Attendees: CB, DC, CG, JH, TH, AW

Goals: CB 2, DC 2, JH 3

Result: Nannas 7 plays #$%^&* 2

The second game of the season and the Nannas had something to prove. The week before we drew with a weakened Annual outfit, letting an equaliser in, in the last minute. It was shitful. It was heinous. It was an abomination. As you can see, I am having some trouble letting go of the hatred I feel at such a miserable result.

So we lined up against a new opponent. They looked competent in the warm-up (never a good indicator), but as Andy said in the warm up, ‘I don’t care who they are, it’s time they got ripped a new arsehole.’

The Nannas were six, the perfect size, and made up of some very brown men.

Gilla took up his customary place in goals. GHBG’ed he may not have been but his glare was steely, his tracky dacks stained and his hair resolutely fluffed.
Cocky was at the opposite end and his return to the field of battle has been good for the Nannas. If he is not hitting keepers in the face with shots, he is at least creating an outlet up front where there previously was none.
Chassy and Andy prowled midfield. The two complemented each other nicely. Andy is all sneak, his best trick getting in behind oppositions, especially newbies who don’t know of the terror of his backdoor raids and scything right foot.
Chassy played the classic everyone at once role. Like Nick Reiwolt he does seem to be carrying an injury at the moment, but unlike the Saints spearhead he would never let this get in the way of a fine game.
Tommy and I guarded our rear end. Tommy started from middle right, making many a lumbering run through the middle, while I penetrated from deep, down the left hand side.

The first half was a classic arm wrestle, with neither side taking a clear cut advantage. We got two past them: one from my head from a long Gill throw; Chas got the other, being Johnny on the spot to slam home into an open goal after Cocky caused a bit of mayhem up front.

They did get one back on us but chasms were beginning to open up in their defense. It seemed like they did have a lot of possession in that first half but as both Tommy and I later agreed our defense was never really threatened. They had little cohesion and their best player repeatedly went himself and then made jokes after we scored goals on the rebound (after about the sixth goal and he knew he was beaten he got decidedly grumpy, which was something of a highlight).

The second half came and the Nannas swiftly got on top. Possession swung in our favour dramatically and it was only a question of if we could put it on the board, and, put them away.

Again and again our passes stuck and with time and space we lined up for shot after shot on goal. Cocky had more chances to poke home than a stud bull in springtime but he either had trouble hitting the target or was thwarted by their keeper. His best effort was a toe hack from straight in front that zipped past a number of their defenders and was heading for the top right corner until their shot stopper miraculously got the ends of his fingers to it.

From corner restarts resulting from some of these awry shots, I was able to slot home twice, latching onto passes delivered by a most benevolent Chas.

Then Cocky finally got on the score sheet, slotting home from a most difficult angle. He later commented that he was trying to cross the ball but it didn’t look that way.

There were two other goals scored by Chas and Cocky but right now I cannot seem to recall them.

Afterward Chassy cooked but I had a date with the 9:15 to Bendigo. Even so, this Nanna went home well satisfied with his evening’s work.

NANNAS V third street saints

7   :    1

TH, CG(mom), JH(mom), AW, TK, TW, DC, CB

Three main points surfaced after this game, Dan and Andy basically pashed at a restaurant. I am a 70’s vagina and the third thing was…………….oh its all such a haze. Maybe I should start at the beginning.

We faced some newbies. Its always a cherished moment to pop some teams cherries like you do the hope hopes and dreams of innocents. They still walked off the courts happily, but they realised they came up against an extremely skillful (old) opponent. We smashed them. However it should be pointed out that at half time the score was 2:1 in our favour.

It wasn’t until the second half that we found our rhythm. We were snapping passes like a dirty old man at the royal melbourne show. In fact the goals were so flowing that it seems like a Lionel Messi training drill in my mind. We just kept popping them in.

Let it be noted too that we had a new ref. This ref was great, young, but great, he took it seriously and made the game actually quite enjoyable. Then it was Chassy turn to cook.

Chassy took us to the swinging RICE QUEEN, where we were great by Ingrid busting out some sultry cocktail vocals accompanied by Olaf on keys and a cat on bass. It was quite a way to prepare for dinner. Obviously chassy had spent his afternoon blogging madly, but he came up trumps. Whilst the waiter was mildly insane, the food was ok and the tunes rolled all night.

Then there was the EDUMAME incident. Dan had turned his back only for a moment, and that was all it took for Andy to suck the beans out of his edumame pod and mistakenly throw the skin in the WRONG bowl. Then Dan reached in and sucked on Andy’s old bean, to then declare that he just sucked on a used skin. Andy may have well have spat in Dan’s mouth. He may well have licked the inside of Dan’s cheeks. He almost sucked on his tongue like a baby on a teat. As soon as the words fell out of Dan’s mouth, he realised he mistake. The truth was out and that jus made the realisation all the more funky. No wonder he made me take him out for a walk.

