghee to waltz in all gangbusters and upstage the backdoor pitch with the Shadow 2000. And the client loving it.

Big props to Fi who came down for the support. We hit the Dainty after for some big plates of chilli.

Nannas VS Spartan Warriors FC, 5 – 6 loss.

Some classic greek backdoor.

I’ve wanted to for quite a while. But I waited til the wife and kids had gone to bed, and then I pulled out the laptop. Then I googled, “greek backdoor”. And I was pleasantly surprised. Then I even did an image search. The most dubious reference was a links to the “village keys”.

But there was the game. And a foggy recollection of Jim taking a corner, and not passing it nice and easy, but slamming it at me. Man that guy can release himself. And I’m thinking it’s coming too fast. Jim has just released at full throttle. And then I’m banging it into the back of the net.

Jim’s just given me the village keys and I made good use of them.

PLATINI v NANNA

6 v 4

AW(mom), RH, AW, CD, JH, CB, TK, TH

It was remembrance day, a day observed in Commonweath countries to remember the members of the armed forces who died in the war on duty since world war one. It was on this day, the 11th of November, that marked the actual day on the date of 1918 that the official end of the war was formally ended by the German signing of the Armistice.

Generally it was recognised that it occurred on the 11th day at the 11th hour on the 11th month….

It seemed that the Nannas, all men of the Commonwealth, were stuck by the awe of the day. All it would seem except Takeshi Kondo. It was he, not of the Commonwealth that strived to be the difference. The difference against a team that was clearly (on the ladder) our inferior.

It was Rhian who lead our weeping, he drew us in and began with a hug to each of the Nannas, took us aside and pressed us to …..

vs Spartan

lost 6-5

DC, CB MOM, JH, TH, AW, CG, RH

On a dusty shelf in a forgotten room of a large rambling country house shall sit one day an enormous leather bound volume entitled “Honourable Losses Sustained By The Mighty Fighting Nannas”. And yes, deep, deep inside this antediluvian tome etched in jenkem shall be the words I type this day.

For this was one of the Nannas great, honourable losses. The coach had prepared us for the sculpted pectorals and handsome countenances of this young and lusty foe. We were not swayed nor distracted by the very slight and superficial differences that could be gleaned between us and them. On the day we were very very similar. For in the breast of every Nanna that evening beat a youthful, hopeful heart encased in our own metaphorically sculpted pectorals.

Yes we took it right to them. It was almost a draw. And if it had been a draw then we would certainly have had the scent of victory in our nasal passages. But alas- No not even al, not alas at all.. but as it transpired there was no scent of victory. A sharp whiff of a draw. A profoundly honourable loss. Kudos men!

THE NANNAS versus ESPERANZA

2 v 6

CG (mom) AW, RH, JH 1, TW, CB 1, TH

Against our OLD foe, our arch rivals….the new nemesis….It was 1 ALL at the first half. Things were looking good. Admittedly I saved a couple, but we were thrusting and they were sweating…..

It was good to have the captain back, it had been a long absence for him and for the Nannas too. A rudderless course through the choppy waters of indoor pain. He looked lean and mean but like Thomas had gotten, he too was about to get a little bit older.

I was putting in pretty hard! But it was in good spirits. When the second half opened up so too did our goals that I was supposed to be defending! They slammed on a few quick one and made us look like we were all getting that little bit older and slower.

That said, we finished off with run in the legs and hope in the eyes.

Afterwards we learnt a VITAL lesson, don’t EVER hang out on the Southside. We tried to go to Red Bennies but the door bitch really was….

Thats why its called the Southside….

The look on Tao’s face as he drove off, so disgusted with me, but I have to say Tao, it was karma, meant to be….just as well the captain was not there to see another loss for the Brown Men

23 September: CG (mom), TW, JH, TH, AW (mom), and the good Guido (2).

I was fresh back from 3 weeks in Fiji. I was in rhythm with my natural cycles, the moon and the tide. This is a good place to be.

There’s a 90 kilo pig. I’m in a village on a remote island. And the village is keen to feast. The chief instructs to kill the pig. Humanely. He has no desire to kill it, and feigns an obligation to the kava bowl. “Knock it out first blow. Axe to the head. Then knife to the throat. Don’t fuck it up. Do. Not. fuck it up. I do not want to hear it”.

We lost 3-2. There was a lot of nanna absence. Few overseas. Few sick. Yep, it’s the tail end of Melbourne winter. Some absence is accounted for. Others are just hiding, quivering in a hole.