All that aside, the excitement is all about this week, as we have the return of REACHAROUND. All I can say is – beware any member of any opposition that play against the proud brown men. If you feel something reaching around, don’t look down, if you don’t see it happen, maybe it never did. Just like if Dan never mentioned about the Edumame, it would maybe have never happened.

110811: No byes, does anybody know what that means anymore?

110804: 4-3 loss to the Annual in a loser’s semi final
DC, CG, JH, TK, TW, TH(MOM)

110729: Beach Box Poker

110828: 4-4 Loss to ??
DC(MOM), CG, TW, CB, RH, JH, TH

-The Disgrace
FIDDLER ON THE FUCKING ROOF, I’m taking the above incidents in the order they appear so the major angriness can come out and then we’ll get on to the good times, so like I said FIDDLER ON THE FUCKING ROOF, that’s what it felt like to be the only one with my balls on the table when every other Nanna walked away to get their nuts buffed in private, there I was all my mess downstairs hanging out with a grin on my face like the kid a primary school whose just told the classroom his crack is caked with unwashed dags and gets not the: “oh that happens to me all the time”, or “this underlines the importance of correct rectal hygeine” with a friendly smile and a pat on the shoulder type responses that one expects from one’s brothers in arms, but rather the room looks at him like he’s just professed his deep and undying desire to skull fuck little baby kittens and that’s the best possible thing in the world – THAT’S HOW I FELT GODDAMNIT NO BYES USED TO MEAN SOMETHING!!!!

-The Other Disgrace
Loser’s semi finals. Who. Gives. A. Shit? Well we all jolly well should because if we keep going down to those dickless phase-wannabes we’re gonna need a mjor skin graft to repair our knees and a high pressure water cleaner to get all the dick sauce off our faces. And we don’t want to be remembered as kneeless blowhards with you-know-what caked inches deep all over our features. I know it was a close game, I know it could have gone either way, I know we played well, but fuck all that shit I want to win, we got to get back that winning edge, the fucking hunger and desire. Step up. Take responsiblity. Make everything you do out there count. And fuckingwell own any bitch who dares step to us.

-The NOT Disgrace
I tell you what, if the comp was about having a good time with your brothers we would smash any bastard out there. We’d be the Manchester U and Barca of that shit combined. I’m telling you if Charlie Sheen called Rob Lowe, fucking that President of Italy with the ‘bunga bunga’ parties, Don Simpson, goddamned the whole of Mötley Crüe from their prime in the early 90s and had a beach box poker night – and I don’t care that they have Heidi Fleiss on speed dial, or that guy Johnny Depp play’s in the movie “Blow” backing dump trucks of yayo up to the beach box, and all the midgets and the cheese sauce and the vapourisers from “Bored to Death – they wouldn’t have done it as good as we did it. It. Was. Outstanding. And I commend every Nanna for making it so. Military like precision in maximising the amount of time having the finest of times.

-Something else
There was another game – Cock the Hammer said it all – perhaps a limerick:

There once was a team ‘o’ so brown
On the Annual they always went down
The Coach he did roar
“NOT ANY MORE!
It’s their turn on our jizz to drown”

3-3 vs DWS fc
CB 1,DC 1,TW 1,AW,JH,TH,TK,CG
MOM CB,CG

It was an early game. 6pm to be precise. But the Nannas still managed to field an impressive squad of 8. Only the Captain was absent. Unable to extract himself from the bewildering length of lightly soiled lycra he found himself enmeshed in, he resigned himself to yet another night in a small inner city theatre moulding dancers’ lithe bodies into amusing shapes while gently caressing his own date and crying heartily into his portable projector.

But enough about the Captain. What a night of nights. Possibly the greatest draw ever. Looking at the points table for our competition, it can be observed that DWS fc (and no even they do not know what DWS stands for) have only had one draw. Against us. Sure they’ve lost three times (once against us), but never had they drawn. Until tonight. Incidentally I looked up DWS and it’s true even their website doesn’t seem to know what it means. Let’s just refer to them as the Dandy Walker Syndromes or if you prefer, Driving While Suspended.

It must be mentioned at this point that we had considerable numbers in the members stand. The full contingent of Brownsmiths plus Marek the Eel were in attendance and they lifted the Nannas’ spirits and pushed us on. At one point we were down 3-1. Tao got our first goal. The writer put a ground grubbing left through the field for the Nannas second goal and Cocky followed this up with a lovely finish to put us level. We were (in the parlance of B-more street hustlers) back in the game.

We held on. We played it tight. We drew. Revelatory.

Afterwards Cocky had to self abort his meticulously planned three stage early game post match festivities due to El’s freeform car exiting resulting in the world’s best 0. Meanwhile Gilly got an unofficial 6 for his Thai hookup in Carlton.