It’s 5am. The men dig a big hole, then light a big fire within it. Lots of volcanic rocks are thrown atop. All the fire is then removed. The rocks glow white hot. The pig is so big it has to be cut into pieces. These are then woven tight with palm leaves. Then thrown onto the hot rocks. Then covered in more palm leaves. Then the entire pile covered in earth. It steams hot for hours. What an aroma. And then we feast.

Gill saved numerous goals, and appeared to spend much of the game horizontal. In the air, arms outstretched, just saving goals like a man possessed. Guido, our latest regular ring-in, kicked our only 2 goals. And I had nearly ‘pussied’ the ring-in request.

It was strange to be back in civilisation and wearing shoes. But it was great to be back with the nannas on a court, kicking a ball.

THE NANNAS vs GENESIS

2 v 7

AW(Mom) CG (Mom) TH, JH, Guido, TW, ???any more???

My memory of this one is fading…..and fading fast….We were spanked really, and spanked by a team that WE spanked the week before. (Which Dan will attest to SOON). We had a ring in, we were the tight six and yet, nothing went right.

I can’t even remember who got the goals. At least we had the good ref there….Speaking of the good ref, I’m sure he wished me well for the up coming grand final. Infact I am sure he did. And I am alos sure that at drinks afterwards around the corner on Jim’s behest, Andy laid down a bet that – he bet $10 that Colling wood would lose the grand final. The one thing I am unsure of if there was any mention of odds.

As it tuned out the Grand Final was initially played between Collingwood and St Kilda and it resulted in a DRAW – it was insane. I woke up Sunday morning with a pulsing ulcer in my mouth, a testement to the stress and anxiety that ravaged my body that week.

The next week was equally tense, with no nannas game in sight we forged forward through the dirty week of a BYE (never to be mentioned out loud) and found ourselves at another grand final – you wouldn’t read about it.

COLLINGWOOD were undoubtedly the greatest team ever to touch the turf as they bitch slapped the life out of St Kilda. Heath Shaw’s save and Alan Didak’s goal and subsequent shimmy still find me hard today!

As the final siren blared my ulcer subsided and life turned a shade of amazing!

I even got a nice text from Tom at the end of it all…………….

Nannas-7 Vs Hampton FC-4

DC(3), JH(1), JM(MOM), KD(GK), TW(3)

This post was written by James Mercer who so heroically came to our rescue after just finishing a game down at the pits then riding to ours only to find out there were no subs. And to James’ credit he had written this and sent it tome before the commencement of the next game.Well done James.

Players: JH, TW, TK, Guido, Marco
Goals: JH 3, Marco 3, Guido 1, Tao
MOM: JH, Guido/Marco
Official score: Nannas 9 v opponent 6
Unofficial score: Nannas 8 v opponent 7
Time in possession: 65%
Passing efficiency: 75%
Shots on goal: 20

Pre-game
The Nannas were a paltry three. Cocky, Wal, Captain and Coach were overseas. Gill was somewhere but not willing to tell us. Chas had to do something or other, I forget. So there we were, low on number, low on Nanna love, and with most of our usual ring-ins not available. Then Tao rang a Brazilian friend who was super keen to play. What’s more he had another of his countrymen who was up for a kick.

During the warm up our Brazilians did amaze with their tricks and sideways passes and back heals. Admittedly I had only seen the Captain really attempt these things before in real life before, so you could say I am easily impressed. But then, just before kick off, one of them said, ‘the best way to play is everyone start from the back and just continually counterattack.’ Needless to say I was wetting my pants with anticipation.

The game
The game that transpired was always going to go in the Nannas favour. We had most of the ball (even though in the first five minutes of the second half it seemed like we would never see it again). The passing was crisp and most of the time well directed. We did let in some very simple goals (which for the most part were of our own making), but our defence was only truly opened up on one or two occasions but on these occasions the opposition was greedy in front of goal and we were lucky that most of the time they chose to shoot instead of crossing to a team mate (who, by the way, would stand there yelling at his avaricious team mate). The most telling thing was how easily we could get free from our markers leaving us with heaps of time when a pass did come. For two of the three goals I scored, the ball found me in acres of space where I had lots of time to steady and shoot. This time and space can be put down to one thing: the control we had in possession and the threat this posed to the opposition. Usually our opponents know that when playing us, the ball, sooner rather than later, will come back to them via an over ambitious one-touch, a needless attempt at something fancy or just the sheer one dimensionality of our play—we only know one way of attacking—forward quickly and at all costs—so they know what to expect and where the ball will be. In short, we’re not hard to pick off. Not this time. Because we held onto the ball and because we were able to move and position ourselves around that possession, we did to our opposition what most good teams do to us—wait until an opportunity presented itself, then exploit it without mercy.