Nannas vs DWS

CG, CB1, TW1, DC,1 RH, JH, AW, TK, TH

3 v 3

Billed as the greatest draw in the history of brown. The nannas faced the old opponent (in all senses of the word). The DWS crew came bounding out of the gates, with a new recruit. Someone who was so good we won’t even use the word good. It doesnt come close to describing him. He was a latino I think, very good with his feet, able to turn at the blink of an eye. He cracked them into the lead with frightening precision.

The game was viewed by the Brown-Smith family and they provided us with great emotional support. Boy did we need it. I think the half time score was 3 -1 to them. We looked and felt shot, however, the resolve of the nannas is nothing if not INCREDIBLE. First Chris Brown stood up and scored then big Danny Crooks came and released, right in the goal mouth.

Seconds remained, the crowd was screaming, the sweat was streaming and they were pushing like freaks. The heat was on and the Nannas remained strong. Proud and brown.

Their big angry grey haired guy was pushing on a forward thrust and it was parried only to be accidentally pushed back in front of goal. The grey haired dude could have won the game but was busy yelling at his teammates. Let this be a lesson about NEVER yelling at your teammates.

I would have stopped his goal attempt anyway.

Then came the calamitous cook off from Cocky. Faced with the responsibility of cooking he then took a phone call and had t run away. The 0 he recieved was harsh, but that is what the Nannas are – harsh and brown.

I then took the reins and did a perfect 6 cook, that was judged unofficial.

Nannas Vs Vagabundos

1    vs  4

CG, RH, TW (1), TK, AW, JH, CB

Coach TH

They behaved better this time. No crying and diving which last week would have SHAMED their family’s family’s. It was an embarrasing game to be a part of.

We walked away with trepidation at the next match the following week with them, thinking would it be worse, it couldn’t be, surely! AS things turned out it was better. The number of dives were down, they didn’t get as angry, however, a few of them would not shake hands after the game. That speaks volumes…..

This week began with a warm up game that our goalie took part in. In fact our goalie played WITH oz the ref, thinking all was tight. How wrong he was. AFter going down a goal early. Jim got a free kick and then slotted it through. The ref DISALLOWED the goal with the ghost of Pete Circuit freaking out! From there the game was emotionally lost. We held them to that single goal for a half. They had lots of shots but couldn’t penetrate.

The second half was fiery adn at one point it was 2:1 to them and we were coming. However, they got a few more and that kind of killed us off. It was a good performance by the Nannas. To hold that team was good. They make us play better. There was really some great defence shown. Great running and really tight pressure. We did lack on the shooting front, but hopefully Cocky will stop this “I’ve got a sore back” farce….

Then the night stepped up. Takeshi took us to a 24 hour KO – Rhian joint with no name and no address, just a hazey description of some chick who’d be there..she sounded hot.

We turned up, Jim got loose and started being inappropriate. He kept thinking he was playing soccer on the waitress and was like, “Guy Fraser’s allowed the reacharound, why not me?” Then he stood up on the table only to forget why he was there. It was a bit embarrasing for us all, but I think it reflected favourably on Takeshi’s votes. Jim apparently had the night of his life. Like he’d had before. and he WILL have again.

Maybe all Nannas can dress in plastic for the NEXT night of Jims life.

Nanna’s Vs Allens FC 6-3 Win

CG (Goals), RH (Captain)(2), AW (1), CB (1), TW (3), TH (Head Coach), DC (Ass. Coach)

A night of not quite true Nanna form. While we didn’t start all that well, going 3-0 rather quickly, it didn’t take too long before the Nanna’s pulled out a few of those tricky ‘oh my god how did that get through’ kind of goals that we are famous to get us back into winning hope.

By half time we had crawled back to 3 a piece. Luckily not to go down by anymore with our pitbull player Chassy playing with a strained groin or hammy or something. As we came off at half time Chassy let us know of his injury and, not wanting to let the team down, was willing to get back out there. Seeing as we already have 2 out to injury no one wanted to see Chassy take that risk but being down a player we grabbed funky Phil to come and have a run.

This put a new pace on things and Phil played a very generous and cruisy game. Weaving thru a few of the opposition and then passing across to a waiting Nanna to slot it in. Andy was one of those, with some fantastic running down the back side on more than one occasion, and I was a recipient of another.

One of the opposition then went out injured and Phil, being the sportsman he is, left the field also to make it an even 4 on 4. At this stage the Nanna’s kicked another goal and managed to stop anymore of theirs getting thru.

The oppositions 5th player came back on for a short while, as did Phil, but it was pretty much all over by then.

Nannas took it home with a 3 goal victory over the Allens not even allowing them to score in the second half.

After the match we went to celebrate in one of the coldest places in Melbourne. Some may say it was the most isolated bar on earth but actually it was just the furthest bar right at the arse end of the Docklands. Yes there was a point given for originality but for my money any place that has to have multiple 52” TVs hanging on its walls has already got something missing. It was a good try Hinkley but not good enough to topple the top.