Analysis
There has been a faction in the Nannas that have been advocating for a new style of play for some time now. I say forget that, this would be very much like trying to teach old dogs new tricks. What the Nannas need is a playmaker and instead of trying to invent one out of current stock, we should just bring in some talent. Indeed, as the transfer window deadline approaches we need act and act quickly. The only question that remains is do we go to ten Nannas or do we sell in the transfer window? Upper management?

At Vodka Borsch and Tears. Guido cooked on this night. Missing link is Marco.

vs Platini
Won for the game (FF) The practice game 4-7
CB(1), DC(2), TH (Coach), TW(1), JH, AW, TK(Goalie Mom)

Hearing one and knowing ten, we are back in Wesley.

We are in a new division in the new season. The Div is called 2/3.
What is going on!!? I noticed that the world became a little crazier after the weekend…
However, there are lots of old best enemies to test out our new skills and new strategies which we gained in the man weekend (except brain memory)
Now we play smarter as a unit.

The first impression was the improvement of the pass works. I can see all of us are focusing on finding space, creating space, trusting the team more than before and positioning ourselves right way. As we often having the shots from far back of the penalty area, this new strategy is the way of the victory. We score goals because we have good fire power. But we understand that it is not good enough to win.

I witnessed that there are so many beautiful cross passes and quick one two passes. Some of them looked like a Toss juggling. It worked beautifully as you just felt or imagined. We had a great test run this night. The downside of the new style is “We are not used to run back to the defence position from this practice”.

We might need to add Aikido’s most deadly technique “The defence is to deflect the enemy’s power then create the chance to attack” + The second last person from back needs to position better to stop the counter attacks. I do not know how? This could be our next challenge.

My personal quest “Where is best table BBQ for Nannas?” still continue. We went to a Korean BBQ near Brown ally and Goldfinger. The striker loved the Soju and had a happy time.

Match report 12 August 2010

Nannas vs the other side(?)

CB, CG, DC, TK, TW, TH, AW. goals??? (sorry)

I’m in a haze of post nanna weekend. There was a (terrifying) flying fox. There was a fire. And a pig. There was some table tennis. There was some french toast. It was the best catered for weekend that one could dream. There was magic. And there were stains. Did it all really happen?

I believe it did happen, because I can’t remember anything of the game. The part of my brain normally assigned match memory, has instead been assigned basic motor skills, cleaning teeth and tying shoelaces.

The nannas were up 3-0 at half time. It was a physical game. Lots of pushing. Someone got a yellow card. Someone kicked a nice pass. Someone else got a yellow card. By game-end the entire nanna squad had a code violation. In classic nanna form, we stopped playing at half time and the opposition beat us 5-3.

Post game we drank at Meyers Place. They had no cabana platters. This topped off a dismal loss.

I’m on a horse.

test post

Anyway pretty much what happened was the coach said “dick slapper” where upon: Cocky did visual representation (including mouth), Chas and Jim had a ‘moment’, Tao looked on like he’d never heard the word before, Captain tried to smirk it out like he was above it all, Takeshi stared in wonder at the moment that Chas and Jim were having and the concept rang so true with Andy that he could not contain himself. Meanwhile the iPhone focused beautifully on the floor.

First geotag, dang
that is some next level shit…

*edit – ok captain we need to update the theme to one that supports geotagging, the nannas need that shit, this is where we go all AR on it’s arse…

this is a test

Nanna’s 7-4 Yeth

CG(G), TH, RH(1), JH(4), CB, TW(2)(MOM)

I looked up the meaning of Yeth and the following is what I found:

1.     Yeth
1. A synonym in the northeastern United States for marijuana, hash, and all drugs containing THC. Encompasses all types of marijuana; everything from shitty outdoors and beasters to potent strains. 2. To smoke marijuana.

1. Fuck… we’re all out of yeth. Does anyone want to match me on a slice?
2. Turn off the lights, turn on Pink Floyd, and let’s yeth a blunt.