Big thanks to 2 special Nanna’s that came to help with the move over the weekend. You know who are. Big kisses.

Loss to Hampton St Fc
0-8

CB, RH, TW, Brendan, TK

The traffic was really bad again this evening. All drivers were blasting the horns led by their frustration and the cold dry wind was blowing to take the last warmth from everyone’s heart. It was like a night something bad may happen. I saw a lot of kids trying to get help on the street. Some of them were screaming. Some of them were crying. I could not do anything. I could not save anyone. It was a strange night.

kudos for TW kicked a beautiful goal. The ball hit the net hard but ref canceled the goal because one of us was kicking the other team same time.

Nannas v Pornstars 5:4 loss

TH(mom), CB 2(mom), CG gk(mom), JH 2(mom?), RH, TW, AW, DC (coach)

Like we are starting to live up to our stalinist paper doilie trademark and give a little communist respect to our little sham. OUt of the seven on field and eight brown men in total, 4 were judged to be the spokespeople of our generation. It is really only Cocky who will be able to tell us of the mathematical probability of all of us sharing best on ground.

The game was good, but as the result suggests, not great. WE were close but as one of them took a MONSTEROUS totally pussy (do I play for Italy) dive they got a penalty, in the end, it was this act of immorality that was the difference between the two teams. I hope that little man hasn’t slept a wink since then.

The team is still funkional but we do need a little something…..maybe a VICTORY! Where the fuck is it? What thefucks going on? Last season we couldn’t lose, save for the crap administration of the comp who kept trying to penalise us for being too fonky. (Not dissing the ref though!)

The new chapter of the brown machine is the cooking. I spent all day and most of the game FREAKING out about the cooking. I had to go super conservative and went with an old local. It was this which proved sound with the Nannas even if Chassy didn’t like me filling up his drink every ten minutes.

5-4 Loss to Pornstars

TH(mom), CB 2(mom), TK gk(mom), JH 2(mom?), RH(mom?), TW, AW, DC (coach)

So many moms, like home time at kindergarten, like the waiting room at the Royal Children’s Hospital, like free knitting wool day at Costco…

Once when the Nannas were child Nannas not knowing the toughness of the game, or angles of a futsal pitch, or what brown meant we all used to spend our Thursdays getting drunk and doing hot knives at Rhian’s and Pete’s and Chassy’s and Little Hazey’s and Lisa Carol Bayer Sager’s and Janet’s “warehouse” in Alfred Lord Sir Tennyson st. Rhian would make a bbq out of left over asbestos, lead, mercury, carbon fibre and other noxious rare earth elements and then fire it up using treated pine and dried out lost dog cadaver’s that he processed into long burning brick-dog-ettes using techniques from Dunedin that’s saved the South Island many a time from the ravages of an Antarctic winter, made worse by the fact that they’d clear felled all the burnable wood to make room for pot plantations and back yard stills. Cocky would, by necessity, do double the drugs of anyone else and throw in an exotic hallucinogen for good measure and then proceed to attempt to document the experience by whatever means of technology he had found in a dumpster or managed to scam from a funding body or arts benefactor. About 15 minutes in to Cocky’s attempted documentation Janet would get angry with him, for little or no reason other than he was failing to show her the attention she desired. I used to ride my bike through the park from North Melbourne, pick up some sausages and beer on the way and try to chat up the single ladies. Even back then I was tactical, I used to worry about the long term effects of a bbq made from barium combined with arsenic smoked supermarket sausages, whilst trying to keep my pot and beer consumption below that of my body weight. They were the golden days, the halcyon days of good times and stacking your bike drunk. We nearly scored an abandoned convertible Alfa Romeo, Rhian had a PC and everyone’s erections lasted forever. Yep…

CB 2, CG, RH, AW, TH, JH 2, TK, DC(coach)
COOK CG

Nannas vs Pornstars

Won 5 – 4
History is a strange thing. It sometimes does not tell the truth. We know about that. We know our text books do not tell the truth of your country. Never mind. Someone must love making a complicated things. We have to like the fact people write things for fun.

OK lets’ find out what happened this night. Fortunately, we have 4 nannas voted as the witness. The 4 way MOM confused the APISC a little bit but see how it goes.

Story
This night was started as edgy. The traffic was bad. Too many things had to be done for the charity GIG. I know I won’t be able to sleep next day and night. So I was a bit everywhere and nicely frustrated for the run.

Only things I could think in the game were “Run and pass then run to get the pass. Mark up and never let the person go through” This made me really simple. It worked. It seemed that all Nannas were doing own job well this night. The simplicity made the night. JH- long range shoot 2 goals (one was touching the top of the goal post), CB – running and squeezing in (2 goals), DC – yelling and directing, AW- accurate back door pass, TH- Hell defence, CG – jumping catch, RH- amazing head + leading the game. When everyone does good work in own area. It works. Hey 4 way MOM shows the co-operated result. right?