2.     Yeth
The embellished version of saying “Yes”.

Also, how a person with a lisp might say “Yes”.

1. Yeth, you sure did the number on that mofo.

3.     Yeth
To masturbate furiously
Oh yeth!

1. I just yethed that motherfucker!

Not sure which one best describes the guys we played that night but it doesn’t really matter because the Nanna’s were on fire…. oh yeth we were. Some of the best passing across court I think I’ve seen the Nanna’s ever do and even when the pass wasn’t given there was nearly always someone there just in case it was needed. This wasn’t classic Nanna’s this was Nanna’s of new, champagne Nanna’s for our tenth almighty year.

nannashutong.MOV

Nanna’s 6-1 VJFC
DC(2)(MOM), TH(GK)(MOM), CB, RH, AW, TW(2)(MOM)

The hat-rick of nights. It was a hat-rick as 3 Nanna’s scored 2 goals each and it was a hat-rick that 3 Nanna’s basked in the glory of the MOM and it was possibly a hat-rick that Chas chose yet another closed venue. Ok, the last one may have been the 4th or 5th time, I can’t remember. Ok all that stuff I just said was stretching a long bow but hey hard to top Tom’s rant.

When I arrived at the pits that night I noticed the only other team downstairs warming up were in their german uniforms and thought “shit I hope we’re not playing them as we could get done nice and hard like the socceroos did in the world cup”. As it turned out we did them nice and hard. It was Nanna gold that night. Coming together as a team to take down the enemy.

Special mention has to go out to Thos who only let one through, as well the defence that kept our goalie (in the waiting) out of harms way. The passing was exceptional and the control of the ball on the night was extraordinary. Great passes across goals that most of the time lead to points on the board.

I hope everyone is recording their favourite matches from the world cup and watching them before every game we play in the future as it certainly seems to help.

indeed, Old King Lions third set of balls were swinging with a pendulous grace. I would also add that the Urchins were displaying some very nice linkup work in the midfield, those weeks spent hunkered in the shadows of each others jockstraps shunning their brother nannas must have fostered a special understanding of each others bodily rhythms which they have brought back to the court of battle… ahem.. yes. It was also Jim’s birthday (and Rocket’s) but Jim was sick so he didin’t get his special present from the Nannas, which was a shame. It was Chassies turn to cook and he chose somewhere that was closed…again, so we went to Prudence and drank some watery piss coloured beer that Peter’s minions were trying to pass off as Kirin while discussing options for the Nan’s ten year anniversary hoody.

Nannas 6 vs V J F C 1
2 goals each to DC, TW, and RH (is this right?)
with TH(GK), CB and AW making just as valuable contributions

Time stamp this bitch with all the world cup shit that‘s happening cos Old King Lion went Portuguese on their North Korean arses.

Old King Lions ball’s were at home minding the children and Old King Lion’s other balls had hurt their ball back so Old King Lion’s third set of balls – who btw don’t get out that much, mostly just sitting around looking at the action the other ball sets are getting so that when they get the call they’re like; “wtf? I gotta balls on and be balls all of a sudden? I gotta work the semen up the cremaster to the vas deferens or some shit? I kinda remember how to do that. Where’s my other knee pad?” – had to step up. Well truth be told set of balls number 3 had it pretty easy, like being the balls in a banging a super hot lingerie model equation it wasn’t that hard to do – a lot of soft shots and easy smack downs. Set of balls number 3 liked what he saw on the field too, lots of hustle, lots of desire, lots of smooth flowing play. In fact it wasn’t only the balls in goals ballsing up, the whole fricken team was ballsing right up if you don’t mind sir – and read between the lines peoples (the lines in this case being the oppositions name which being as it was V J F C [acronymously Va Jina Fanny Crack])- and what do balls do when faced with such an entity? Why what is their very nature of course; the only thing they can do for it is a hard wired into the core of their being; THEY GET THEIR COARSE PUBICITY ALL UP IN THAT VAGINAL BUSINESS .Yeah that’s right balls right up in your face it aint pretty but it’s real.

How is the taste?

Silence…
Thanks Andy.