BPBD back in town to help the nannas out on the court, came very close a couple of times but unfortunately no cigar…

nb: actual post date = 22 Nov 2012 but backdated for your viewing pleasure

Nanna’s lose 3-4 Vs The Pepper Shakers

DC(Coach), TH, RH(Capt.), CB, CG(G), AW, TW (MOM)

Well I will have to say that I got away unscathed for not putting up my match report prior to the game. This was a test Nanna’s to see who was paying attention and I’m afraid you all failed.

So it was pretty lucky I wrote this the next day after the game and saved it so I could remember every little detail……………………….. except I didn’t.

Here’s what I do remember. The Nanna’s came out fighting pretty hard in the first half and we kept our own. Pretty much thought we had these guys, as we often do. Though it wasn’t entirely our own classic second half Nanna fault as The Red Peppers lifted their game and really brought it home. They had some fancier foot work they were saving for the second half that took us by surprise again, and again.

Still we managed to keep it tight and the only thing that really brought us down that night was our passing. To many pussy little passes either not hard enough to each other or kicked straight to the opposition. We have to make those passes count. Not so hard that they can’t be controlled but not so soft that they don’t even make their target. We are better than that Nanna’s. We are NANNAs!!!!

The Nannas vs DWS

6 -4

TIght is right is a phrase oft used by brown men. And it was used again, it was used by the Nannas and it was used by our new cheerleader Marek. He was so hard about our win he had to leave early!

In fact the ref had to go up to him during the game and ask him to turn it down a little bit. I got to say though that his pompom work was nothing short of INCREDIBLE! Its like there is a factory in NZ pumping out amazing pompom action! He was top of his class for sure.

Back to the game. We were all kicked in the guts at the thought of having to change Jim’s over. Out with the old and in with the new. It was billed as his last ever game. All week we wept and cried and howled, but you know what – he didn’t even show up! What balls of steel.

Well, the game…..yes….IT was awesome! We were incredible. They had a crap goalie early and we took full advantage and slammed on 3 quick ones. Thanks god we did really because we only won by two!

The goals were wonderful as always with Andy sneaking one in Greek style – who would’ve thought!

Cooking afterwards was done by Andy and we all hit Fitzroy and got down to teh Middle Kingdom duck styles…. Tight work Wong…

Nanna’s 12 Vs Red Peppers 2

CG (GK), CB, GM, TK, TW

Semi Finals

Nannas v Pornstars

4 v 9

TW, AW, CG, RH, TK, TH, JH

Coaches CB (emergency) DC (no chance)

Disappointing is not the word, we could search for a phrase like gutted, or turkey slapped, but disappointing is not strong enough….

The week before we came up against the Pornstars and they just “couldn’t get it up”. The seemed to be a man down, boy was that right. There was this big guy who came up and said “I heard you took care of us”, I was like yeah, “You sucked our 8 goals”, then the guy was like….”Oh, I bet it’ll be different now that I’m playing” and then I was like (under my breath) “Yeah different, now your team will be uglier!”…

Well he was right, the difference he made was significant. We did better than they did. In fact a whole lot better than 8 -0. (losers).

The higlight of the night was night was not the soccer though…It was the SUPER funky KOrhian FRIED CHICKEN! DAMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmnnnnn.

Its like the loss was just an eventful evening to get us in the mood for the KOrhian.

The presence of Andy’s fan club was great as we all tried to show off to the kids, who apparantly had to put up with a shower of swearing from dad in the car as he took a wrong turn at Albuqueque….We live and learn……

vs
won 3-1
CB 2 (MOM), TW 1, CG, TK, DC, TH, JH, AW, RH

We won this game. Good at the start. Lost it a little in the middle. Good at the end.

A blind shot from a fair way out was CB’s first goal. Blind for the goalie too. His second was a big shot that rebounded and he collected the crumb on the way through and scattered at the goal like he was finishing off a cheesy bake.

Apologies to TW. Can’t remember his goal. But then neither could he. Its quality was premium, of that I have no doubt. However its particulars escape me.

It was the full, bloated and sloppy nine. We lacked some consistency as is often the case with big ole nine. Hopefully this week the Mag

Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, disregard of all rules and sadistic pleasure in witnessing violence. In other words, it is war minus the shooting.

NANNAS vs Pornstars

8  –  0

CG 1 (mom), RH 2, DC 1, AW 1, TW 1, TH  TK, JH, own goals 2

Pornstars – HA – top of the table – HA – we should make a new name for those guys  – how about LOSERS…that’d hurt em!

The nannas really turned on the charm last night. It was a near perfect game. We played like real professionals, like dudes who were good! We came up against the best and made them look C-rap.

First half was tight at just 2 – 0 and then we came out fighting! All I can say is that our goals were all pretty good, however mention needs to be made of Rhians “goal”

With a flurry of passes the ball got spat out to Rhian in front of an empty goal. He somehow managed to funble it and put it past the post he then saw his error and saved it just before it went over the line and then slowly but surely got back to bring the ball in front of the goal and then pop it in. All this time the defence were looking at him and in real time saying “Oh he can’t fuck this up, oh wait yes he has, but no wait, maybe not, no, actually I think he might kick a goal, yes it seems he will, oh my, he did, maybe we should have stopped him……”

The rest of the night the men folk stepped out to Cherry whilst there were a few headaches elsewhere…

Teh band SASKWATCH brought the funk and Takeshi invented a new dancestep, its called the “Watchmedancemothafuckaimhavingfun”

Don’t get buddy-buddy with the opposition. If you need a buddy, then buy a dog.

The art of battle is simple enough. Find out where your enemy is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on.

It’s not bragging if you can back it up.

CB, CG, RH, JH, TH, TK, TW, AW
5-1 win

We turned up, the bloated eight ready to go hard. But our opponents were a no-show. The previous game looked tight and the two teams exhausted, but somehow the ref talked them into playing that bunch of old guys over there. They scrabbled together a couple of players from each team. youthful enthusiasm.

The game opened, and early on there was a sensational cross court pass from Kondo over to Tao, who slotted it home at point blank. Chas worked it hard and banged home a couple. The next couple gained Wal the title Iceman. The first taking the ball right up the centre, then ducking a tackle. The goalie then diving onto the ground leaving Wal to flick one over. Shortly after Wal takes on the goalie, wins the ball, then flicks another. All in slo-mo time.

The post-game festivities then moved onto another in the quiver of Takeshi’s Korean BBQ’s, just behind king st. The nannas dined with gusto. The chilli soup was rockin. The nannas all smoked out in a bbq haze. It was pretty endless. Torrential rain outside. Positively blissful.

Iceman choose not to post-post at “the ratio” (aka Alia dyke night), instead opting for a more low-key at home bunga-bunga party.

Nannas 5 plays  Pornstars 7

CB, DC, CG, JH, RH, TH (2),  AW, TW (2)

Well, here I was, standing on the sideline watching as the game started against the same team we had played only two weeks before. They beat us 13 to 5 last time. One side of me (let’s call him Nice Jim) was hopeful, thinking, well maybe with an almost full bench of subs, and with Gill, Cocky, Chas and Tao back in the fold we could make an imprint on these bastards, maybe we could even go one better and take the little shits down a peg.

But then my other side (let’s call this one Cooker Jim)  was all like, Jesus, what if we do beat them, what would it look like having lost to them one week by a margin of eight goals and then the next week coming back and winning. For a start all my plans of restructuring the team would go astray. I would also have to put up with Cocky telling me how like Arsenal it was, you know, like the time little Cesc was out injured for most of the season, resulting in a slide down the Premiership ladder, only for him to come back and the Gunners to find some form again. I hate Arsenal. Or Tao, who I sent a text message to, after our loss last time, saying, in jest, that it was his absence that was the cause of us losing by so great a margin the week before. Or Chas, who I would have to sit down and, with our eyes locked in a deep and intense gaze, apologise for our previous dismal display.

It seemed like my text message to Tao was a good omen for he started with an early goal. Nice Jim was all happy, pushing Cooker to the side of my brain for a minute, as the thrill of being in front consumed me, forcing me to yell and scream encouragement to Tao, telling him how good he was (it’s true!)

I then came on and of course Nicey and Cooker had to take a back seat, for there are no sides, no prejudices, no hesitancy when a Nanna takes the field. A Nanna is brave and true and fights for all he is worth, to death, for, as all Nannas know, we dishonour never, ever our grandmothers or any female who we may be distantly related to.

Soon after Tao scored again and Nicey was riding pretty high but Cooker was all like, man, just settle a bit, it’s so early in the match and shit, these guys can play. But even so Nicey had it that the one chink in our opponents armour, their shit defence, was being exposed. And so it went. From two corners, Tommy stood statuesque in front of their goals waiting for a cross, which came, and which he cooly put away. I say statuesque because there he was, stationary, with literally metres of space around him. Nicey took infinite satisfaction from this seeming over-confidence from our opponents, like they thought they were so good they didn’t need to mark us or anything.  What’s more Gilla denied the opposition’s best player from what seemed a certain goal, pulling off what some would later say was the save of the whole ten years the Nannas had been playing. Could it really be true that we were beating these guys, giving them a right royal old taste of their own medicine?