Nannas versus Annual
Result N 3: A 8
Attendees: AW, James, JH, TK, TH, TW

These have been strange times for the Nannas. Yes we have been under manned. Yes there is too much art going on for my liking (I especially dislike people who go to Sydney for some artsy fartsy something or other. Sydney? Jesus!) Yes there has been ring ins. Yes it is a new season. But, in spite of all of that the Nannas, on this evening at least, something was missing.
I think I noticed it when I scored my first goal. The ball went into the back of the net. There was silence from the opposition — to be expected. There was silence from our side too. I mean come on: it was a freaking great goal. I took the ball in mid court, shifted it onto to James, who shot it back to me as a ran on, leaving me one on one with the keeper — no contest.
But the signs were there earlier too. It was all about soft goals, soft goals, soft goals. Sure, the Annual usually deal in soft goals but on this night, soft turned to real soft, and as they scored again and again they just got softer and softer. Granted, they did have a new player, who was particularly skilled but we have faced off with far better equipped opponents than us before. We do it almost every week. But like NSW playing against the Maroons, we were always going to lose, we were always going to be a step, goal behind. Not a very happy statement but a true one.
Anyhow, I think I shall stop this lament now before I get real upset and start talking about how I miss my absent brothers in arms, and how I hate the bright lights of the beached capital of Australia, and how I hate passing years and their toil for not much reward, like any true Tiger, Carlton or Collingwood fan would know, and how the Nannas are still a strong beast if we could get some continuity and a structured game plan and a regular starting line-up but then I think that this is the beauty of the Nannas, that ugly multi-headed beast that has many sides and many personalities, which will fight and pull at each other as much as it will any opposition or ref, and how when that that mixture really becomes an amalgam of many but commensurate parts the Nannas can really play, and while some might say that the Nannas haven’t learnt much over the years and our style of play has become predictable and our opponents know only too well, I have to say that such a line is a travesty to all Nannas and I never said it, and if I did I recant.

Fairfax Theatre, Arts Centre May 20-29.
Review, Martin Ball

THEATRICAL props come in many shapes, but surely few are as intriguing as Mark Cuthbertson’s inflatable sea urchin. This curious object, symbolising a creature designed by nature to destroy intruders, is the eponymous inspiration for Urchin, the inaugural production by new company Encyclopaedia of Animals.

Urchin takes as its point of departure the idea that ”fear” lurks within us. Creators Christopher Brown and Rhian Hinkley explore the powerful motivations fear inspires through a series of increasingly bizarre scenarios. The piece meanders at times and never really arrives at a particular conclusion, but the dramatic journey results in stunning theatre.

Central to its success are the performances. David Tredinnick and Christopher Brown deftly build a texture of ironic commentary on desire, but it is Merfyn Owen who really shines, displaying virtuosic control of his oral delivery. From his initial snake oil spiel to his final embodiment as a Latin-singing shamanistic pastor, Owen is thoroughly mesmerising. Jethro Woodward’s intelligent soundscape complements with suave melodies and savage noises.

4 – 5 versus D W S Fc

CG (1)(mom), JH (1), AW, TW, TK, Jim (ring in), Dom (1) (ring in) own goal (1)

Soooooooo close. We played the top of the table, we were VERY undermaned. We were steeled for the game. Tao had to call up some ring ins and then me and Andy turned up out of the blue. At least we had two interchange players. It still did not change the fact that things were tough for the brown men of Melbourne.
It was the near cellar dwellar against the top of the table. You know the team the one with the guy with grey hair in it! As things turned out, our ring ins proved to have a few moves up their sleeves. They were good at holding the ball, and laying off a little love. As it turns out Jim was so taken by them he wanted to instate them into the brown fold. Luckily Andy swooped with the rule 12.2 that all Nana applications closed 10 years ago. Maybe Jim is just fishing for new meat. (sorry Chas)
We came out swinging adn got two quick goals that set them on their ass…..Then they came back to level at 2 all by half time. We were doing all right till now. The second half started and we were really flying. It was almost anti nanna behaviour. We quickly went one up when a gaolie trough baffled everybody and flew through the hands of their keeper, only to knock his left nut on the way through. Yes, cheers of badness from the ladies in the crowd. Then they got an own goal and we were really smiling. Perhaps, smiling too much!
There gun forward, (Who we found out later played outdoor for Australia at the last world cup!), pulled a move on Jim that will go down in his anals of history. He stripped the ball from Jim, pulled his pants down, and wacked his johnson on the way past, then he pulled a side step on another nanna and then slotted a top left corner killer. This set up a mini avalanche of three unanswered goals that realllllllly reallllllly hurt.
To make matters worse, dinner was postponed, through lack of browness….
So Close, so disappointing…..