I think it was four zip at this stage and old Cooker definitely couldn’t believe it, walking around muttering to himself. But then our opponents, or shall I say, one player from the opposition started to gather steam, running around us like we weren’t there. And then the inevitable happened. He scored. Even though he was on the sideline and even though there was a Nanna shadowing him, he was able to produce a stinging shot that hit the far top corner of goal. Even Gill could do nothing. We got another goal somewhere, somehow, I do not remember who it was. Five to one. And that was the way it stayed until half time.

After the interval, there was something of a change in the complexion of the match. The Nanna scoring dried up, even though we had our chances, but the opposition seemed to find not just more ball but more space with the ball. Again their whippet-like star player led the charge with many a run starting deep in his own half and finishing somewhere deep in ours.

The following are the crucial moments of that second half that decided it.

One, Tao missing a sitter in front of goal. The pass came quick, it wasn’t as well directed as it could have been, being ever so slightly behind him, but with an open goal beckoning, he stabbed at it, trying to hit it too hard, and he missed the ball entirely. As Nicey noted, the omens had changed.

Two, their whippet like star player ran past a couple of Nannas down the right. He was pushed into the far corner where he delivered a blistering cross. I was on the back post marking one of their players, and as the cross came in I reacted. Instead of stopping the ball getting to the player I was marking behind all I did was direct it into my own goal. A very low point.

Three, a foul on the edge of our box resulted in a penalty. Even though we managed to get their littlest (metaphorically speaking), most punk-arsed played sent off (a triumph for the Nannas), from the resulting free-kick the ball squeezed in between both Cocky and my legs and through for a goal.

Four, with a couple of minutes to go with the scores locked, Tommy had a chance to get our noses in front. He lobbed it over the keeper and it looked like it would go in. But it hit the crossbar and came back out again.

And how were Nicey and Cooker feeling?

Well, as you can imagine Nicey was crying. He tends to do that. Old Cooks was truly bummed too, for even he, self-interested and crazy as he is, hates it when the Nannas lose.

After though, both did laugh hysterically when the MOM was announced.

The DIRTIEST EVER! Loss 2-1 to the Esperanza (so called but were they?)

CG, JH, RH, TH(MOM), James the ring in (1 goal and =MOM)

THE PROLOGUE (The setting of the scene)

Perhaps you can pop the little door in the middle of your forehead open and enter your mind’s eye and try for understanding, for we are seeking not a person or a place but a state of being, a being of equilibrium, an equilibrium of absolute equipoise, an equipoise of complete and utter parity. Can you conceive of  such a place? can your human consciousness perform the necessary contortions to properly perceive this state where no one entity holds dominion over another? Where all is neither more nor less than all else. Where the scales will tip to neither side, the little arrow forever perfectly teetering at the impossible apex of some mentally concocted device for measuring all that is in an unerringly balanced actuality. Take your mind there now… everything is equal… everything is everything else… everything is discarnate like high altitude clouds, in fact it is high altitude clouds and you are cruising through the high altitude clouds in a Gulfstream V. Now take this non-place state of being and make it real, give it flesh, can you make this utterly flawless symmetry physical and tangible? Can you take the next step on this inner journey? I hope you can because the next step is out the side door of the Gulfstream V, for what we must do now is see what you have until now only thought of, we must witness a true state of equilibrium made actual…

CLIMATICS

… first a detour, bear this in mind dear reader as you take the journey to heart break. Due to prevailing climatic conditions being ‘La Nina’ (the girl) it was real wet, and sure that water was getting in the building, water will always find a way. The ref regularly stops the game to dry the court or the ball so no one gets hurt, isn’t that nice?

DID I MENTION THE EVENNESS?

Sure it was pretty much true stalemate Fischer vs Kasparov (however but i don’t think they actually ever played against one another). I know you’re thinking WW 1 all those trenches, no one going anywhere, neither side able to gain an advantage that was an equal stoush right? Perhaps some of you may remember the epic Crooks vs Howie armwrestle of the Nannas Man Weekend 2010, two perfectly matched specimens, neither able to win. Well trust me idiots none of that shit has a flea’s dick on the evenness of this fucking match I am writing about right now. It was even fucking Steven as. Giller let a VERY uncharacteristic fumble in in the first half and then James the Ring In got a reasonably lucky long range shot in when their goalie was blinded. I.e I’m shitting you not it was tight. Two very large granite boulders of absolutely equal weight and neither able to move the other, two similarly massive Yellowstone bison repeatedly bashing their heads against one another. No one was going anywhere, and this is how it should have ended…

THE GREAT SADNESS

We all know tradgedy, we all know robbery, we all know dirty low acts. Well Nannas present at this match know them all rolled into one like a dirty low act robbery tragedy sushi roll of major pissed offedness, that’s sharpened to a point and stabbed right in your guts and can NEVER be removed, and has to live there all your days long, not being eaten like a normal sushi roll, but fuckingwell eating YOU! Can you believe that shit? Well believe it because it s REAL! Look at Jim’s guts now, look at Rhian’s, poor old Chris Gill’s stomach is an absolute mess of eternal agony and despair and it will be for EVER! Because of what happened to us on that soccer field on that night.

GEE, SOUNDS PRETTY SERIOUS.

What was the biggest robbery ever? Jesus, look it up on Wikipedia you lazy fucker. Probably some ex P.I.R.A dude and his mates got some guns and held a bank manager’s family hostage until he got all the Manager to open the safe or some shit, or some computer dick cheese stole all the .001 cents from all the transactions at the biggest bank in the world or some shit but anyway YOU’RE TOTALLY WRONG about both those things. Who are the biggest cheats in the universe? Maybe Thierry Henry using his hand to fist the Irish, maybe Maradonna using his hand to fist the English, anyway you’re wrong about that too my friend. Beacuse what happened to the Nannas that night was both the biggest sum act robbery and the biggest dirty low cheat ever! 9 seconds to go: Big Jim goes down on a wet patch; ball goes out; cheating opposition kicks the side ball over Jim’s prone body; ref does NOT halt play; cheating opposition gets a goal. FUCK I AM PISSED OFF EVEN WRITING THOSE WORDS AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

DEALING WITH THE INEVITABLE EMOTIONAL DISTRESS

Only the finest Indian food this side of Bangalore! Yep you know it, all bets are off, the clock is reset, and all venues are fair game with the new year. Rhian took us to Aangan in deep far west Footscray and now Giller has a new girlfriend and her name is Mango Lassie.

NANNAS VS DWSFC, 4 – 1 WIN
CG, CB, DC, JH, TH, RH, AW (2)

This is one of those games I have relived over again all week. More specifically Gill coming right out of goal down the wing, and passing cross-court through an entanglement of feet. Then me just pinging the baby from a deep angle. And the goodness.

And so I’m channelling Joan Holloway, and all the are nannas suited up, pitching The Backdoor. All smoke haze and gimlets. And we’re all “working back late” in the office, slapping arse and getting carpet burn.

Don is played by Tommy, just being smooth and calm and getting the job done. Chas is Salvador, the very dapper. And so it goes, all the others nannas forming the smoothness. We’re all there. All we need is Ghee to waltz in all gangbusters and upstage the backdoor pitch with the Shadow 2000. And the client loving it.

Big props to Fi who came down for the support. We hit the Dainty after for some big plates of chilli.

Nannas VS Spartan Warriors FC, 5 – 6 loss.

Some classic greek backdoor.

I’ve wanted to for quite a while. But I waited til the wife and kids had gone to bed, and then I pulled out the laptop. Then I googled, “greek backdoor”. And I was pleasantly surprised. Then I even did an image search. The most dubious reference was a links to the “village keys”.

But there was the game. And a foggy recollection of Jim taking a corner, and not passing it nice and easy, but slamming it at me. Man that guy can release himself. And I’m thinking it’s coming too fast. Jim has just released at full throttle. And then I’m banging it into the back of the net.

Jim’s just given me the village keys and I made good use of them.

PLATINI v NANNA

6 v 4

AW(mom), RH, AW, CD, JH, CB, TK, TH

It was remembrance day, a day observed in Commonweath countries to remember the members of the armed forces who died in the war on duty since world war one. It was on this day, the 11th of November, that marked the actual day on the date of 1918 that the official end of the war was formally ended by the German signing of the Armistice.

Generally it was recognised that it occurred on the 11th day at the 11th hour on the 11th month….

It seemed that the Nannas, all men of the Commonwealth, were stuck by the awe of the day. All it would seem except Takeshi Kondo. It was he, not of the Commonwealth that strived to be the difference. The difference against a team that was clearly (on the ladder) our inferior.

It was Rhian who lead our weeping, he drew us in and began with a hug to each of the Nannas, took us aside and pressed us to …..

vs Spartan

lost 6-5

DC, CB MOM, JH, TH, AW, CG, RH

On a dusty shelf in a forgotten room of a large rambling country house shall sit one day an enormous leather bound volume entitled “Honourable Losses Sustained By The Mighty Fighting Nannas”. And yes, deep, deep inside this antediluvian tome etched in jenkem shall be the words I type this day.

For this was one of the Nannas great, honourable losses. The coach had prepared us for the sculpted pectorals and handsome countenances of this young and lusty foe. We were not swayed nor distracted by the very slight and superficial differences that could be gleaned between us and them. On the day we were very very similar. For in the breast of every Nanna that evening beat a youthful, hopeful heart encased in our own metaphorically sculpted pectorals.

Yes we took it right to them. It was almost a draw. And if it had been a draw then we would certainly have had the scent of victory in our nasal passages. But alas- No not even al, not alas at all.. but as it transpired there was no scent of victory. A sharp whiff of a draw. A profoundly honourable loss. Kudos men!